Hi Kids, how are you today. My name is "Dave The Stupidity
Grave", and I have been invited to come to talk to you here at your school
assembly today, to teach you another way to stop you looking stupid all the
freakin’ time.
Doesn’t that sound like fun? Let me hear you all scream
yaaaaayyyyyy.
‘YYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY’
Awwww, thanks kids.
Now here is a fact kids, from time to time, depending on where
you live, especially if you live stupid places like England, where this happens
all the time, and irrelevant of whether you deserve it or not (and let’s face
it most of you DO deserve it, I’ve seen where your gross dirty little fingers
have been) something remarkably horrible happens in the world! OOoohooohhhhh.
‘What is it?’
I hear you ask. Well shut up, I’m getting to that. Obviously.
Why would I be invited to come talk to you and not be planning on getting to
the thing that I was brought in to talk about? Stop looking like such idiots
kids.
Yep, that’s right. The remarkable thing is that sometimes water
can fall from the sky, something adults call “rains” or “raining” or “sky
wee-wee”!!!!
‘Oh noooooo!’
I hear you all exclaim. And that’s a SMART thing to exclaim,
good for you, you’re already, wait for it, sending STUPIDITY TO THE GRAVE WITH
DAVE. Yell it out.
‘STUPIDITY TO THE GRAVE WITH DAVE!!!’
Well you were actually supposed to say, “we’re sending stupidity
to the grave with Dave”, but that’s ok, you can’t be completely devoid of
foolhardiness yet, you are only dumb little kids after-all. Here’s another
chance to look at least capable of grasping a simple fact and the reality of
the consequences of that fact, all together yell out, what happens when it
rains?
‘We get completely drenched in wet stuff, which soaks into our
hair, clothes, and the sandwich we were eating, and then when we eventually go
inside people look at us like we are completely frickin’ stupid, and say things
to us like “oh is it raining outside”, or “someone forget to bring a raincoat”,
or even “let me guess, it’s raining and you didn’t bring an umbrella, I have a
sixth sense about these things” and it makes us want to punch them in the
fucking throats, I mean obviously you dicks, and it makes us mad, and sad for
how lame and cliché most people are, and feel like we are being treated like
stupid doody heads!’
Yes, well done kids. You’re right. Well, I wouldn’t have said
“wet stuff”, its actually called “water”, you morons, but other than that all
four hundred and twenty seven of you were one hundred percent correct. And no
one likes being called stupid do they?
‘Nooooooooooo’.
Correct! It’s rude, it’s derivative, it’s unhelpful, and it’s
mean, and I don’t want you kids to EVER feel like someone is treating you that way,
especially by an adult who should know better, and who should be helping kids
improve their self-esteem, and their self-confidence, because children are the
future, and if you “believe” that you are little morons, what hope do you have
of growing up to be intelligent, dignified, and poised adults who make the
communities they live in better places to be for all who occupy the same
environment?
‘Almost none at all, in fact, it’s these repeated patterns of
failure and ineptitude, which hold back communities, societies, nations and
even the globe itself’.
Exactly kids.
So what if I told you, that next time you get caught in the
rain, and end up with “water” all over you, that you no longer have to face the
inevitable judgment which comes attached like the carriages on a train?
‘We don’t believe it, there is nothing that could stop that, it
is our lot in life, a reality we face every time the clouds swell with darkness
above us, like a three legged dog, a fourth limb shall never grow, the best we
can do it try to carve out some form of satisfactory existence that lives
concurrently with our pain!’
Oh kids. You dumb little idiots. There IS a solution.
‘There is? There IS! Tell us!!! Please fucking tell us!’
My god, didn’t we go over this already? I am Dave the Stupidity
Grave, I wasn’t fucking invited to your assembly to NOT give the solutions.
Have some freakin’ patience. Man, you’re parents must fucking HATE you.
Ok, ok, I’ll tell you.
Here goes…
When you get caught in a rainstorm…
‘Yes, yes, yes’
You get wet…
‘Yes we do, very wet’
But what you can do with this wetness is…
‘Tell us, please!!!’
Is DRY it off!
‘No WAY! That’s impossible!’
No it’s not, it’s imimpossible!
‘That’s not a real word!’
Yeah I know, it just kind of came out of my mouth without
thought, but seriously, no one likes to be told when they’ve made a mistake
kids, whoever taught you that should be shot, was it your parents? Let’s shoot
them in the face. But still, it IS possible!
‘But how?’
Now you’re asking the smart questions. There are in fact, and
this will shock you, FOUR different ways you can get dry.
‘FOUR!!!!’
Yep four. And because I am a nice guy, and because I am being
paid handsomely for this, I am going to tell you ALL FOUR.
‘Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!’
Once you are saturated with rain “water” you may simply do one
of the following:
Number One: This one’s easy. I call it the “forget you can’t see
curtains” method. Humbly knock on the house of a stranger, or even a friend.
Ask to come inside. If they say “no” kick them in the shins and go inside
anyway. Now try and spot somewhere that has a window, a fun tip is to look for
where light that doesn’t feel electric seems to be coming from. Obviously this
doesn’t work at night, but that’s ok, it rarely rains at night. Now ask if you
can “look out the window”. If they say “no” kick them in the shins and go
towards the window anyway. Now rub your wetness all over the curtains while
pretending that you can’t see them, and don’t even know what a curtain is. Adding
dialogue like “why can’t I see out the window, there is literally nothing in
front of it, nothing at all, so this must be some sort of conspiracy. What are
you motherfuckers playing at” will help sell your story. Once you’ve rubbed all
your water all over the curtains now ask them to fix you some food. If the food
they make looks gross, kick them in the shins and run away.
Number Two: This one’s tranquil. I call it the “fun ride”.
Simply head to an amusement park on ‘we think it may be someone’s birthday
today day’. Hope like fuck that they thought correct. Spot the birthday kid.
Push him to the ground and steal his bouquet of balloons. Hold them close to
you and pull out your knife and start popping them one by one letting the
exploding air dry you to the bone. Once you are dry go on a few rides. I bet
they’ll be fun! Please note, the other side of the balloons you’re stabbing may
be your hand, if you stab your hand and it bleeds, just rub it off on the
birthday kids shirt, he won’t care, he’s getting presents. You’re not, why
should he get them but not you? It’s a fucking conspiracy.
Number Three: This one’s exciting. I call this one “it smells
good too”. Overtly take off all your clothes. Grab a lighter. And light your
chest hair on fire. Let it burn until the searing hairs dry you off!
Number Four: This one’s a little strange. Well okay, a LOT
strange. I call this one “do it if you have to, but don’t tell anyone you did,
you’re trying to stop them saying annoying things to you, making fun of you,
and thinking you’re stupid, so looking strange instead is NOT going to help”.
Grab an item called a “towel” and rub, or “towel” your wetness with said
“towel”. If you’re still wet then “towel” more. If someone catches you and says
“what you doing, toweling or something” kick them in the shins and run away
yelling “it’s a conspiracy god damn it!”
That’s right kids, master any of these things, and you don’t
have to worry about rainstorms ANYMORE!
‘Wow, wow, wow, wow, yaayyy, wow, you’ve finally made our
futures seem positive, thanks Dave, thanks SOOOOO much!’
Awww, no, thank YOU kids. By which I mean fucking say what
you’re supposed to say.
‘Thanks to Dave, we’ve sent our stupidly TO THE GRAVE!!!’
Yaaaaay. Well that’s it for me kids. But I will be back. Next
assembly I’ve got something very exciting for you kids. What do you do with
your knee scabs?
‘Pick em and eat em, obviously’.
Ahhh, you idiotic little fools, there’s at least ONE other
option, and when I come back I am going to… Send that Stupidity To The Grave,
with DAVE!
‘Yaaaaaaayyyy’.
