How to get free pizza

How to get a free slice of pizza in ten easy steps, based on my experience this evening, where, keep in mind, I executed this plan utterly flawlessly:

1. Don't eat a meal all day. I mean seriously wait till after midnight. If you try this before twelve, or with food in your gut previously that day, then you’re not taking this seriously, you're making a mockery, and frankly I'm not sure if a filthy mocker deserves shit, let alone free pizza.
2. Think to yourself 'I could really go for a slice of pizza. Like hardcore. I haven't eaten all damn day. I'm hungry. Really fucking hungry. And it's literally after midnight'.
3. Realize that it's really fucking lucky that you listened to rule one, and that thank god you're bloody taking this seriously. Mockers don't get free pizza. Ever.
4. I mean how foolish would you feel if you got to number two after ignoring number one? Really foolish, that's how foolish.
5. And 'really' is a strong word. And not one you cannot imagine away, because it literally has the word 'real' in it.
6. Now as long as you’re taking things seriously, really serious, then it’s time to think something along the lines of 'I'd bathe in a bath filled with a bathload of spiders for a slice of pizza'.
7. And no, you don't have to do that literally. Now is the place for creativity. You just have to come up with the most horribly thing imaginable, and then take that thing and imagine a bathload of it.
8. It could even be mocking in nature. Yes, mocking. I'm not anti-mock. I never was. It's just got to be at the right time and place. A well placed mock can be an excellent breaker of tension in a tense situation, or lighten the mood in a dark situation, or even help friends become better friends though the brilliant art of mockery.
9. Find a place that has pizza. This is very important. Because it's one of the steps.
10. Buy a slice of pizza that turns out to be disgracefully awful. Just inedible bad. Like eating a rat’s ass sandwich.
11. Have them force a second slice onto you for free. Tell them you don't want it. But have them insist. And then eat it even though it's fucking awful, because you're too much of a pussy to be impolite.

Yep, follow these ten easy steps and you’ll be swimming in free pizza. I was, and today was the best day of my life.

One of the world’s true geniuses

 As some of you may know, last week I was in New York, and while I was there I was lucky enough to meet one of the world’s true geniuses - Gerald Dundas - worlds foremost pizza smeller! Here is a transcript of the quick interview I was able to get with him.

Dave: So what kind of Pizza have you smelled?

Gerald: As I am sure you are aware, unless you are an ignorant fool, I have smelled just about every kind of pizza available anywhere including, but not limited to - Pepperoni! Meat Feast! And of course my crowning achievement - BBQ chicken hold the chicken.

Dave: Wow, that’s amazing, I personally really enjoy pepperoni, and you’ve smelled it! Wow! So do you just smell pizza here in New York?

Gerald: Of course not you idiot, how could I be the world’s foremost pizza smeller and only do it in one city, or even one country! I have smelled pizza around world, including, but not limited to - Italy, the Italian part of Switzerland, little Italy in new York, little Italy in New New York New York casino Las Vegas, little Las Vegas in new Italy casino in Geneva Switzerland and even in Spadinglton, the tiny tax haven independent island country on Lake Geneva Switzerland set up as an independent tax haven for Europe’s richest lactose intolerants who occasionally like to say 'stuff it, the flatulence is worth the odd slice of pizza, just give me a private island country on Lake Geneva so no one has to smell or hear my flatulence'

Dave: You mean ‘stuff it’ as in ‘stuff crust pizza’ I enjoy those?

Gerald: No you freaking moron, why would someone with lactose intolerance order pizza with a stuffed crust? That makes zero sense!

Dave: Why would they order pizza at all?

Gerald: Let me tell you something, I have smelled pizza in places such as, but not limited to - different buildings, private, homes, pizzerias, dumpsters behind pizzerias, on the breath of homeless people who live in dumpsters behind the pizzeria, and on the breath of buzzards that have eaten out the stomachs of a homeless man who ate out of the dumpster behind a pizzeria that had closed down four years earlier, so do you think I have time to ask the lactose intolerant why they would eat pizza?

Dave: Yes, I mean it’s not a long question, and it’s not like your mouth is busy while you smell?

Gerald: How dare you! Let me tell you something you arrogant fool, I reckons I’ve smelled just about every pizza there is, and you don’t get to where I am in life by going around asking people stuff. Like look at you, you’re asking me stuff, and I bet you’ve never in smelled half the pizza in half the places I have.  You’re wasting your life with all this ask questions business, you idiot!

Dave: Hey I have smelled a fair bit of pizza in my life, I even smelled a pizza buffet once, and that had lots of pizza on it!

Gerald: Pizza buffet, you stupid moron, can you enjoy a Monet and a Picasso at the same time? Can you ‘make love’ to a buffet of women at once? I could teach you some lessons kid, including, but not limited to – how to appreciate the smell of one pizza at a time, telling people about how much you enjoyed smelling one pizza at one time, and smelling pizza with someone who you’ve told about enjoying smelling pizza with who responded to your passion with a request to smell pizza with you one day. Yet frankly you don’t deserve to know these lessons. Interview over.

Dave: Wait, wait, please just a couple more questions, including, but not limited to – are there any pizza you have plans to smell in the near future?

Gerald: Ah, you are capable of learning kid, and yes I'd like to smell pizza in Antarctica one day, plus I never did smell Pizza Hut, I've heard they're popular.

Dave: Just one last question, you’ve smelled the best, but where is your favorite place to eat pizza?

Gerald: Are you kidding dickhead? I don't eat it, that stuff smells like shit, are you fucking retarded?

Ah Gerald Dundas, true genius, bit of an asshole. Now for some reason I feel like going for pizza.