Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Lessons from quotes

'R2D2 more like Right To Do You, am I right?' - guy who says stuff with sexual subtext that's sort of sexy but not quite enough to actually be sexy

'Potato, more like - poo NATO' -treasonairre

'Wish you were here' - guy who would probably waste wishes should he ever find a genie 

'Bluggggaloooppply' guy who thinks he is good at coining words yet actually PEAKED at 'treasonaire'

'Dave' - guy who always thinks all quotes come from 'guys'

'Fuck off, I was trying to follow a pattern' Dave, the idiot from above 

'I didn't say that' guy who said that 

'If you're so smart how come you forgot dashes for a while' - guy who forgot -'s for a while but then thought compensating for that by writing 'dashes' was compensational

'Compensational - that's a good one right' - that word coining guy from above 

'This started out as an attempt to write a 140 character tweet, can you end it please' - tired author of this 

'No' - lazy retort by same author too lazy to earn drama

'Please?' - an often misused word

'R2D or something, who cares about the ending' - Dave

'Fuck off, you treasonairre, I will not stop till this is perfec' - guy who thinks missing the final 't' makes it seem like he purposely on accident finished mid word

'Dashes are fun' - - - - - - 'Yay'

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Lessons from a long journey

The journey being the long one I took from La to Sydney in the past 24 hours, and the lessons being these points I list now:

- Virgin Australia mastered how to take someone's long held customer loyalty and shove it up their arss
- 'lots of venom' - hopefully how the teenagers who were all on the same sport team on the plane play their indeterminate sport or else all their hoodies are liars
- one immensely delightful staff member at Delta doesn't make up for one dispicabley rude staff member at Delta
- when you're running late the word 'Indy' sounds like 'Sydney' and can make people going to Indianapolis miss their flight
- if your job is to go and find people going to Indianapolis and in danger of missing their flight and instead you yell out 'anyone going to Indy come with me' - you're probably bad at your job
- don't get the chicken on Delta flights
- teenagers are way less self conscious than me about making others stand up so they can pee
- teenagers probably have healthier kidneys than me
- old Asian guy next to me forgot to hit pause and missed the end of his movie and found it so hilarious he had to get my attention - we should all learn a lesson from that
- I can burst from a nightmare extravagantly and have no one notice
- having one really drippy nostril and one totally dry is weird
- bursting from a nightmare with a drippy nostril is messy
- a white sweater doesn't look good with yellow snot stains
- when the white sweater was a Xmas present that you really like, getting yellow snot on it isn't joyful
- 'give me the whole can you bitch' is something I would never say
- sometimes things I would never say are things I'd occasionally think, especially when I didn't get a mere whole freaking can
- I mean seriously, other people got full cans
- stupid delta
- it's all virgins fault
- I'm far too tired to edit this into something as coherent and poetic as my average post
- It's all Virgin's fault

Thursday, December 13, 2012

It's all happening

- My new book, The Embarrassing Memory Murderer, is getting closer and closer to release date - I have even seen a digital version of it, and it's awesome, so look forward to that.
- Because of this, as a super special treat, I have now made my last book just 99c on kindle
- That's just 77 British Pence 
- You can find it here:

- Also don't forget that if you have an iphone, an ipad, macbook, and probably all the equivalents on android and PC you can download a kindle APP for free!!!! You can end up with hundreds of books on your phone or computer, even if they're not mine I highly recommend this, reading is totally fun you guys
- I wrote a blog about leaves today, but I wrote it with pencil, which means I need to type it up - stay tuned
- My soccer team is doing really shit which is making me hate sport again and focus back on arts
- Anne Hathaway accidentally showed her vagina
- People have actually been voting on what book I should publish next - thanks you awesome people
- I am really, really tired
- Seriously, her vagina!

There is probably even more awesome stuff, so enjoy life people, yaaaayyyy

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A Xmas conspiracy

'Hes making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna FIND OUT who's naughty and nice'

Find out? FIND OUT? Who are these faceless minions doing this research into our behavior and how does Santa know he can trust them?

Also 'you better not cry' - so if your mom is killed by a serial killer and you cry a bit, no presents? What?

Fun Dave Fact: it's me who is the faceless minion, and I'm getting in the spirit this year :) Yaaaaaay.

Fun Santa fact: he hates liars

Fun tennis fact: Some strings are made from synthetic cat gut

Fun serial killer fact: they really just want hugs

Fun Find Out fact: you can find out just about anything! That's so fun!

Fun Dave fact: naughty is fun too, yaaay, presents for all!!!!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Beard bald spot

My long lost 1st ever attempt at a YouTube video has been found! I recommend mixing things up and ahhing before you ooh

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Don't say this out loud

If you get into a sign language argument with a deaf friend while they're brandishing swords then watch out! Your friend may have found themselves an interesting hobby, and after this argument they may want to tell you all about it!

Also why argue? Why not ask about the swords, that's interesting right? Swords man! Better than a stupid argument at least.

Also good for you for learning sign language so you can speak to your deaf friend.

Also, watch out! Sign language with swords is dangerous!

I hope if you died four years ago we didn't just find out

If you had a huge pile of notes wouldn't you want someone to randomly pick at them? Also don't you dare discount Marvin Hamlisch you bastards.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Today in secrets

You know those bookshelves which are actually secret doorways? Well they are strange because ALL bookshelves are secret doorways - well, if you consider reading a secret - and you consider the imagination a doorway - and you can deal with the cruel reality that the boring 'book shelf' could have therefore been instead called the far more bad ass 'reading imagination' - and you can handle that this alternative name is actually sort of confusing as it references a secret doorway that is only metaphorical - and you're not too lazy to read a book - and you're not offended that I used the word 'lazy' to describe non-book readers - and you're not upset that I'm seemingly discounting all the hard lifting done by the shelf itself on a book shelf - especially if it holds reference books - which aren't really the kind of books that open secret doorways - but are heavy and frankly why should bookshelves hold a secret doorway - why isn't holding up big heavy stuff enough for you people? Would you like to hold up books all day for people to 'maybe' read the spine of - no you wouldn't - unless you would - in which case maybe you're the one hiding secrets!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A documentary - the making of episode one of In Bed with Charlie and Dave

Dave and Charlie wanted to do a talk show in bed but were too lazy to do it right, here is a documentary about how it all went down, and also the first episode. Dave forgot to pretend to read the bit about pretending to do 'may the force be with you' in a German accent.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Elmo has more secrets than you think

With the Elmo scandal escalating today it's a good time to point out that I know how he got away with it for so long, he is super super smart, and I proved his intelligence over a year ago!

Monday, November 19, 2012

What the hell is going on?

I haven't posted much recently, mostly because I have been really busy, but also because in a post recently I promised to start blogging daily, mostly as a challenge to myself, and when I set myself a challenge you better believe that makes me lazy.

Then again, fuck you for calling me lazy, I am really, really busy! With what? You may have asked, well I'll tell you, I guess. I mean I actually only came on to this blog today to try and see if I can get my twitter linked up so that if anyone comes looking at this page and are disappointed not to find a new blog they can at least see what I have been tweeting about, because I can do those with my phone when I am out and about, and now that I think about I can probably blog with my phone these days (hhhhmmm... stay tuned for some extremely poorly edited brain dumps as soon as I can figure out how) and anyway, the twitter link isn't working , so why not actually write something, like about what I have been up to?

- I have started back up at full time acting school! At Stella Adler in Los Angeles to be precise! That's one of the really well regarded and respected ones... ooooohhh. One of the biggest reasons I got into the arts is because I just can't handle the early mornings of a normal job. So I now have class really early mornings most days. It's fun. The other day I fell asleep while lying on the ground doing breathing exercises in voice class, and I, and technically this means that I am narcoleptic, but when I fall asleep I fall instantly into REM sleep, and when a man is rocking to REM he usually gets an erection (which is why Michael Stipe copped so many gay rumors), and when a man gets an erection somewhere he doesn't want it (like class) it is very hard to make it go away, and seriously, no exaggeration, the exercises we did for the next five/ ten minutes were to work on loosening our lower abdominal muscles by lying in our back lifting our bottoms off the ground and making circles with our pelvises. So yes, I will be a movie star soon.

- My new book 'The Embarrassing Memory Murderer' is finally definitely coming out, the final draft was sent to the publishers last week, and I am talking to all sorts of people about covers, back cover blurbs, author bios and photos, and just why the hell I am choosing to publish a book full of so many horrifically embarrassing things about myself. There are things in this book that make the story above seem like the time I found money on the ground and spent it on treats for myself. This thing is going to humiliate the hell out of me, and possibly cost me many friends and opportunities. I will tell you all how to get it as soon as I know.

- I also want to start releasing a bunch of books I have written over the years as e-books, to your right there is now a place you can vote for which one you think I should do first, if I actually get some votes then I will actually follow what you say! Yes! I may even do a blog soon with some synopsises so you know what you're voting for, and also to give you an excuses to say synsopsises. 

- I burned my tongue on hot things lots of times, seriously Dave, if it's hot blow

- Oh last weekend I ended a long lasting no puke stretch by puking on a tree next to two fast food drive through queues and halfway though a spider climbed out of the mess, so that was fun.

I am forgetting a bunch of other stuff, but who cares, I am tired, have homework to do and have class again in 30 minutes. I hope I fall asleep again, there are some things on the ceiling there that really need to be pointed out.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Finally one of the great mysteries of the world SOLVED

There are lots of mysteries man has longed sought an answer for that seem, up until now, impossible to solve.

1. Why was Stonehenge built and by whom?
2. What’s the meaning of life?
3. Why do people care about lawns?
4. Why do girls prefer assholes to nice guys?
5. How could you prefer dogs to cats?
6. What’s the deal with fake fingernails?
7. If you wash yourself in the shower then why do you need to ever wash your towel?
8. Why does Samsung, in their current ad campaign, think a guy saving a spot in line for his parents, is a sign that their product is ‘cooler’ than their competitors?
9. Why are there so many idiots in the world?

Well those are all easy to answer (and I will do so shortly) but there is one question that even I thought that even I would never be able to answer. That is of course – what kind of idiot would ever wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?

So I am in Taco Bell last week. I was busting for a urine break and decided to go for fast food in hope of using their lavatory and figured that seeing as their rule was that you had to purchase food before you could use their lavatory I should order food, try and use the lavatory while waiting for it to be prepared, and therefore eat with a clean and empty bladder.

Then disaster struck, a man entered the lavatory just as I reached the door, and stayed in there a long, long time. As I was dining alone, and did not trust anyone to mind my food, and was too stupid to order it in a convenient to-go bag, I decided to try and consume my food fast enough to escape a messy problem in my pants.

As I sat down to eat it became clear that my mission to consume my food in time was going to come down to a simple math formula: time eating + time to get to the toilet = how much time I have before I can pee = hopefully not so long as before I MUST pee. It was genius, and realizing I was a genius I became immediately satisfied that I would not be stupid enough to accidently pee my pants after all, so relaxed into consuming my food, and decided to partake in a wee bit of people watching, hoping for nothing but a minor distraction while filling my belly hoping not to empty my bladder.

This is when I noticed the man FINALLY come out of the men’s bathroom, only now he had turned into a woman, well into a surprisingly passable transvestite. Now I spot two men enter the restaurant, both wearing their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking, and I immediately looked at the transvestite, and back to the two gentlemen and thought ‘I can understand why a man would want to dress as a woman but what kind of an idiot would actually wear their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?’

One of these men now went right up to the transvestite and began hitting on her, which surprised me a little. His friend meanwhile went and bought them food. When his food was bagged he turned to his friend and said ‘let’s bounce’ and then added a derogatory word than began with ‘n’. However this man didn’t want to ‘bounce’ and he instead took a seat right next to me, from where he could look at the transvestite from behind.

‘I want to rape you’ he now said out loud at the transvestite, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear ‘yo girl, I am going to rape you’ he added.

Now he turned to me and asked ‘are you a producer?’ I told him no, and tried to really focus on eating so as to distract him from talking to me, and this made him comment ‘yo, you look like a producer’.

He now told me that he was Tupak’s son, that he was dressed specifically to avoid the paparazzi, yelled a few more times that he planned on raping the transsexual, told me he was bi-sexual so it was ok, and asked me to write him a sweet movie, then left, and I finished my food with just enough time to make the toilet!

Q: What kind of idiot wears their pants super low around their thighs exposing their entire underpants and clearly super uncomfortable and stupid looking, and unsanitary and totally stupid looking?

A: The kind of weirdo who helps you eat quick enough to avoid peeing your pants.

Mystery SOLVED!

And now to answer all the mysteries above:

1.     As a calendar, by idiots who didn’t care that the calendar didn’t yet matter as they were not keeping records of what they did on a day-to-day basis
2.    Trying to avoid idiots
3.   Because long grass can make it hard to spot low lying idiots
4.    Girls need to pee a lot
5.    Some people are allergic
6.    Some girls want to look like transvestites in hope of attracting sons of dead rappers who think it’s ok to exclaim a desire to rape a stranger out loud in a fast food place
7.    You don’t
8.   They’re idiots
9.    Because not enough people pee at Taco Bell to answer life’s questions, those idiots

Sunday, October 21, 2012

And now for some whining

I have a cold which is a way of saying that I am sick and my sickness is making me feel bad especially seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow and my Nyquil isn’t working fast enough and if I don’t get to sleep early then getting up early is going to make me feel bad and keep in mind that I ordered pizza for dinner and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would which I think is because my head is all blocked up from my cold and this is the cold which is making me feel bad and yet I still have lots of left over pizza to eat in the future because I like to order so much that I am guaranteed left over which is why I ordered too much tonight but if I didn’t really enjoy the first run of the pizza then I probably won’t enjoy the left overs but also if I don’t eat them I will waste them and wasting food makes me feel bad as there are hungry people in the world which is a big political issue which reminds me of the election that is happening here in the united states of America which is where I am writing this from and which is the political thing that most people are talking about recently in this place I am writing this from and that is a political thing making some people angry and when people are angry then it makes me feel bad that they are angry and even though it is not me that they are angry at because I don’t even get a vote on the political issues in this country let alone a get enough of a say so as to polarize people because of the opinion of a position I have stated I believe about is different from the opinion of a position from other people who have different positions from my opinion and their anger at me would make me feel bad which is why I don’t like to think about politics because ultimately you can’t make everyone happy which means you end up making at least someone unhappy and that makes them unhappy with you which if it was directed at me would make me feel bad and yet I don’t even have the option of having that which makes me feel bad and also I forgot to chew my chewable vitamins C which is like both rejecting the very thing which makes that product marketable as chewable and also costing me the potential positive effect on my cold whether from the healing properties of the vitamin C or from the placebo affect of thinking that this is something that vitamin C is capable of doing which would make me feel bad about prolonging my cold which is the very thing making me feel bad.

On the other hand I just saved on a lot of unused punctuation, so that’s good right?

Thursday, September 27, 2012

You think YOU got it bad

One fun thing about living in LA is seeing the city drowning in billboards for new television shows that are so clearly shamefully awful you know they'll be axed before being inflicted on the rest of world.

Some of these shows star people I know! Congratulations guys! I am genuinely as jealous as all hell. That’s why I have come up with several pitches for my own TV shows which are awful show ideas yet are better than half of the ones actually about to be released.

- Thick Marker: In a world where there is a fine line between pleasure and - pain, truth and lies, and love and hate - a man who runs a small failing stationary shop is really frustrated he isn't selling more thick markers.
- Women in heat? A bunch of women who lack a lot of patience are sent to a different sauna every week, but will their lack of patience allow them to hang around until those coals actually get hot? Who knows?
- Couffee..... or irony: A guy opens a coffee shop in an ethnically diverse neighborhood and finds imitating the various accents of his customers endlessly fun- until he gets stabbed. After six months in the hospital upon discharge he's told to 'lay off the caffeine' the very stuff he's got to sell to pay his medical bills!
- Climbing women: A gang of recreational rock climbing women find climbing the corporate ladder is not as easy as cliffs - especially as they're all (dum dum dum) women! Will they be 'roped' into bad deals, will they occasionally ‘anchor’ the odd conference call, will they ‘figure eight knot’ the man of their dreams? Or will their webolette, piton catchers and thrutching get in the way? Stay tuned!
- You think you've got it bad: After a psychiatrist discovers a cluster of his former clients have gone on to commit suicide he has a mental breakdown leaving him unable to say anything other than a sarcastically toned 'you think YOU got it bad? And to his surprise now he able to REALLY help those in need, but can he help himself? No, not really.

I know entertainment, so you can trust me networks, give me a call please. Ps for the record when I first saw commercials for ‘Friends’ my honest reaction was 'holy shit, that's going to BOMB!'

Friday, September 21, 2012

The New Normal


I’ve decided that I am so normal that I am going to start taking normal to places it’s never been before!

That’s right, I am going to strap a backpack to normal, point it north and tell it not to come back till it’s seen things that has blown it’s eyes right out of it’s sockets, so that they are left hanging and bouncing around on it’s chest like a tiny kangaroo boxing it, only to look down and realize it’s eyes are actually looking into cave filled with super clean dinner plates, yeah that’s right normal!

I am going to lock normal in a basement and tell it that when it comes up its body may well be covered in random bruises but that’s nothing compared to the bruises it will feel on it’s mind, and not just any part of it’s mind, but the parts that have never been used before, the parts full of donuts made out of elephant dreams, the parts where people sexually moan about dust on lampshades, the part where ‘two plus two clingy grouper filling’ makes more sense than anything that’s ever come out of the ear of a Nat, yeah that’s right normal!

I’m going to cover normal in honey then throw it out of a moving space train that’s been lost in the amazon jungle, and when it looks up and finds the honey is being licked off it will discover the tongues of Mayan pyramids ravishing it in an orgy of over conditioned confidence issues mixed with self perpetuating terrible arrogance, only the tongues won’t be made of flesh, but of the soft smell of rain washing away a single beer burp, yeah that’s right normal!

I’m taking you on a journey normal, so be scared, be afraid like the only cloud on a sunny day that is shaped like a giant guitar in the sky only with no one to play you so you start to fall apart into random vapor that will drift into a champagne flute only when you go to take a sip you’ll find that there is a huge shard missing from the side of the glass, but how is the orange juice it’s filled with not falling it out? How? HOW? Yeah that’s right normal, be afraid, you have now met David Tieck, and life is going to be very different from now on.

Oh also, normal, are any of those clean dinner plates cereal bowls? I kind of feel like some breakfast. Just let me know, you know, if you get a chance.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Inventions more smart than other things

Here at Ok, intriguing: Hell Yeah! I'm not just about experimenting with the boundaries of the comedic experience; I’m also occasionally interested in things that are simply true. Take bongo drums for instance, if they were real I may be interested in them in times that I am interested in things that are real, but seeing as they are clearly figments of various peoples’ imaginations I’m only interested in them on the times I am mostly interested in things which are clearly made up, which is most of the time. Well today isn’t most of the time!  

Yesterday I brought you the origins of one of the truly greatest inventions of all time, the Honda Red Key.

As I am writing this, right now (ooohhh, time travel) I'm waiting for the tow truck! Oh my god that's a great invention that red key, but here is the thing, as brilliant as providing a key for customers that does nothing but completely fuck up your own car is, I have actually personally invented some things even MORE smarter! And remember the red key is clearly quite brilliant, it fucked up my own car and cost me a lot of money, that's genius, I've been driving Hondas since my first driving lesson nearly 20 years ago and now I'm considering blacklisting them forever, that's a seriously great invention, so an invention that is even better than that invention would have to be truly revolutionary, and those are the type of inventions that I invented!

So here they are, my pitch to you of my inventions even smarterer than the red key as invented by me, three of them!

Do you love pet rocks? Ha ha, trick question, of course you do, but lets face it, they have one big flaw - they don’t give you an excuse to play with your own feces. That’s why I invented the pet poo, all the fun of a pet rock with the added benefit of fishing a poo out of your toilet and gluing eyes to it!

Are you Hungry? Ha ha, trick question, everyone knows the only correct answer to that question is 'depends what you’re offering', and you can’t possibly know what I am offering, unless I tell you, and now I will, because what I am offering is awesome - its tennis racket bolognaise! Just like regular spaghetti bolognaise but replacing messy spaghetti with full sized tennis rackets, finally you can eat bolognaises AND wear a white shirt.

Are you sick of having to open your door to get in your house? Ha ha, trick question, because if you’re like me, and I assume you’re exactly like me, then you know that opening your front door is tiresome, especially if you’re A. carrying lots of soda B. chewing gum that has lost its flavor but you haven’t spotted a trash can in ages so you’re still chewing it, but really looking forward to getting inside to spit it out, or even if C. you have a rapists chasing you. That’s why I invented the house with no front door. With the no front door house you'll never have to open your front door again, plus no pesky repairs from rapists breaking your lock!

Wow, that's just three inventions clearly smarterer than the Honda red key, and yet the Honda red key exists, and my better inventions are just rotting in my brain barely making me any money. That makes no sense, and this is a blog where I am concerned with nothing but truth, and how can something true not make sense? Damn you Honda.

Maybe I should invent things I can SELL to Honda, that'd be intellegenter of me, um…

Are you sick of having to get into car crashes to justify expensive car bodywork? Ha ha, trick question? The answer is 'no'. Well we at Honda think you SHOULD want to take your car to the repair shop guy even if you haven’t been in a car accident. That's why we provide a drunk father of a teenage girl with every Honda sold. Simply let your drunk father of a teenage girl out of your trunk, tell him you impregnated his daughter, hand him a big stick, then lock yourself in your car and you'll be at the repair works body fix mans shop in a jiffy. Drunk father of a teenage daughter's now standard on all Hondas.

Wow, am I awesome at inventing things more smarty than the red key? Trick question, fuck yeah I am!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

In the Honda offices many years ago

Honda executive type person one: Alright Honda executive type people, we need some new ideas, our cars are pretty good, but we’re Japanese, ‘pretty’ is for schoolgirls with really short skirts and really high socks, we need innovation damn it! Who has an idea?’

Honda executive type person two: Well we could make our cars drive better, look cooler, be more efficient, be cheaper, have better speaker systems, give free glow in the dark temporary tattoos, be more crash resistant, include extra sized roof racks, have a GPS system that tells you if a cop is near by, smell like movie popcorn, have more comfortable seats, clean themselves in the rain, or create a new font for our emblem ‘H’?

Honda executive type person one: I like them all! Who else has an idea?

Honda executive type person three: Oooh Ooooh, or we could have our emblem no longer be a capital ‘H’ but a lower case ‘h’?

Honda executive type person one: I LOVE it; especially how you pronounced those letters ‘atch’, instead of that horribly annoying ‘hatch’! Anyone else got an idea?

Honda executive type person four: I have an idea, we could create a key to give to all owners of Hondas, the key itself would look identical to the normal car key, with, and excuse the technical talk, the same groove and bumpy bits, and would open the car doors, but when you put it in the ignition it would not just fail to start the car but make it so all other official keys for that car also no longer work.

Honda executive type person one: Interesting, so if a person who owned this Honda accidently used this key what would happen?

Honda executive type person four: Well they would be unable to start their car’s engine, even as the owners of the car, and even if in possession of one of the keys that we gave with the car that up until moments earlier worked fine, and regardless of where the car is, be it remote, in an unsafe area, or a danger to other drivers - the variety of places where this could take place that would be of enormous determent to the driver are pretty much endless.

Honda executive type person one: So they would be the owners of the car, not a criminal or anything, and they would have accidently rendered their own keys useless?

Honda executive type person four: Yes! But more than that, we could give this key to the owner of the car upon purchase, make it look EXACTLY like their normal key, except make it red and pretty and enticing, and then have them keep it packaging that in no ways mentions that it will essentially turn their car into, and excuse the technical talk, a big shitty paper weight, make no mention of what this key does on our official websites, not inform sales staff at Honda dealers what this red key means so that when people get stranded and call up for advice they will receive none, not give any details on our websites on what to do if you accidently use this key, leaving it up to message board speculation onto the possible hundreds of things that the car owner may have done to their car, and make them fear possibilities such as having to have the car towed to the nearest Honda Service Center, no matter how far that may be, possibly half a continent away in some cases, and let them believe that the entire electronic programming of their car may have to be re-programmed or replaced potentially costing them thousands of dollars, but also making sure they would have no way of finding this information out unless their red key ceased their ability to turn on their own car engines during Service hours, meaning that if they attempted to use this red key in a more dangerous, or inconvenient time their burden would only increase drastically!

Honda executive type person one: Wow, so it would be like a key that looks totally innocent, and more than that, totally useful, and we’d give it to people who bought hugely expensive machinery off us, only for one day to discover that for no reason at all we have given these customers of ours a piece of equipment that may totally fuck their day, if not lead to far worse?

Honda executive type person four: Exactly!

Honda executive type person one: Well I can certainly see many, many, many, many downsides to providing this key to our customers, but I just can’t think of a single situation where a person who spends tens of thousands of dollars on a car may want to render their own car useless, requiring possibly great hassle and potentially great expense to rectify, and then only if fortunately they accidently use this key somewhere they can get reasonably easy access to one of our sporadic service centers, that is if, they can find a Honda staff member who can even help them with this situation, which as you have pointed out we would make sure is never the case, so I guess I must ask, is there a single positive aspect to this red key?

 Honda executive type person four: Well I have given this a lot of thought, and I did come up with a scenario that may make this red key a positive thing – say for example you are driving your Honda and a man with a gun approaches you wishing to steal your car, and say in the unlikely event that on this day you were for some unknown reason carrying around this potentially hugely dangerous red key with you, and say the man with the gun looked away for long enough for you to take your normal key out of the ignition and replace it with the red key, and say the man with the gun had also told you to turn off the engine so he could turn it on himself, because he values the joy of turning keys more than a fast get away, well if all those things all took place at once, and then also some reason came up where you would like to have this man with a gun stay next to you for longer, but also be extremely angry with you, and know that you had just fucked with him, like say for example you WANTED him, and excuse the technical talk, to shoot you in the fucking face, well then I guess you could use the red key and get a result that would be positive for you at least. Other than that this red key can only lead to expense, hassle, and possible danger for someone who bought a car from us.

Honda executive type person one: Just to be sure I am getting you right
-       It would often lead to fucking over our customers
-       Unless our customers wanted to be shot in the fucking face?

Honda executive type person four: Yes, and let’s face it, if you want to be shot in the face you’ll probably choose a Toyota, am I right?

Honda executive type person one: Ha ha! Awesome. You are right. Idiot Toyota drivers.

Honda executive type person four: So?

Honda executive type person one: All I can say is wow, that is possibly the dumbest idea that has ever been pitched, or even thought about, by any human ever. I demand all Honda’s be sold with this red key at once! Honda executive type person two and three, you’re fired! You stupid idiots, besides – glow in the dark temporary tattoos? If you get a glow in the dark tattoo of course you’ll want it permanent you tool!

And on that day Hondas did start giving all owners one of these red keys. And today, for the first time in six months I decided to try and drive my mom’s old Honda, and wondered which of all the weird keys I have lying around actually worked, and that’s why my mom’s old car is parked a long way a way from me, with an engine that won’t turn on and no idea how to fix it, and excuse the technical talk, but fuck you Honda, I like those short skirts and high socks!

Friday, September 7, 2012

The sad rainbow – a kids book

The Sad Rainbow

'I'm sad' said the rainbow, to his only friend, the dried dog poo.

'Are you sad because you only get to come out when it's raining?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but now that I think of it that does really suck’.

'Are you sad because everyone assumes you’re gay?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but everyone does always assume I’m gay, just because I’m a rainbow, it’s just a nasty stereotype, and I hate stereotypes’.

‘Are you sad because you basically look like a giant frown?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow ‘but I never even thought about that before, that’s awful, I am the world’s biggest frown, oh my god’.

‘Are you sad because it's really windy in Sydney at the moment making it difficult for David Tieck to read the newspaper in the park, or eat cotton candy on a lonely bridge, his two favorite activities?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, ‘but that really sucks, David Tieck is an awesome guy and he deserves better than that.'

'Are you sad because you can't pick just one color, you have to show off all the time and be like “look at me, I'm EVERY color, that's better than you dried poo, I can't just be brown once in a while cause I have to shooooow off”?’ the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, 'But now that you say that, you're right, I always have to be fancy, sometimes a rainbow just wants to relax in sweats too!'

'Are you sad because your only friend is a dried dog poo who's kind of an angry prick who’s likes to point out all your flaws?' the dried dog poo asked.

'No' replied the sad rainbow, 'but you are being particularly mean today, I was already sad, now I’m just mortified, what's your problem?'

‘My problem is that I am trying to help you, and you can't just friggin’ spit out why you’re sad!’ Said the dried dog poo, ‘For Christ sake I'm sick of always having to guess shit with you! Just say it already!!!!!’

‘Well what about you?’ retorted the sad rainbow, ‘you’re always like “I'm dry, I smell” you're a freaking whiner!’

‘Just tell me why you’re sad’ pleaded the dried dog poo ‘seriously man, the sun will come out and then I won't see you for weeks! Just get to the fucking point!’

‘Ok, ok, you’re right’ apologized the sad rainbow ‘I’m sorry’.

‘So why are you fucking sad?’ the dried dog poo asked.

‘Well, it's just, well’ began the sad rainbow on what was sure to be the start of a beautiful soliloquy ‘I can just never find a hat that suits me. I try on hats whenever I get the chance, but I have a weird head, and I just don’t suit hats.'

'Oh my god’ exclaimed the dried dog poo, ‘You’re a rainbow, you can't wear hats you idiot, they'd fall straight through you!'

'Screw you!' yelled the sad rainbow 'You’ll never understand what it's like to be me’!

Just then a German shepherd ate the dried dog poo then licked its owners face
The End 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I think I accidentally changed the world again


was in the news today, and I can only assume that this is all in direct response to a video I made several years ago. I am too scared to watch it back myself for fear that it is offensive, rude, and horribly embarrassing, and so all I can say is - you're welcome, and I am sorry.

And also, just because for some reason it linked in without me asking it to, and therefore is proof my rivalry with Dakota Fanning needs to be kicked up a notch, here is this video. 


The flight of the Canaries

I haven't blogged in ages. Mostly because I have been busy; and yet also because I haven't gotten around to it because of busyness. However something happened this week that was just too dramatic to NOT blog about it. 

I flew from Los Angeles to Sydney, and let's just say it was a roller-coaster. 

Here are the high/low-lights. All times in are Los Angeles mean ordinary time. Los Angeles being the place where I began…. But would I remain there….. Stay tuned….

-       9: 30 pm – Boarding
-       9: 45 pm – Take off
-       9: 49 pm – I fell asleep
-       5: 27 am – I wake up and go for a bathroom break, and make a shocking discovery - my hair is looking particularly cool, and I mean PARTICULARLY, I really don’t know to deal with this.
-       10:17 am - Hair not looking great, but it has potential.
-       10: 39 am - I feel like a soda, and think ‘they should put Walgreens on planes!’ Oh man, inside jokes when I am alone bring me so much joy. You have no idea how hard you would be laughing right now if you were on the inside.
-       10: 49 am - Staff announced they are about to commence breakfast service and then gave estimated arrival time in 'um, um ..... Sydney!' Should I be worried they're not sure where we're going? The fear of being on a plane possibly heading ‘anywhere’ makes me realize something drastic – it’s been ages since I checked my hair.
-       11:12 am - Bathroom has been occupied for ages, still don’t how my hair is? What if it’s back to being cool, or even being PARTICULARLY cool? And if it is, how do I deal with that?
-       11: 44 am - Back in bathroom, hair looks great, phew. Yet not ‘particularly cool’. Was it only to be but a brief moment in time? And if it was, how do I deal with that?
-       12: 10 pm - Kid next to me is picking his nose, that bastard! He's stealing my move!!!!!
-       12: 12 pm - Guy in front of me is watching a movie featuring topless girls; you can show that on a plane now? I must admit rather than being turned on, it made me think about the kid wiping his booger on her boob. Man the kids today. Gross.
-       12:27 pm - I don't think I'll need to pee again before we land; now I have no excuse to check my hair!!!! Oh no, it may be up to forty minutes before I get to check my hair again, how do I deal with that?

I know it’s hard to believe, but this was all a true story.