Monday, January 11, 2010

Tedium and magnesium

No time for comedy today :( :( :( going through the trying to get a US visa process again, its looking good but my god its tedious and painful.

Also I had to go to a meeting at the US consulate at 815am this morning, which for many is probably not that bad, but for me it was the equivalent of maybe 415am for regular souls which means my brain responds by not allowing me any sleep, not even the hint of a wink, I don't think my eyes even closed last night. I'm tired, boo.

Poor me, poor me, poor me (shut the fuck up Dave, its not that bad)

Ok, so in a big case of 'here is some I prepared earlier, here is a couple of random things (jokes) I wrote once:

When I am bored I like to buy a lipstick from a company which promises they don’t test their cosmetics on animals, and then I go ahead and stick it up a bunnies ass, because unlike some of these companies I believe in equality

When I’m bored I like to replace all the blocks of Monterrey jack cheese in my fridge with equal sized blocks of cheddar cheese, just to mess with my roommates minds. Unfortunately though I live alone, so I rarely cause the bewilderment I am seeking, although on a positive note I do really like cheese, and this way I get to eat twice as much

Even Stevens was a fucking liar, I know for a fact he once lost a dollar in a bet over who was the first person to ever arrogantly point out to a stranger in a bar that a peanut is actually a legume not a nut. Even my ass!

The irony of the arms race between Russia and the USA was that arms is actually short for 'armory', not 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium', even though far more people fear 'Armahugganburnahhangravenium' than 'armory', so suck it Gorbatrov

I put the word magnesium in in my title and now I feel an intense pressure to use it in the body of this blog, so here goes, I am going to try and write a joke about magnesium right as I write this, one so good that will blow your freaking minds and I am feeling the pressure now, so much so that this sentence I am writing right now is a clear attempt to stall in the hope that I can think of something funny about magnesium when all my brain is saying to me is 'magnesium almost rhymes with gymnasium, maybe you can do something with that?' (fuck off brain - that is a horrible suggestion). What the fuck is magnesium anyway? A metal? A chemical? Something on that periodic table thing? And why the fuck did it have to rhyme with tedium? And why is rhyming so on my mind right now? Fuck me, I'm hitting the dictionary, where all good joke writers go for material. (hell yeah, not - oh shit, Wayne's World bits Dave? You really are tired?)

Magnesium = a silver-white malleable ductile light metallic element that occurs abundantly in nature and is used in metallurgical and chemical processes, in photography, signaling, and pyrotechnics because of the intense white light it produces on burning, and in construction especially in the form of light alloys

Ok here goes, as I must go, so I need to write something here, ready, one - two - three

Do you ever find yourself trying to set off a pyrotechnical display to impress your lover, only to find out she is NOT turned on by intense white burning light coming out of your penis hole right at the moment of penetration? This is scientific proof that tedium can't be solved with magnesium!!!!!

Oh fuck hell yeah.

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