Screaming, SCREAMING!

Well if no one else dares to say it then I will!

'Highborn to the kaleidoscopic melodrama of the miracle circle of absolution in a eon of gravitational jousting for tyrannical bruise based theories of yearning for policing operated at the junction of query and lice spreads among the French like solitude gripping through the soda bubbles of tank noised hunger pangs screaming, SCREAMING, for a Scandinavian styled light beam raining upon the lousy purgatory of focus, until it is beaten into a small cube that wished it was a ball' 

Would make an AWESOME name for a program to encourage more youths to skip three lunches a week to spend time contemplating the sheeting of marsupial dreams into bite sized luggage-ware. An AWESOME NAME! 

Yet the Grand Valley board of school maintenance keep telling me year after year 'yeah, not bad, but naming valuable programs isn't our department, although when it happens, we may totally get to make a sign! That it'd be pretty cool. Wow, a sign, people would see it and stuff, maybe even read what it says! We could be like GIVE WAY or even YEILD! Wow'.

Not bad? You fucking animals. I'm looking out for the kids here, you bastards. Now I'll never get to say to airport security 'no you'd think leather, but it's actually sliced bite sized marsupial dreams? 

You know, assuming after all those contemplation session the kids would advance on to physical invention. 

Which they wouldn't, kids are so fucking lazy. They even left all this up to ME to dare to say! For shame. 

Your last minute Halloween costume advice is here

Great news - It's not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, awesomest, hottest, sexiest costume out there. Not only that I right now are giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull this costume off with such specific perfection that people will be all like 'wow, you nailed it'.

That's right people - this years hottest costume IS.... ME - that's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.

Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

- I wear crazy and colorful mismatched socks, mostly because I am too lazy to bother to find matching ones

- I wear converse shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always

- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

- Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please 

- I like silly t-shirts 

- I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that 

- Have I ever pooped my pants as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying. 

- I hold my beer can in my RIGHT hand, my vodka drinks in the left, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants

- I like terms such as 'mongoose face', 'candle degenerates' and 'cunt' use them haphazardly yet with caution, especially 'candle degenerates' 

- If there is one thing I love it's TV remotes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up 

- I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliche

- I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job

- I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot

- I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically 

- I desperately NEED to go to space one day, you MUST too

- Not enough to like work towards it though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky

- I never, ever repeat myself, ever

- Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me

- I often have snot in hair 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 

- I am very easily embarrassed oh and 

- I have a dark and bitter soul, but it's painted pink!

See what I did? Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! Ha ha! 

Oh oh, 

- deservedly embarrassed

- too lazy to care 

- can someone organize that space trip for me please? I really wanna go.