Here is a sketch I wrote a year or two back trying to get a job on Saturday Night Live. I'm starting to think Lorne Michaels is never going to call me, so maybe I'll just post it here :)
GAME SHOW – WHO HAD IT WORST? – Bill/Jason/Kristin/Bobby/Michaela
By David Tieck
(OPEN ON: GRAPHIC: “WHO HAD IT WORST”)
(MUSIC: THEME)
(DISS. TO: GAME SHOW SET.)
BILL
Hello and welcome to ‘Who had it worst?’ the game show where we
look at all kinds of suffering and decide who had it worst. I am your
host John Jefferies, now let’s meet our contestants. First up your
returning champs, please welcome back The Widens, Robert and Stephanie
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE RIGHT WHERE JASON SEDAKIS AND KRISTIN WIIG STAN BEHIND THEIR PODIUM LOOKING HAPPY, SWITCHED ON AND CONFIDENT)
JASON
Thanks for having us back
KRISTIN
Yep, we are super excited to be back
BILL
Have you two been enjoying the boat you won last week?
KRISTIN
Sure have
JASON
Absolutely
BILL
Wonderful, well let’s now meet our challengers, The Grahams,
Simon and Kate.
(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE LEFT WHERE BOBBY MOYNIHAN AND MICHAELA WATKINS ARE WAITING LOOKING NERVOUS)
BILL
Now Simon, I understand that you are an accountant?
BOBBY
Yes that’s right, I do tax returns
BILL
Well lucky for you this isn’t the who has the worst job show!
(BILL TURNS TO AUDIENCE WITH A BIG SMILE, EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT BOBBY AND MICHAELA)
BILL
And Kate you are a homemaker, that isn’t interesting at all, so ok,
it’s time to get started, ready for who had it worst round one.
(BILL RETURNS TO CENTER STAGE WHERE THE FIRST QUESTION COMES UP)
BILL
Question one, who had it worst, the dodo bird or the Passenger Pigeon?
JASON
(SFX: BUZZER)
Both extinct but the Passenger Pigeon was hunted by humans where as the dodos did it to themselves, therefore the dodo will be treated worst in the afterlife, my answer is the dodo!
BILL
That is correct! Question two, who had it worst, Clipper fans or
Knicks fans?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Easy one, the clippers have no real fans, so it’s Knicks fans!
BILL
That’s correct! Question three, who had it worst, Hitler or Stalin?
KRISTIN
(SFX: BUZZER)
Well the full Stalin Mustache is still popular around the world, but the Hitler Mustache has been all but eradicated, so Hitler had it worst!
BILL
That is correct!
(CUT TO BOBBY AND MICHAELA WHO ARE DUMFOUNDED)
BILL
And that is the end of round one where our defending champions have
leapt into the lead. Time to remind the viewers of the rules! Here on
‘Who had it worst?’ contestants must decide not just who had it worst,
but justify it in a manor which is true yet not the most obvious answer.
Time for round two, the body part round! Question one, who had it worst,
the Octomum’s uterus or Kirstie Alley’s rectum?
MICHAELA
(SFX: BUZZER)
The Octomum’s uterus! Had to carry eight babies!
BILL
Ohhh, close but that is the most obvious answer I am sorry. Widens?
JASON
Kirstie Alley’s rectum. It has had to pass more gross tonnage!
BILL
That is correct! The Widens steal the points. Next question, who had it
worst A-rods needle riddled butt cheek, or Barry Bonds steroid induced ballooning head?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
Barry Bonds head, because it is exposed where the butt is under the pants!
BILL
I am sorry, that is very close but wrong I am sorry
JASON
The answer is A-rods butt cheek, because on top of needles it had to
be felt up by Madonna’s veiny wrinkly old hands
BILL
You are spot on!
BOBBY
This is ridicules!
BILL
And that is the end of round two. Time now for the lightening round,
which is of course all about who had it worst when dealing with nature,
there is no need to buzz in this round, whoever answers quickest gets
the points. Who had it worst someone who dies in a fire or someone
who drowns in a flood?
KRISTIN
The fire, because you leave an uglier corpse
BILL
Yes! Who had is worst someone caught in a hurricane or someone
caught in a tornado?
JASON
Tornado, because you’re more likely to be hit by a cow in a tornado
BILL
Yes! Who had it worst, the guy eaten by a bear or the guy eaten by a tiger?
JASON
The bear, because if the bear is about to hibernate it may be months
before you are fully digested
BILL
That is correct again! Wow, you two are on fire, no pun intended,
clean sweep.
BOBBY
Oh come on
MICHAELA
(ANGRY)
This is madness!
BILL
Well that is the end of the lightening round. The Widens are way in front,
but we do have one final round and one more question. Who had it worst,
the horse killed and turned into dog food, or the dog killed and served in
a Korean restaurant?
BOBBY
(SFX: BUZZER)
(THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON BOBBY’S FACE, TIME SLOWS DOWN, HE IS NERVOUS YET DETERMINED, HE SEEMS SHOCKED HIMSELF THAT HE HAD PRESSED THE BUZZER)
Um
MICHAELA
You can do it Simon!
BOBBY
(LONG BEAT)
Um, um
BILL
Your answer please?
BOBBY
Ok, it’s the man who thought he ordered the beef but was accidently
served the dog which was cooked while it still had horse meat dog food in its belly
BILL
Oh my god, not only is that correct, but you have just pulled a third party,
which means you steal all of your opponent’s points to win the game!
(BALLOONS FALL FROM THE SKY OVER BOBBY AND MICHAELA, MUSIC IS PLAYING, BOBBY AN MICHAELA ARE CELEBRATING, JASON AND KRISTIN ARE FURIOUS)
BILL
(YELLING OVER THE TOP)
As you know all prizes here on who’s had it worse are come
from property recently seized by police from criminals, and this
weeks prize is $10,000 cash in counterfeit $100 bills recently seized
from the mafia by the NYPD!
(CREDITS START TO ROLL, BOBBY AND MICHAELA ARE TRYING TO GET BILLS ATTENTION)
BOBBY
Wait, did you say counterfeit dollars?
FADE OUT
