Saturday, December 11, 2010

It's just unbelievable

I think the word ‘Unbelievable’ should be banished from the English language.

‘Hey, check out this thingy, it’s unbelievable!’

Monkey colonies living in oxygen pods two miles under sea living off bananas shipped down by black marlin under the promise of monkey on land protection from black marlin predatory deep-sea fisherman.

‘That’s unbelievable!’

No it’s not, it’s the reason I am scared of eating bananas.

Angeles the smaller than fleas that come out in farts to carry away the smell after the smell has lingered for the exact most horrific and/or funny amount of time.

‘That’s unbelievable!’

Um no, it’s the movie script I am trying to sell to Disney.

Girl’s who like sex as much as men

‘That’s unbelievable!’

Um no, well ok, that one is kind of unbelievable.

But wait, check this out, tiny angles that come out of underwater monkey farts that make girls horny, that’s not only believable but something we need to get happening really soon.

Hand me my curry-enriched bananas, I’m onto it fellas.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

What a terrible waste of money

People are always talking about their purchased products and saying things like ‘I paid good money for that’. That is a mistake.

It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.

Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.

Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.

Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.

That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.

So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’

On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.

It’s a messed up system people!

So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.

It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?