I'm talking Birds, but not just any kind, but ones that can FLY - A poem

Tilley was looking at a bird.

He was jealous of birds.

You see Birds could fly. 

At least some of them. 

And you see those were the ones that Tilley was jealous of. 

And you see, also, Tilley couldn’t fly.

Also Tilley couldn’t walk well, on account of his Rugby career resulting in many leg injuries over the years .

To be more specific he’d sustained six leg breaks, two snapped cruciate knee ligaments, three rotted out fibulas, and worst of all one nasty ingrown toenail, all over the course of four painful years.

He did score three tries too. And make literally dozens of tackles. Although for some reason those seemed to impress less people in the pub.

The “some reason” being that that stat is genuinely not very impressive.

So for Tilley, the thought of flying seemed like a dream.

Which was why he was jealous of the birds.

Also he was jealous of their feathers, they reminded him of tickling, tee he he.

But the flying was the real desire.

A wish he'd wished for at every wishing well he'd seen since before he even noticed the developing second fibular rot.

And now.

In this moment.

As he looked at this bird. 

Which COULD fly.

And with Tilley's desire and jealousy bubbling like a wishing well being boiled from a volcano below it (ultimately melting all those coins, what a waste. Who the hell digs a wishing well without first getting a full geological study done?)

This wish miraculously came true.

Tilley could suddenly fly like an eagle, that had eaten an angel, that had been conceived in the jet-stream of bee.

'Wow, ace' he thought as he soured over a majestic river leading to a beautiful deserted beach, 'this is going to make it easier to get to the Cathedral every afternoon to tell God off for never, ever, ever, EVER letting anything good happen to me, WAY easier' he thought.

'Suck on that God, you dick!' He screamed as flew like a dream over the ocean and watched a pod of orcas swim by a previously undiscovered reef which was so vibrant it made the Great Barrier look like squished cockroach. And was somehow now owned by him.

"I mean seriously, NOTHING good, EVER?" He screamed at god. 

Meanwhile the wife of the poor guy who'd sadly passed on. (Which is a nice way of saying "died"), and through his generous organ and other parts donation, had provided Tilley with TWO fresh fibulas, sat at home forlorn while STILL awaiting her thank-you card.

She was soon giggling though.

Her new beau was ticking her with a feather.

He'd just plucked it from her pet bird which had just died.

But she didn't know that yet, so our ending remains cheerful.

Cheerful as a bee sitting proud on-top a bronzed eagle sculpted from melted coins, with a smile on its face, as it watches his bee mate sucking pollen from flowers, totally unaware that two angels are fornicating in its wake.

Awww.

Positively first lick!

Time for bold statement. Which is hard, because boldness is merely a feeling, and you can't tell people how to 'feel', unless of course you touch the back of their knee with a feather and then tell them that you plucked it from the bird with your eyelids, in which case you're telling them to feel 'subject to speculation derived from a curiosity into the various moving parts in regard to eyelid operation, while matched with standard levels of skill and ability of said body part, mixed with a shiver of creepiness from both the mental image and the back of the knee tickling, leading to uncomfortable levels of uncomfortablity, which in your defense would be even far worse if they knew you'd actually plucked the feather with your genitalia' and I only like making people feel like that when I'm discussing politics, which I am not today, because today I'm talking about something actually important, which is that...

Cake makes a poor hat, yet a unique hat, and I'd rather be unique than poor, therefore I want to make and wear a cake a hat forever!!! Weeee. 

Of course there are some cons to this plan, but then there are also some pros, and I normally prefer to deal with amateurs and non-criminals, so here is a classic list of positive and negative points of wearing a cake as a hat. 

Positive - Some people like hats, they put them on their heads, they hold them in their hands, they use them as frisbees, they rescue small sick and injured woodland creatures in them, they get naked and cover their genitals with them, and then say things like 'you're having a bad hair day, wanna borrow my hat' and their partners are all like 'that's cruel you dick, I mean I wanted to look at your genitals, but why do I have to get insulted to see them?' and they reply 'because I look great naked, and you look great in hats' and they say 'so I DON'T look great naked?' And they they reply 'yeah you do' and then they both get naked, and some people even sometimes use them to keep sun off their face! 

Negative - Some people DON'T like hats. 

Positive - Some people like cake. They eat it with their faces, they share it at parties, they put it on their knife wounds, they use it as bait to catch up on television shows they haven't watched for a while, some of them even eat it with their mouths. 

Negative - Some people don't like cake! 

Positive - Some people like cake hats, lots of people! 

Negative - some people don't like cake hats. 

Positive - They look cool. 

Negative - You don't want to make people think your head is their birthday party, they'll complain that you didn't get presents, that there's no music, and that there is hair in their cake, you're ruining people's birthdays dick. 

Positive - You get to be the center of attention, especially around cake, hat or cake hat enthusiasts! 

Negative - If your head is the cake that'd make your body the tray! And Tre is the name of a character from the movie Boyz n the Hood, and that characters best friend got SHOT! 

Positive - You can challenge people, fearlessly, FEARLESSLY to do super cool stuff by saying 

'If you do that I'll eat my hat!' I'm talking Fearlessly, FEARLESSLY!! Because your hat would be delicious. And I'm talking about challenging people to do super cool stuff such as 

- Jump off that cliff

- smile at that dragon

- lick that lightening bolt

- Eat a bag of owl beaks 

- Solve a blank Rubik's cube with your imagination

- Glue a Lego to your tongue then give oral sex to a Lego batman and yet try to not get your tongue stuck 

- Shovel a bag of shovels into another bag of shovels without touching a single shovel 

- Saying fearlessly, without doubling it up by following it with FEARLESSLY. 

Negative - But then your friends will get to lick all the best lightening first! Eww, who wants to lick USED lightening?

Positive - I do! It'd be like licking my friends tongue and feeling sparks, which is how I image love and intimacy might feel. 

Negative - You've never felt love or intimacy? 

Positive - No, have you? 

Negative - Of course. 

Positive - That's bullshit, I'm WAY more positive than you, I should getting fucking love and intimacy.  

Negative - Well I've had tons, and get this, because I'm negative I get to also say 'ha ha, suck on that you loser, I wouldn't be intimate with you if you were a cake hat shoved in cake stove made out of cake batter!'

Positive - Fuck this, this is fucking bullshit. Life sucks. The world is an ass. The universe can suck a bag of dicks. And I want everyone to catch face rashes and die ugly. Everything is just fucking awful.

Negative - Will save you money on hair products. 

Positive - Wait, did we switch positions?

Negative - I think we did, and we did it fearlessly, FEARLESSLY! 

Yep, cake hats are awesome. Now who wants to come over and hang out, I'll let you have first lick the first bolt of lightning! 

I met a bird

I had a truly intensely amazing experience today. Yes, I met a bird, and we had an oh so wonderful chat.

I mean we just had so much in common. Of course, sure, like with many conversations that chronicle the journey of current strangers along the safe passage to new friends, we had to tangle our way through sections of small talk and mindless busy discourse, but after a while similarities in our stories began to appear, and we found some amazingly coincidental, yet profound common ground. Like just a couple of examples included exciting things such as the fact that it turned out that we both chose air as our preferred source of oxygen, and we both had made homes in a tiny little location known as the planet earth, and we both could never, ever resist the temptation of a bag of French Fries from the garbage, no matter how moldy they’ve become.

Yep, it became clear that we basically were the same person, or ‘the same bird’ as he retorted, and we both laughed and laughed, the ability to unleash laughter being another thing we had in common. 

Oh sure, there were also some tiny minor differences, like I have skin and he has feathers, but then again both of those options are merely a different example of an identical thing – a membrane like casing focused primarily on evading organ spillage. I mean neither one of us, at any given time, has anything worse than a very minor level of organ leakage. And, ok sure, he mostly flies to get places and I mostly walk, but then again sometimes he walks, and I have been known to occasionally take a majestic leap over a muddy puddle. And yeah, I mostly eat spaghetti, where as he mostly eats puked up worm innards, but I am quite sure I have eaten many a stray worm mixed into my spaghetti, I mean that is what Italian food is most famous for, and he did recount a hilarious anecdote about a time he nearly chocked to death in a fancy restaurant after what he thought was a delicious worm, turned out to be instead a delicate strand of slender fettuccine, ha ha, they had to give him ‘the bird Heimlich-maneuver’, which if I was going to paint a picture of would look almost like using a bird as a stuffed turkey being fed to an Ostrich, ha ha, and all because he accidently ate something thinking it was something else, I literally can’t imagine something like that happen to me.

But yeah, ok, we had a few differences too. He believes when looking at politics you should have an open mind and try and understand the arguments on both sides, where as I believe in trying to understand the arguments on both sides of politics open-mindedly. He believes that where there is smoke there probably is fire, but not to spray the water until you feel the heat, where as I have always advocated restraining your water spraying trigger finger until you’ve confirmed that the smoke you are seeing is indeed coming from the flames you are looking at. Oh and plus his beak is way pointier than mine.

We departed soon after we figured out that last one, and so I don’t know if a long lasting friendship will last in friendship forever or not, but I can promise you, if you are reading this right now new bird friend, the next time I am eating some moldy fries out of a garbage can, you can totally have one.  Oh and by the way, I never did get your name, I hope it’s not something weird; I don’t make friends with weirdoes sorry.

Bouncers get a bad reputation

But maybe their job is harder than it looks