Saturday, January 31, 2015

The Best Day Of My Life Undertaking – therefore and existence

Today was the best day of my life, and as I write these illustrious words I have come to a time in my existence where I have noticed something about what is going on in the actuality of reality and come to an awesome conclusion based on the events which took place today. Before I come to that though I should mention some of what happened during my day.

-       I ate some delicious food and found it to be delicious.
-       I bought a second hand book of poetry and found it to be poetic.
-       I played some guitar and found it to be guitarlly.
-       I walked to the local shops and found them.
-       I had some frustrations and found them frustratingly.

Yes that’s right, four out of five things today played out exactly as they should have based on the pattern as developed above. And yet, yet, the one that fucked up was the only one where I literally ‘found’ something. And yet the things I found where things I already knew existed, and where they were, and who owned them, so I didn’t have to hand them into the lost and found.

Yes that’s right, the actuality of reality I came upon today is obvious – the words ‘actuality of reality’ are an awesome combination, and nothing is really ever found, and therefore nothing is really ever lost, and therefore I am right where I was meant to be. Woah.

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Preeminent Era of My life project – a delivery system of genius

Today was the best day of my life, because I had a huge realization, which lead to an idea, which was followed by a rather charismatic ‘uh-huh’ moment.

You see today I had to pick something up. Now normally when you pick something up your focus tends to be on picking stuff up, but because I am sweet and awesome, I can’t just think about myself, I have to also think about people who aren’t affected by my actions in anyway, but yet also have a relationship with what I am up to in a close enough way for me to be inspired enough to have them pop up in my mind.

Today, for me, that was the good people who partake it, and in fact the very notion of - delivery.

Now because I am a sweet and awesome fellow, I can’t just think about delivery when I think about delivery, I must also think about a concept which although is not exactly the same as what I am thinking about, is still close enough for me to be inspired for it to come into my mind.

Today, for me, that was the very respectable idea, and in fact the very notion of – delving.

I have often found myself delving in my life, into science, into history, into the constitutions of small island nations, into media studies, into snow banks, into top secret and highly delicate nuclear arms treaties, into a pile of fries, if it can be delved into, well then, delve I do, I delve into delving as often as anyone ever can.

Today, however, while thinking about picking my thing up, which lead to thinking about delivering things, which made me think about delving into stuff, it occurred to me that while most people who delve do so with hope and desire to extract things, information, knowledge, opportunity, snow particles, free nukes, fries – I don’t do this.

Because I am a sweet and awesome chap, and can’t think of just myself, I need to do more than extract, and also do something near enough to what I am thinking about, but close enough for it to pop into my head, which is why when I delve, I also hope to add stuff.

Today, for me, this insight led to a decision, I decided that I will no longer be delving into anything, and instead will take that time I normally delve, and switch it up and delve into a little bit of delivery.

I am going to deliver into machinery, into hope, into boxes of chocolates, into anthropology, into my subconscious, into trash heaps, into humanity, I am going to delve into delivering my ass off. I am not even going to deliver neatly; I am going to cram, shove, push, pack and even thrust stuff into anything I can get my hands on, I just want to deliver the fuck into life.

Today is the best day of my life, because I am about to deliver some kick ass shit to the world, and because I am sweet and awesome, even to my own brain. This is finally the delivery of genius!

Please note: Today’s blog was in no way inspired or in reference to the fact that the thing I was picking up today was 2500 post cards advertising my upcoming Adelaide Fringe Festival show where it turns out I had accidently used the word ‘delivers’ where I totally meant to use the word ‘delves’.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

I'll fix your problem properly

I like to think that if any of you, my awesome friends, ever found yourself with a fire in your favorite pair of jeans left back pocket, the following conversation would take place. 

'Oh fuck I've got a fire in my favorite  pair of jeans back pocket, what do I do?'
'Oh my god, you've got a fire on your back pocket? And you're wearing jeans? And they're your favorite pair of jeans?'
'Not ON fire, rather there's a fire IN it' 
'In, in your back pocket, IN?'
'Ok, but you didn't answer the rest of my questions, and seeing as I got that wrong, as I said 'on' rather than 
'in' which turned out to be the correct response, so maybe I got some other details wrong too?'
'What were your other questions?'
'Um, let's see. I said - oh my god, you've got a fire on your back pocket. That's was the bit that I was wrong about, and the I asked if you are wearing jeans? But then I continued, based on your original statement, to ask if they were your favorite pair of jeans?'
'YES and YES!' 
'So just to clarify, your have a fire IN the back pocket of your pants, and those pants are jeans, and they are your favorite pair of jeans?'
'Oh holy hell that's awful, dangerous even! Is it the left or right back pocket?'
'My god'.
'I know'.
'Left side pocket or left back pocket?'
'I already said back pocket?'
'I know, but I got the in/ on thing wrong, and sometimes in fancy designer jeans the side pocket can be behind the middle seam and feel like back pockets'.
'They're not fancy designer jeans'.
'I thought you said they were your favorite jeans?'
'They are'.
'Your fancy designer jeans aren't your favorites?'
'I don't own any fancy designer jeans'.
'Why not?'
'I find them over-priced and often impractical, for example sometimes they have pockets in weird places'.
'Good point'.
'Thankyou, but I'm mostly concerned right now with the fire in my left back pocket'
'You should be'.
'I am, heeeelllppp'.
'Of course'.
'Wait, ok, so left as if I was facing you, my left, or left as in what hand you'd probably put in it?'
'The second one!'
'Are you left or right handed?'
'Oh, how left of center of you, wait, I wonder if that's where that saying comes from?'
'Actually I think it from baseball, well 'from left field' is, but HELP! This is starting to really hurt!'
'Oh my god you're currently wearing these jeans?' 
'So just to be clear, you have a fire IN the back left pocket of your pants? They are jeans? Your favorite pair of jeans? Your left rather than the left of someone facing you? You're left handed? And you are wearing these jeans? 
'YES, YES and YES!'
'That was five questions, which two did you not say yes to?'
'All of them'.
'No you said yes to three, you definitely did not not say yes to all of them'.
'No I meant YES to all of them'.
'Well why didn't you just say yes to all them, why only three?'
'I have a fire in my favorite pair of jeans back left pocket and it hurts I was trying to save time, now are you going to help me? Please!'
'Of course'.
'Thank you, what do I do?' 
'Well I'd start by taking off those jeans'. 
'Oh yes, that feels better right away, anything else?'
'Perhaps now put them in the sink'.
'With the dirty dishes?'
'It depends, are any of your dishes flammable?'
'I don't think so'.
'In that case I think it would be fine to put your jeans in there'.
'Ok done, anything else?'
'Maybe run some water over the bit that's on fire?'
'Perfect, you're a good friend Dave'. 
'Yes I am'. 

Because yes I am a good friend, because when my friends have problems I don't just help haphazardly, I get down to the core root of the problem and fix it properly.  

Plus I find if you really get to the core root of a problem you really catch out people who don't actually have a problem and are lying to you. Man I hate those people, there should be a term to shame them. Hmm I've even got an idea: 

'Liar liar pants something' um, are 

'Liar liar pants are dire!' 


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Best day ever celebration - misfits from the spaceship

Hurt hurt hurt 
I can feel my heart beat 
I can feel everything 
Through you 

It's a zit, not just any zit though, I'm talking about the best zit in the world. My zit. My zit on my lip. My zit that feels like I've been shot in the face. My zit lip that's a hit with the misfits from the spaceships. 

I'm only lucky enough to experience this type of physical wonder maybe 10-15 day a year, so I must embraced it. 

It's like a comrade, a buddy, my throbbing little zit confidant who comes with me everywhere, on the train, in the shower, if I get kidnapped along he'll come, no need to feel alone on even the loneliest dark alleys late at night, and if a rat attacks me noting to fear, my zit is here, no rat will chew my face off with my little playmate to scurry him away.  

Red like a stop sign, that says to people STOP, don't talk to me,
I have a cohort today already. I can be alone without being lonely. 

How can today not be the best day of my life when I have a constant chum to call my own. An ally who will go away as fast as he came, but while he is here will not let me spend one moment without knowing he's there. Today is perfect. 

Well I did I have a potentially life changing audition and it didn't say 'bring a friend' so I might not get that one, but who cares life changing opportunities can happen any day, but friendships like this are only 10-15 days a year! 

The Best Day of my Life initiative – I didn’t expect that

Hello everybody, today was the best day of my life. Now normally I write that and then I poetically wax lyrical in beautiful detail about why it is that this day was in fact the best day of my life. But living everyday as if it is the best day of your life isn’t all about looking backwards. Oh no, of course not. How could it possibly be?

It’s about living in the now of course.

But it’s also about looking forward to the future.

Well it’s mostly about living in the now, and realizing that every thing that has ever happened in your life, every thought, action, idea, journey, experiment, hope, gift, smell, they have all led to this exact moment, so why not treat it as if it is the best moment of your life. It ALL led to this.

But it’s also about looking forward to the future.

Because that’s what I thought would be fun to write about right now.

Nope I can’t do it. I am stuck in the rabbit hole of thinking of the now. I keep trying to let my brain go out on one of it’s flights of fancy, as inspired by my experiences of the best day of my life, yet not necessarily literally about that, but right now I am stuck on right now and right now I am writing here on my laptop.

Let’s explore Dave, what are you trying to avoid. Let’s talk it out:

-       I feel like I should go to bed soon, not that I am tired, or have any particular reason why I should be going to bed.
-       I need to brush my teeth.
-       I wish for a beverage.
-       I’m upset at myself, or frustrated at least, that this is the direction my blog is going in today.
-       I am upset with myself for being upset with myself over this.
-       Just be real Dave, it’s ok.
-       Yes, but I want to be creative, I love flights of fantasy. That’s joy to me. That’s why this stuff is the best day of my life. I don’t want to be real.
-       It’s ok David, it is.
-       Yeah, but, it’s not what I wanted to do today.
-       It doesn’t matter, be real, it’s good for you.
-       I shouldn’t have put this in point form. I should have made this dialogue.
-       Let it go.
-       No.
-       Yes.
-       Really?
-       It’s ok, it’s ok.
-       It doesn’t feel ok.
-       If it’s not ok then how can it be the best day of your life?
-       You sneaky motherfucker.
-       Is it ‘flight of fancy’ or ‘flight of fantasy’?

-       It’s whatever you want it to be. Everything is.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The preeminent day ever exploration - sparkling zingaling

A whale and a crow walk into a bar, the barman says 'hey, get out I need a whale in here like I need a hole in the head'. The whale says 'alright I'm gonna kill this guy' and the crow says 'please don't start anything I've got a murder to get home too' - ZING!

The above joke, apart from being witty, smart and down right brilliantly crafted, says a lot of things to me:

- There is still far too much violence in bars. That's sad.
- I mean anyone should be welcome anywhere, not being allowed places is sad.
- Yeah, no that’s fair. There is no reason a bar should have to keep seed or worms for a crow to eat, nor should they have to keep wet sponges around for a whale to keep itself moist. But still, let them come in for a minute. If they don’t like what you have to sell that’s their problem.
- Why shouldn’t they want to buy what you have to sell? They might like beer if they try it. Buffalo Wings too. This is a modern world, and animals, like humans, are diversifying their culinary needs and desires.
- Today was the best day of my life.
- Hey this is a talking whale and crow, so yeah, I think we can be pretty confident they know what the word ‘culinary’ means.
- Of course they could be friends. What are you some sort of speciestist?
- Who am I arguing with anyway?
- I wonder I’m being affected in any negative ways by this weird hole I have in my head?
- Violence is sad. They shouldn’t have it in bars.

So yeah, freaking kick ass joke that. I give it three gold stars, that's like more stars than anyone has gotten ever. Even more gold stars than even Steven Hawking’s ever been given, and he invented stars! ZING!