Sunday, January 31, 2010

Not so cool after all you shit

When I was younger adults always used to tell us “you are what you eat”. I wanted to be cooler, so I one day I tracked down the most popular kid in my school and watched what he ate. More peanuts than I was expecting!

So then I followed him after school too, and that’s when I stabbed him and ate him. I never did turn into him though. Turns out that 'are what you eat is a load of shit'. In the end I was glad, because the next day when I was shitting him out he suddenly didn’t seem to so cool. Its hard to look cool when you’ve been mashed into a brown log with a bit of peanut lodged into your head.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

And now a message from inside my pants

I went to the shops to meet my dad this week, where bought me underpants for my 33rd birthday! I don’t know how the hell I reached this point in life. My dad and I have the perfect guy relationship, we talk sports, and personal stuff is never ever, ever mentioned fucking ever! Now we have a tradition where he buys me underpants.

I hate the word underpants, we call them undies in Aussie which is a little bit better, it just sounds too fucking childish to me.I'd prefer to call them 'cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies'

'Victorias secret, now stocking a full mens range of cock warmers, fart keeperinerers, sort of, at least keep the skid marks off your pants dealies, mmm sexy'

I wear the little shorts ones now, it took me like twenty nine years to find those, the rest of the time I wore uncomfortable shit. The little ones which dig in, and boxer shorts which leave you to flap.

By the way, I used to think that the fact I flapped too much but that this didn’t bother others was a sign I might be you know bigger than the ruler suggested.

You know what else, you know people cross their legs, and girls go tight, guys go either like horizontal and loose, or tight like girls. That used to make my balls hurt, so I assumed guys who did that tight way were small in the junk, but now I do it sometimes! Does that mean my balls have shrunk?

When I was young, and hoping puberty would hit me one of these days, I started getting underpants which had pictures of a guys bulge on the cover, something I have never fucking understood, why on earth marketers think guys want to buy underpants with pictures of naked body building, socks in underpants, on their underpants packaging, but anyway I was now getting underpants with a picture of a guy who clearly new first hand what a pube looked like, unlike me. The thing is I used to think that this picture was evidence that I could use to prove to my friends I had a teenage rather than prepubescent cock, should I need to prove it to them, and they be stupid enough (and gay enough) to want evidence but not just tackle me to the ground and pull my pants down in a act of humiliating sexual assault. Here friends, THIS is a picture of the guy who models my underpants!!! Take that you doubting fooools.

Ahh penis, will you and I ever be friends?

By the way, I really god damn wish I knew what I did while I sleep. On this lovely morn I wake to huge back and buttock bruises, what the fuck, was I a rock star last night who took a leap into the drums, cause I don't remember that.

I’m off to LA tonight, see you all in like a day or so!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hard core accounts management (and anal sex)

When I was an accounts officer for a while back in the shitty days, I was the back up head of the department, and for a while I was in charge of double checking my co-workers work and fixing any errors they had made.

This one day an asshole cunt of an old timer who refused to use email, had requested a stop payment by phone. I saw it not done so did it, as was my job. And then all hell broke loose!

The girl whose main job was to make these payments, an impossibly gorgeous blonde, with cute dimples and a body which if cast into a toy would, like barbie, start controversy over the unrealistic element of female bodies in toy form, with an ass so perfect she literally individually made me obsessed with anal sex, was SLAUGHTERED by this guy for having made the payment, even after she was asked not to. He screamed at her so bad the building shook and three desks were covered in his spit.

The thing was it was me who had made the payment. She had missed one, my job was to check that no broker had made an email request to have this stopped, and so as was my job I paid it. However, even though it was actually me, and I was in the right, as he had refused to follow protocol designed to stop these fuck ups, I stood and watched him tear this girl a new wrist (leave her asshole alone, that’s mine (I wish)).

Within moments a boss of a high enough standing called the two of them into his office, and my immediate boss, and I sat in my desk immediately recognising I had just missed an opportunity to be a hero to the staff, to demonstrate some leadership, to stand up for what was right, to knock a bully down to size with some stone cold truth that it was inability to stay up with the times and follow simple protocol but most importantly get a better shot at getting into this girls ass.

Since then I have looked back on this moment as a turning point, well maybe a defining point, which would ultimately change me. If I wanted to fuck girls in the ass I would have to stand up for myself occasionally!

I should have told this stubborn old man that he was a useless and as intelligent as fungi growing on a dead cows ass bones. And he had no right to yell at someone else for his own deeply entrenched stupidity, and then said ‘now hey baby, want me to go bend you over the copy machine!

Even if the girl did turn out to be coke snorting whore who was fucking various guys in the office for cocaine and other reasons, and who didn’t quit but just stopped coming into work one day and then wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to do all her fucking work until we got a chance to find out for sure that she hadn’t been murdered and was just being a selfish bitch, and then I had to go through the process of hiring someone new, who I had to train, which was all fucked (plus my boss and I were given specific ‘advice’ from management that we weren’t allowed to hire a pretty girl, as apparently we’d hired three pretty girls in a row and we might be called sexists, but I wasn’t involved in those hirings, this was my first one, and I wanted to hand pick someone who was qualified but would ultimately not be able to keep herself from sleeping with me).

It tool a while for me to make the change into the weird, yet confident artist I am, but I still wish I could go back and re-live that moment, I mean seriously, that girls ass was amazing.

Thus we come to the first time I actually did get to make love to a girl’s ass. I was in the middle of a sex drought so bad I was in physical pain, which caused me to call up a girl I had dated briefly who I had broken up with resulting in her sending me a text message every five minutes for 4 days calling me a cunt, and I was having sex with her (she said even though I was a massive asshole I was the best sex she’d ever had so she was happy to go for another run – hell yeah) so we did it. And then she was asking me about ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ and this lead her to say ‘have you ever fucked a girl in the ass?’

Twenty minutes later I had and it was fucking awesome - for both of us - even though I never got in there again she later admitted to me that this had become a regular and important part of her sex life, and then she married a guy who was like ten years younger than her, like her 28 to his 18 or something, I can’t really remember, but it was clearly a massive mistake. Here is the thing though; as we were doing it (it = the anal) ‘Relax’ by Frankie goes to Hollywood came on radio!

The lessons

One – omens which suggest that you will get lots of anal in your life are false (I have got no more, fuck you world, and Frankie)

Two – Standing up for yourself (or giving a girl cocaine) is a much better way to get into a girls ass than sitting silent like a fucking pussy while someone unfairly screams at her.

Three – Writing a book called ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ can inspire people to offer you first time experiences (but only once – fuck you world)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's back baby

My internet has been down for a couple of days, grrrrrr, but now its back baby, and I can respond to all my lovely comments.

Hey get this one, what do you call it when your internet down? Annoying! (not so much a joke as a statement of truth born out of frustration and put into a question and answer type dealy)

By the way, fuck you NBC. First you take away my beloved Conan's show, now your sending repeats back to Australia denying me his last couple of days of hilariously ripping you a new asshole.

By the way, when you go to a restaurant they always assume you are there for a party. Smith party of four! Which makes sense because when I want to really party hard I always call up a friend and say “dude, wanna go to Ihop”

Speaking of parties, when I blow my nose I always look into the tissue to see how much snot and what colour it is. When I scratch my balls I always sniff my fingers after to see how they smell. When I take of a condom I’ve just blown a load in I always hold it up to see how much I’ve filled it up, and I squeeze it to see how thick it is, but if I get a pimple I never squeeze it, because pimple puss is fucking gross.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ok, I’m officially scared

I’ve started sleep walking again.

It’s been a while. Back when I had a real job I would unplug and sometimes hide my alarm while I was asleep so I wouldn’t have to get up and go to work. In the end I had to set about ten alarms and sticky tape down the alarm on button so it would be harder to turn off while asleep.

Sometimes I would have conversations with people that I remembered as dreams. I would say weird stuff. I have one horribly terrifying memory that I once went into my mother’s room and asked if I could get in bed with her, and asked her some questions about sex, and even though she never said anything, and I only remembered it as a dream, I kind of thought I may have been sleep walking, I still fucking hope that was just a dream (but do you remember just a dream for twenty years?)

Apparently some times I just talk gibberish while asleep. I’ve been known to write a little, to paint a little, and I am sure lots of times I have just done nothing much so not even known that I sleep walked (slept walked?)

So last night while asleep I got up, came out into my living room, got on the computer where I proceeded to responded to a couple of people on here, and then re-tweeted two random tweets I had tweeted months ago, I even recycled one of my poor cheese tweets (plus when twitter became big I fucking hated it, and I still kind of hate myself for falling on the band wagon, although thinking of tweets has inspired some of my favourite jokes I’ve written, so blah, you know?) I have no idea what I could possibly have been dreaming about which would have inspired me to do what I did last night though. I woke up with no memory of my dreams at all, which is not my usual way.

Here is the thing though, nine nights out of ten I can fly in my dreams, but I always have some sort of troubles with it, so it’s always immensely frustrating, and while I am here in ....Australia.... I am living fifteen floors up, and I am terrified of taking a frustrating sleep walking fly off my balcony. Ever since I bought this place I have been worried I might do it. I have made a point to tell many people that if I get found one morning in a dead pile on the street in front of the building then it was NOT suicide. I have either been murdered or thought I could fly in a dream and tried to sleep walk across Sydney Harbour. Even if you read the book I wrote with a lead character who wants to commit suicide, that doesn’t mean me. Even though I was actually borderline suicidal for much of my teens and early twenties (possibly getting into bed with your mom can do that to you) I am definitely NOT anymore. (I’ll probably write a lot more about this stuff one day, to be completely honest I have blocked out most of the memories from this time of my life and I am both extremely curious to unlock those memories and frightened to unlock them. Is it wrong that I kind of want to get therapy to unlock these memories mostly in the hope I can turn them into stories for my books or stand up?) Anyway, I have long feared accidently jumping off the balcony, but up until now I haven’t caught myself sleep walking since I have been in this place (I took two sleeping pills last night, just over the counter stuff, but I WONT be pulling them out again for a while).

I didn’t mean for this blog to get into this serious stuff, and I hope to not continue to sleep walking, but if I do here are -

Things I hope to do while sleep walking

Finally figure out how to get back into America (where I only have a one story frustrating sleep walk off the balcony

Go to the gym (and tape myself doing it so I know for sure I went – also eat something healthy just for the hell of it)

Cure AIDs (you know, cause people would kind of like that I think)

Shit on a pigeon (for good luck)

Formerly change the name of ‘Coca-cola’ to ‘Coke’ (It’s about time, am I right?)

Vomit on my balcony (because I like watching the birds eat it plus you know, I might slip on it bang my head and wake up so I don’t jump off the balcony)

Invent a magical tile configuration (that you can just look at and everything is awesomeousness)

Anyone else got some funny sleep walking stories?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Point your telescopes at the Necessity

Little known fact: The telescope was originally invented for looking at stars!!!!

Then some dude was like 'hey man I can see the stars without this you tool' where upon the telescopes primary use was reverted to trying to spot unsuspecting naked chicks doing their dishes.

So three years ago today, I wiped the shaving cream off my face that was applied via the paint brush of an extremely ugly stripper's bad fake breasts, whom someone hired for my 30th birthday, I grabbed a mate, jumped on a plane to Vegas and embarked on freakin awesome, and huge adventure. It's

The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast

Find the links to every chapter right here (it is my birthday after all)

Actually Dave, stop being lazy - ok David you pushy mother fucker, I'll re-link them all now

The Necessity of Excessively: Turning 30 coast to coast to coast to coast to coast

By David Tieck

Part 1

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Photos for chapters 1-4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

The birth of men worrying about penis size discovered

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Photos for chapter 10 - San Francisco

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

A Grand Canyon Photographic experience

More photos for Necessity Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Dave and Greenie make the paper

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

A photographic Mardi Gras experience

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Photos for SXSW Austin

In case you like fire

Chapter 29

Photos for chapter 29

Chapter 30

Part Two

Chapter 1

Photos for chapter 1

Chapter 2

Photos for chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Photos for chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Photos for New York

Arty and B&W Photos for New York

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Photos for New England

Chapter 18

Photos for New England Pt 2

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Photos for Toronto

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Everyone is talking about talking

I was having a talk with my friend about talking the other day, oh we talked the talk the literal talk that is, the different types of talk - small talk, monologue talk, vagina talk, happy talk, sad talk, gopher talk, pillow talk, chalk talk, sweater vest talk, you know all the popular talks with the youth.

It was only after talking talk for a few hours that we both had the same thought ‘we should talk to some people about doing a tour of talks talking about talking’. After all everyone talks, it’s the best way to you know, tell people stuff and ask them stuff.

The talking about talking tour went great; it was the talk of the town. One headline proclaimed ‘everyone’s talking about talking about talking’ and another proudly stated ‘the talking about talking about talking article about the talking about talking tour has become the most talked about article of the year!’ (admittedly it was the author of the original 'everyone's talking about talking about talking article' who claimed it was the most talked about article of the year, but who were we to complain?

Success was ours. But we grew restless. We had a talk one day and we were like ‘all we’re doing is talking man, and talk is cheap according to an old cliché which is clearly false because people are definitely talking about how the talking about talking ticket prices are far too pricey, you know, just for a couple of dudes talking’.

Don’t get me fucking wrong, people were listening, hell yeah people were listening, no one would have been talking about the talking about talking tour if no one was listening, but still they had a point, we were just a couple of dudes talking.

So we decided to do something about it, and we formed a band. After a long talk we christened the band ‘Fleeting Forever’ and we were sure soon enough people would stop talking about the talking about talking tour and would all be talking about Fleeting Forever.

We wrote this song.

It’s my head

I never asked you to come to me

I don’t even know your name

But when I’m feeling sad and down

You’re always somewhat to blame

Why do you always tell me I’m not good enough?

Why do you always put me down?

Are you trying to be tough?

Does it make you feel good?

To see me here in despair

Why do you spend so much time with me?

When you don’t even seem to care

Stop talking to me

Stop talking to me

Why can’t you leave me alone?

I’m afraid

I guess I’m afraid of myself

The pessimism you plant in me

Is not what I deserve from you

You could help pick me up and make me feel good

But that’s not what you do

You choose to try and influence me

To say and do things I don’t want to do

The risks I take to satisfy you each day

Always leave me in despair

But you still follow me

To here and to there

And its clear that you don’t even care

Stop talking to me

Stop talking to me

Why can’t you leave me alone?

I’m afraid

I guess I’m afraid of myself

I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me

I’m afraid to hear your voice

I guess I’m afraid of myself

And we played it for a few people, and they were like, ‘what the hell is wrong with you, you depressing fucks’. So we had another crack at it, and wrote this thing.

Dirty river bed

I’ve made a big mistake

I didn’t think I was capable of such stupidity

Am I getting too complacent?

Have I been going for too long?

I’ve made a big mistake

If only I could tell

The difference between night and day

Am I getting too privileged?

Have I just been talking so much?

I made a big mistake

And it set me free

For one more day

So what am I going to do?

What sin can I commit to attest?

I don’t want to look in the mirror

I know I’m not looking my best

I may be laughing

But I’m laughing at myself

I’m getting ahead of myself

Showing up at the airport a day early

I’m getting behind myself

What more do I need to confess

Maybe everything is falling apart

Maybe I’m just learning

To look at the mountains reflecting

Rather than the dirty river bed

I’ve made a big mistake

I always thought reliable

Was the best I could achieve?

Am I getting too different?

Am I starting to disappear?

I’ve made a big mistake

If you want it done right

Why don’t you just do it yourself?

Am I getting too much knowledge?

Have I spent too much time in class?

I’ve made a big mistake

It seems I do still have idiocy left in me

I know I’m not the greatest

But that’s no reason to stop trying

I can’t give too much effort

I can’t move too far away

I’m getting ahead of myself

Showing up at the airport a day early

I’m getting behind myself

What more do I need to confess

Maybe everything is falling apart

Maybe I’m just learning

To look at the mountains reflecting

Rather than the dirty river bed

And we played it for a few people, and they’re like ‘seriously what the fuck is wrong with you guys, you depressing mother fuckers, plus that isn’t even structured anything like a song’.

So you know we kind of gave up for a while.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

I blame TPG (because it their fault!)

My internet collapsed on me today while I was live on air with Kismet, so now I bring you

Things to do while your internet is down

- Reacquaint yourself with cavernous frustration

- Remind yourself you can survive without immediate access to porn

- Scratch off the dead skin between your toes

- Watch morning talk show hosts seamlessly segue from light hearted banter about nothing much to deep pain filled reporting on the Haiti tragedy to immediately laughing out loud at the mere thought that after the break they’ll be remembering the funniest movies of the decade

- Press on each of the bruises on your body while trying to figure out just how the fuck you got them all

- Study the brown stains on your pillow while wondering whether you can be assed to put a pillow case on

- Think to yourself ‘kittens don’t have hands they have cute little paws’ then go ‘aaawwwwwww’

- Consider stabbing a random Ford employee in revenge for their horribly annoying German Shepherd commercial

- Try to go back to sleep while clenching all of the muscles in your body cause your internet won’t fucking connect ‘connect god damn it CONNECT!’

- Wonder if anyone has ever said ‘if this boats a rockin then don’t come a knocking’ before remembering ‘ahh waves, maybe that’s why its rockin’

- Put your cell phone in your underpants and hope someone rings

- Smell your cell phone and regret that last one

- Check the current prices for flights to LA, oh that’s right your internet isn’t fucking working

- Speculate why you have barbecue sauce in your bedroom

- Think ‘ahh yeah, I see where your going with that’ but then admit to yourself that your lying

Thanks to those who came along to check it out!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Questions of the morning (even though technically its the afternoon)

Why do people eat vegetables? I tried it two nights ago, and ate a cob of corn, and I swear every god damn kernel just came out in the shit I just took (plus I chew, I swear I do, does corn reform in your ass?)

How does Jay Leno still get great jobs when I can't get shit (even corny shit)?

How on earth do three teenage girls go through about 5 rolls of toilet paper in about eight hours?

Will any of these questions not be at least a little bit about shit?

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does Tiger Woods make a point of cheating on his wife with it? (written way more closely to the release of the scandal, but I don't think I released is mediocre hilarity at the time)

How is it possible that three teenage girls staying in my house meant I ended up watching the first third of an awful, awful, awful fucking unbelievably bad, Jesse Metcalf (or whatever his fucking name is) movie and then going to bed relatively early instead of having fun?

Do you like big action films, blood and gore, and death – well have you considered becoming a dental hygienist? Its all the thrills of an action film, gadgets, blood, fear, heroes, villains, so make every day of your life like Die Hard – live exciting, dental hygienist exciting!

I just ate the south beach diet book, so how does this work, the paper rips up the inside of your intestines so you lose intestine weight?

And now for a little known fact: People who like sleeping on a soft mattress are 78% more likely to have one day licked a beehive, mmmm honey.

Now everything is going to be awesomeousness for everyone!

David 'Jetlag' 'Random Impish Rain' 'The bar tailed Godwit' Tieck joins (on a trial basis sort of) Full Circle With Kismet.

(By the way I am currently in bed, drenched in sweat and my computer is making weird bell noises - hell yeah, I guess)

At least one of us on this show invented a new form of non-flammable toilet paper - freeing all fart lighters and spicy food lovers from horribly burned assholes (I hope it was Kismet, because it wasn't me, and I'd hate to be made a liar here).

Listen tomorrow, I'll be on Skype from Sydney Australia on a poor built in computer mike talking in Seattle, and it will be 8am my time, which is about six hours before my usual wake up time, and I will still be drunk from the night before, hell fucking yeah this is going to be something (assuming something may equal good or bad or weird or train-wreck or hell yeah life changing)

Blog talk radio motherfuckers. Were going to change the, you know, time you spend listening to it, because if your listening to it because of this blog, but you wouldn't have been otherwise, then your world has CHANGED. That's a Dave Tieck guarantee!!!!

Anyway listen please.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Make me such and such!!!!

If Conan goes to fox he'll need a show after him so he can say 'stay tuned for such and such' I say MAKE ME SUCH AND SUCH!

Who's with me?

I'm serious here, its time for an unknown nutball to get a show, so my campaign starts right here (or on that other post I did yesterday to ask for this), and here I am stepping it up, this is serious -

If I get a network talk show, on episode one - I will get a vasectomy ON CAMERA!!!!

Holy ball slice.

Spread the word!!!

So much sex!!!!! Stupid bike.

I have this big pile of books in my room, most of them I've read, but then an offshoot of unread books which I pick at when in need of something to read. Just now I went to do 33 minutes on the bike in my Gym and I didn't have anything to read so I grabbed a book which was a collection of blogs from a girl who described herself as having a one track mind and wanted to write about it for a year.

I bought this a few years ago when I wrote a blog called 'Man in the city' a delightful romp through my own far less than successful sexual experienced.

Fuck me, I just realized I am about to write a blog which is pouring out of my sub-conscience 'you know you haven't been laid in a while' reserves. I used to write these all the time, poorly veiled attempts to get sympathy for not getting laid, with a hope girls want to fuck guys they feel sorry for.

Anyway, point is, I hate these fucking books, because as usual this one went like this 'I don't know whats wrong with me, I went out last night and only seven guys tried to get in my pants, I know I'm a bit fat, but I'm not like ugly ugly, so what's wrong with me?'

Fuck off.

Ok so the idea was to tell you this then randomly select a blog to re-post from the old MATC, so I just went and looked in there and its all cliche bullshit and me whining and depressing shit. Screw that.

Instead check this out:

The thing I like about prostitutes is that most of them are willing to have sex with you if you offer them money. The thing I don’t like about prostitutes is that if you offer these same women the same money to clean your house, few of them will do so – which makes me suspect that some of these whores are kind of slutty, and I don’t like slutty women

Aaaaahhh, thats better.

So I turn 33 on Monday. Fuck me. you only have a birthday with the same two digits every 11 years, feels like that should mean something other than an excuse to feel really old! I am hoping to spend that day on a plane to LA, but not sure otherwise. I feel like I should do something fucked up and crazy, which is usually my forte but I am forming a blank right now, any suggestions.

By the way it turns out that 33 minutes on an exercise bike is stupid.

The late night talk show war SOLUTION

Give me a talk show!!!! Simple. Here is a sample of one of the many show formats I can pitch to them. Can we start a give Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck a show petition, and does anyone know five million people you can get to sign it. I'm happy to go on at 1am too!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tedium and magnesium

No time for comedy today :( :( :( going through the trying to get a US visa process again, its looking good but my god its tedious and painful.

Also I had to go to a meeting at the US consulate at 815am this morning, which for many is probably not that bad, but for me it was the equivalent of maybe 415am for regular souls which means my brain responds by not allowing me any sleep, not even the hint of a wink, I don't think my eyes even closed last night. I'm tired, boo.

Poor me, poor me, poor me (shut the fuck up Dave, its not that bad)

Ok, so in a big case of 'here is some I prepared earlier, here is a couple of random things (jokes) I wrote once:

When I am bored I like to buy a lipstick from a company which promises they don’t test their cosmetics on animals, and then I go ahead and stick it up a bunnies ass, because unlike some of these companies I believe in equality

When I’m bored I like to replace all the blocks of Monterrey jack cheese in my fridge with equal sized blocks of cheddar cheese, just to mess with my roommates minds. Unfortunately though I live alone, so I rarely cause the bewilderment I am seeking, although on a positive note I do really like cheese, and this way I get to eat twice as much

Even Stevens was a fucking liar, I know for a fact he once lost a dollar in a bet over who was the first person to ever arrogantly point out to a stranger in a bar that a peanut is actually a legume not a nut. Even my ass!

The irony of the arms race between Russia and the USA was that arms is actually short for 'armory', not 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium', even though far more people fear 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium' than 'armory', so suck it Gorbatrov

I put the word magnesium in in my title and now I feel an intense pressure to use it in the body of this blog, so here goes, I am going to try and write a joke about magnesium right as I write this, one so good that will blow your freaking minds and I am feeling the pressure now, so much so that this sentence I am writing right now is a clear attempt to stall in the hope that I can think of something funny about magnesium when all my brain is saying to me is 'magnesium almost rhymes with gymnasium, maybe you can do something with that?' (fuck off brain - that is a horrible suggestion). What the fuck is magnesium anyway? A metal? A chemical? Something on that periodic table thing? And why the fuck did it have to rhyme with tedium? And why is rhyming so on my mind right now? Fuck me, I'm hitting the dictionary, where all good joke writers go for material. (hell yeah, not - oh shit, Wayne's World bits Dave? You really are tired?)

Magnesium = a silver-white malleable ductile light metallic element that occurs abundantly in nature and is used in metallurgical and chemical processes, in photography, signaling, and pyrotechnics because of the intense white light it produces on burning, and in construction especially in the form of light alloys

Ok here goes, as I must go, so I need to write something here, ready, one - two - three

Do you ever find yourself trying to set off a pyrotechnical display to impress your lover, only to find out she is NOT turned on by intense white burning light coming out of your penis hole right at the moment of penetration? This is scientific proof that tedium can't be solved with magnesium!!!!!

Oh fuck hell yeah.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Possibly disgusting lessons I just learned

1. If you come home literally clenching your butt cheeks so hard that your butt is sweating profusely to hold what is a long time coming poo from exciting your rectum only to discover there is no toilet paper in the house, it fucking sucks
2. I just farted badly in the elevator then a couple got on the next floor and were both convinced that Domino's pizza had just delivered - therefore either dominos fucking sucks in Australia or my farts are freaking awesome
3. Whoever is responsible for changing the toilet paper in the toilet in my buildings gym is doing a fucking awful job
4. If you decide to use an old loaf of white bread as a toilet paper substitute then leaving the remains next to a jar of nutulla is a cruel joke to play on any chocolate hazelnut spread lovers in your house (I didn't actually do this, I did think about it, but went with a newspaper instead)
5. Newspaper does not flush well
6. Having a shower to make up for the shitty wipe (ha ha pun) you just had is not news your roommates wish to hear

Is everyone else having an awesomousness weekend?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Proof cave men were geniuses; this blog has lots of sex

Just about every animal on earth fucks the same way, doggy style, so why the fuck is this called ‘doggy’ style? Didn’t some cave men watch sabre tooth tigers fuck and say lets try it ‘sabre’ style.

No they didn’t, because the cave men had the forethought to think that one day humans will choose to keep slobbery hairy animals in our homes, and let them poo in our back yards, and we’d like to think about them while doing it from behind, after all it is the position with the least face to face, the dude can look at the dog, and the girl can look at the sheets and get turned on by her decorating skills!! Cave men = Geniuses = proven!!!

Plus doing it doggy style, if the girl doesn’t want your cum on her back to clean up, simply spray all over the floor and the dog will lick it up. You ain’t going to get no Woolly Mammoth to lick your cum off your floor, no matter how much they like doing each other from behind.

Plus lesbians have the scissor position, because of course you want to think about sharp cutting metal while rubbing your genitals together!

Also the BC people were geniuses, they didn’t just know Jesus was coming, they new when! Or how else did they know to count the years backwards? “oh shit, its 0001 BC, we better get our fucking, stealing and murdering out of the way, Jesus is coming in a year and I have a feeling he is going to ruin it all!” Thus starting the tradition of New Years debauchery!!! Thanks BC people, you don’t get the respect you deserve.

True story: On New Year Eve 1999/2000 I was at a party which sucked ball sack, and I was still in my pathetic shy stage (read I wasn’t getting even close to any girls) and so with five minutes left in the 1900s I decided to play my trump card, hope like fuck some girls would get so enthused about this infamous event that they would just, you know, grab a strange shy boy and give him a midnight kiss. So I purposely positioned myself next to three cute girls, and as the count down began, turned to face them ‘come to mamma’ (if mamma = loser) and to my shock, instead they made out with each other, one by one. And as much as I would like to see a couple of girls cut each others vaginas out with scissors, THIS display of lesbianism was merely crushing.

Later I ran into some guy fingering one of these girls on the beach the party was at in front of about a thousand people.

But don’t worry, only about a year and a half later, I DID get my first kiss of the 2000s, hell fucking yeah, the fact that this girl was making out with another dude within minutes of me was only slightly crushing. (Thanks for the warning cave men and BC pricks)

Note to self: Next time you’re at this same party and you and your friend meet two girls, one of which is proudly wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sexpert’ on the front, choose to be the one of the two of you that says ‘If your really a sexpert prove it’ instead of the one thinking ‘you asshole, no way that will work, and you’ll just piss both these girls off’ because it turns out the one that says ‘prove it’ will soon be getting a blow job in the adjacent woods, and that’s not you

I am actually a member of sexual fetish group, we’re not weird or anything, we just like fucking dolphins in their head holes. Oh come on, don’t get mad at me, have an open mind, actually that’s why we like the dolphins, because they are literally open minded (get it, cause they have holes in their head!!!!! Hell you know yeah).

Also why do some guys like getting blow jobs while driving their car? Where the fuck are you going that you can’t pull over to enjoy having your dick sucked you selfish pricks. Plus can I come to this place you’re going, sounds like a fun time.

Oh by the way, is there a sporting team you hate? If so I’m now offering my special skills as a sport team jinxer.

Here is my record

North Sydney Bears: I was the biggest fan in the world (no exaggeration) they were kicked out of the competition after making the play offs 8 of the past ten years, and despite being over a hundred years old (long, angry story)

Arsenal: I went to see them twice while in England in two different seasons, both times they recorded the loss which was later widely considered to be the losses which cost them the title

Seattle Supersonics: I went to see them and they were dead in a couple of years

LA Lakers: I went to see them and the same year Magic Johnson got AIDs

Northern Spirit: Aussie soccer team, I bought a season ticket and within two years not only were they dead, but the entire competition was shut down for good

A lot more minor ones I can’t be bothered to list.

I am taking bids, give me money to become a fan of a team you hate and I’ll check them out and DESTROY THEM. (I can't promise to give their star player AIDs but I can sure try hard)

My mind is much frazzled today, can you tell? Not my normal focused insanity, just frazzled.

By the way brushing your teeth with broken glass is only a two birds one stone scenario if you have some left over broken glass AND are mad at your teeth and gums. I am so sick of people coming up to me and saying they killed two birds with one stone last night by brushing their teeth with broken glass and then it turns out they were only using up broken glass, but felt no ill will towards there teeth and gums (why does spell check want to change gums, do gums not really exist, have i just made that up and been using it for years and no one knows how to tell me, ok now I'm freaked out), get your clichés right you assholes.

Anyone doing anything exciting today?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

You'll never believe this carpet, hell yeah

See that darkness down there all around me? That is my CARPET! The actual stuff! (its actually red wine colored, to cover up red wine stains)

And this is me lying on my guitar which is lying on my CARPET and my RUG!!! (Right where the guitar lies on this rug there is now a red wine stain, fuck you friend of mine who did that and never confessed but did leave me to wake up next to a big ass stain and and a bunch wet paper towels showing that you knew what you did but couldn't be bothered to clean it properly - plus, the whole fucking carpet it red wine colored, aim your spills better you prick)

Oh my god, these gloves are sitting on my coffee table, which is sitting on my rug, which you better believe is sitting on my CARPET!!!!!!! Hell Yeah

This is me, casting a spell which didn't work, because I did it on a sheet, on the floor, and not on the CARPET!!!!

Me lying on some weird rubber floor not a carpet, notice my knee is injured, coincidence? (actually I'd just attempted a marathon with a knee I'd injured snow boarding, but still where is the carpet you bastards)

One day ALL the carpet will be gone, scary? Yes! (plus why the fuck did I wear flip flops to walk on an active volcano, moron? Yes!)

This is me literary breaking a world record, how did I do it, the room had fucking carpet!

What happens when you leave the safety of the carpet to enter the nightmare of the sea? You look like a tool in front of girls in bikinis, thats what!

This photos has absolutely fucking nothing to do with carpet!!!!!!!!

Carpet, carpet, CARPET, carpet

Anyone else feel like giving oral sex right now?

Monday, January 4, 2010

I think its time carpet got more respect, WAY more respect

Let’s just be honest right up the top here, the thing about carpet is that it’s better than a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand, right? And people don’t think about that anywhere near enough.

I mean think about it, a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand is pretty freaking useless. Unless of course you are entering a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, in which case even a really soft, even plush carpet made with premium Marino wool will win you few points in a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, but be honest with yourself, how often are you going to enter a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition? Two, maybe three times a month? At least, but how often are you going to walk on your carpet? Probably daily

Cardboard cut-outs in general are pretty useless to be quite frank. They are poor alternatives to the real thing, like those cardboard cut-outs of celebrities? What can you do with them, just look at em and stuff. Plus buckets of sand don’t do much for you, I mean your at the beach, there is sand freaking everywhere, why put it in a bucket? To steal! And that’s not nice. So you’d have to be insane to choose a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand over having your house carpeted.

And think about this, maybe you want to tell a friend that you are going to have an abortion but you don’t know how to say it, so you’re looking for a metaphor you can use which will be easy to act out and will clearly get your point across without you needing to say the actual word ‘abortion’, what are you going to do? It’s obvious isn’t it, you will put a small pile of sand (proving you had an actual bucket of sand, so cardboard cut-out, are you fucked in the head?) on the carpet, tell your friend you are pregnant, then say ‘but hey see that sand, imagine for a moment that’s my foetus’, then you will grab your vacuum cleaner and vacuum the sand up. Your friend will hug you, and say I support your decision, and it will never be spoken about again. But try that without carpet and what happens ‘I don’t get it, why did you vacuum your hard wood floors, isn’t it easier to use a broom, and oh my god YOU’RE PREGNANT, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GREAT MOM!!!!’ and now because the word ‘mom’ has been used you suddenly get all emotional and you end up raising a child, all cause you didn’t have carpet!!!!

That’s insane, a life long commitment because you had no carpet, oh my god. Get a carpet you psycho.

Also, and this is a true story – when a friend of mine was 15 he discovered my dad kept a wine collection under our house, and not realizing what was expensive and what wasn’t he stole a bottle worth over a thousand dollars, and not being able to hold his liquor but keen to try he drank the whole thing quickly, and I guess just for fun an hour or so later he vomited a thousand odd dollars of red wine all over another friend of ours brand new cream colored carpet, ruining it, in what may well have been the most expensive vomit of all time. And even though this story actually gives the impression that owning carpet could be costly, therefore undermining my very point, it may also explain to you why I may perhaps one day be arrested for vomiting on the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, because I want the title of ‘worlds most expensive spew’ god damn it, and I will do what ever it takes.

By the way, I feel like a lot more people would live forever if they could just figure out a way to stop dying. But I don’t think they will and personally I blame people who manufacture carpet for a living, because seriously what a boring profession to dedicate your life to. I mean honestly, ‘what do you want to do when you grow up’, ‘I want to manufacture carpet’ – this conversation should never ever take place, and if it does the second guy, the one who wants to manufacture carpet for a living, he should be introduced to various forms of entertainment immediately, because obviously so far he has never felt what it feels like to be entertained.

Damn it, that kind of undermined my argument too. How about this, reasons why having carpet is awesome –

  1. It is soft under your feet, which is nice and stuff
  2. If you invite people over to your house, and you don’t have very interesting art work on the walls or a nice view from the windows your guests will be able to say ‘I like your home, nice carpet’
  3. Carpet comes in a variety of styles and designs, that puts YOU in control, not your floor
  4. If you are prone to randomly fainting your less likely to crack your head open when you fall (unless you keep low tables all over the place, but really if you’re prone to fainting just don’t do this, it would be nuts)
  5. Door to door carpet cleaners are usually great conversationalists, because they do it all day, so they are well trained
  6. Some people refer to a ladies vaginal region by referencing carpet when the lady does not have vigilant grooming practices and when this comes up in conversation, perhaps in the bar or around a lively game of scrabble, you’ll be able to think of her vagina and think of your carpet at home, and just smile warmly
  7. Some men refer to their chest hair as their carpet, if they are like really hairy, which lets you know how hairy a guy is often before you have even seen him shirtless, and you know, as they say ‘knowledge is power’, which isn’t true because power is power not knowledge, you can even look that up in a dictionary under definitions of words, but still people say that, so it’ll be nice to have that knowledge
  8. If you are ever murdered the offenders hair and skin fragments are more likely to be found and DNA tested in a carpeted house, because carpet is a great magnet for hair and skin fragment, so straight up, carpet catches killers earlier in their killing career, which means carpet = life saving. Think about it, if the person the killer killed one before you had carpet, YOU might be ALIVE right now, oh my god, now don’t you want everyone to have carpet?
  9. If you ever get really, really hungry you can eat carpet, it won’t taste nice, be easy to eat, satisfy your hunger, or have any positive affect what so ever, but it’s nice to have options right?
  10. Even some poor people have carpet; do you really want those people to have something over you?
  11. If you have kids who spill drinks a lot when one of them starts drinking a drink while standing on the carpet you get the chance to yell ‘not on the carpet!'

Do you have a carpet, if not why the hell not?

Do you ever think 'dude humans eat salad & that’s like leaves what are we rabbits?' and then you realize, seriously dude your still saying dude?

When you get called the life of the party do you freak out, cause if you’re the 'life' what the hell are these other people, zombies, ghosts?

Do you ever go to a party, stand in the middle of the room, start eating a snickers bar and then go ‘mmm mmmmm mmmm this tastes so good it’s like there’s a party in my immediate surroundings’? Especially if the party is taking place on carpet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Obama has let me down.... BADLY

Because I haven’t been involved in a single orgy this year, NOT ONE!!!! Can you believe that?

I'm serious, not even one.

Which is of course weird as I am sure you all agree because Barrack Obama was supposed to be the new JFK so 2009 should have been the new 1969, we should have had a summer of love, we should have had a year of LSD and debauchery. Come on people. Obama has been in for ages already, let’s start the fucking. When we are at war (and you know environment and economy stuff) we need to show our support by fucking for no reason other than the fact that fucking is fun. (Does this count as a political blog? Cause I don't want to write those)(If this blog makes you question your political thinking please think of something else please)(back to the main point now)

New JFK = Orgies!!!! Surely

And I haven't been in a single orgy since Obama has been in (or ever for that matter Fuck you Bush and Clinton and even first Bush even though if I'd been in an Orgy when he was in I would have been getting raped by pedophiles) and their Aussie equivalents Howard and Rudd and the other one before Howard, whats his name, fuck you. Good leadership means people fucking girls with unshaven underarms, we ALL know that.

Now for something SHOCKING (capitals means its REALLY shocking) (same as in the title for this blog, it was BADLY (the way Obama let me down that is))

JFK wasn’t the president for the summer of love, it was Nixon!!!!!! That guy from that movie with Frosty the snow man or whatever.

We didn’t want the new JFK, we wanted the new Nixon!!!!!!

The lesson is get these orgies happening right now or the new Nixon is coming people, coming like a storming stampede of doing stuff that people will end up not liking but will still remember fondly cause of all the fucking they were doing.

By the way if you're a bi-curious girl too scared to take the leap, try getting oral sex from a guy with long hair and use a little imagination, oh wait, I have long hair, how fortuitous

I love looking at the bobbing top of a girls head, cause that means, you know, she's working it, down there, scrubbing the floor

True story: If you have a fetish for Japanese School Girls you are 72% more likely to develop a rare Malaysian genital fungi in old age, be careful while fucking please

And now some stuff I've drawn recently photographed in random spots in my room (you might need to go into my photos section so you can see them big enough to read - thats the full on top notch checking out my pictures experience)

Now I can't find the chord thingy to get photos from camera into my computer, damn it

Here we go (I'm actually writing this bit BEFORE I've found the chord, thats called optimism, hell yeah (it just took me three tries to spell called, and then I just spelled took talk and then spell spil, fuck me, plus I always am adamant that spelled is spelled spelt, what the hell is going on here)

Oh here is the cord (it was right next to me under a pillow) (see not all my thoughts are fucked in the head! I think)

This is not a photo of a drawing, but a photo of me!!!!! (grrrr)

Friday, January 1, 2010

First lessons of 2010 already learned

If you are going to spend a day working as a street mime in front of a musical festival don’t accidentally take an oestrogen pill instead of your morning vitamin. You will end up being way more emotional than usual and when people start calling you gay (and they will) you will break down into uncontrollable sobbing tears simultaneously making people hate you for being such an intense homophobic and also thinking you’re a pathetic little crying girl. This combination is of course known as the ‘Phiby Affect’ where by the sufferer will have a memory so horrible planted in his mind that one day it will manifest itself in said person giggling whenever anyone says the word ‘Phibyhuster’ and even though that’s not a real word, so it hardly ever gets said, the thought of giggling about it for no apparent reason is a hard burden to carry.

What do you mean why do I even keep oestrogen pills in my medicine cabinet? How is that your business?

Ok fine, well for a while I deeply feared that I would one day spontaneously start physically switching into a woman, and I figured if it started happening I would have the oestrogen ready to speed it up so I could deal with it as quickly as possible, ok? Are you happy? Of course also so I could play with my new boobies as soon as possible? Are you satisfied?

Also, if you, like me, find yourself visiting a leper colony early this year, please don’t say “I’d give an arm and leg to watch you guys play rugby” they don’t find it funny at all for some reason.

On the other hand if you want a really good time, and a great new years hang over cure, go to a your nearest mall, head into the food court at the busiest time they have, pull up a seat in the middle of the actively, and while making as much of a scene as you can, slowly open a can of dog food and begin eating it with a fork all the while moaning and groaning about how delicious your meal is. Now, and this is where it really gets fun, as soon as people clearly start looking a bit sick, suddenly yell out, ‘this is the best dog food I have ever eaten, YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE HORSE!!!!!’

I know what you’re thinking, there is a flaw in this plan, sometimes metal cans can be hard to open and create sharp edges which you can easily cut yourself on, and cutting yourself might severely dampen your hell yeah awesome fun. But not to worry, at your local kitchen appliance store you will find a myriad of fancy modern gadgets specifically designed for no more cuts while opening cans.

So have fun, it’s a guaranteed good time, you know, as long as you don’t mind eating the horse riddled dog food.