Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Sometimes when the heavens hand you a forsaking, and you decide out of spite to forsake the heavens right back, and therefore take things into your own hands and handle it yourself, the heavens double up their forsaking and make it so your hands have to get involved. And here was no exception.
So I vowed to use my hands whether the heavens liked it or NOT (turns out they DID like it, apparently they INVENTED hands, but that's not something I knew at the time).
I began working in swift earnest to complete my goal of having the manager seem good enough at his job to have him fired. So the first thing I did was pause to think, which I normally do by holding my breath and squeezing my nose with my fingers, which are on my hands.
I do this knowing the lack of oxygen will force my hand, and this is what happened again, my hand was forced to let go of my nose to stop me passing out, but this time my hand also went rogue and tried to poke me in the eyes, so I had to bite it, and while it was in my mouth being bitten by my teeth, which are right near my face, I spotted 'it', with my eyes, which are also near my face, and this 'it' was an ace up my sleeve (I'd later find out that the heavens also invented faces, wow, pretty impressive).
The ace was a type of card which strangely had an ace on it, and I spotted it poking out of my sleeve, and it reminded me that I'd been cheating at poker last week, which reminded me that I hadn't had a shower or change of clothes in a week, which reminded me that change is like a holiday, which reminded me of romantic beaches, which reminded me of romance, which reminded me of Romans, which reminded me of the coliseum, which reminded me of chariet races, and whenever I've personally been in an epic chariot race I like to cheat, and cheating reminded me of poker, which reminded me of an ace card, and this reminded me of things made of cardboard, which reminded me of beverage coasters, and more specifically that the beverage coasters in this particular restaurant were unique!
I clawed at the table. I couldn't see it due to my neck, but I still managed to grab a coaster, and I held it in my hand and up to my eyes to observe (eyes, incidentally, were NOT invented by the heavens, but I found that out the HARD way).
Now, I consider myself I pretty good observer, like one time I observed that I am great at observations. And another time I went to an observatory and discovered that they weren't good at observing me, so I stole a baby windmill from the garden, which let me observe that sometimes I mistake vital observation tower maneuvering technology for tiny windmills.
But that's still not all I've observed. Consider these things I've also observed over the years:
- A lady
- A cop
- A piece of pie
Pretty impressive right. So yep, I'm awesome at observations. I find that the KEY to observations is to use more than just your eyes. I recommend observing with EACH of your senses. Consider the observations above, well there was more to each of those that I would not have seen with just my eyes, for example:
- The lady SEEMED like a casual, pretty, normal, calm lady, while I observed her with my eyes, but after observing her with my nose, ears, fingers and mouth I discovered she was irate, angry, volatile and borderline violent.
- The cop, SEEMED like he was minding his own business, and uninterested in his immediate surroundings when I observed him with my eyes, but when I added the rest of my senses I discovered him to be aggressive, vocal, handcuffy, and willing to arrest just about anyone.
- The pie didn't just look good, it felt, smelled, tasted and even sounded good, sounding almost like my friend Kev, and as if he was yelling 'ah man, that was mine you dick! Oh hey, but there's um, a lady I think you should meet, she's down the street standing right next to a cop'.
And here in this restaurant, NOW, once again my skills of observation were strong, and I observed myself making an observation that to a casual observer would seem remarkable, but to me was merely a second ace up my sleeve, making my sleeve crowded, forcing me to free the Spring Footed Yellow Crowned Silverfish I had hidden there, but it was worth it, because, yep, I observed that - the beverage coasters in this restaurant were peculiarly, yet specifically, shaped like the small Icelandic Island of Krejuik, an island which is an island that is particularly known for its peculiar specificity, due to its spookily unnatural utterly perfect roundness!
This was it, THE 'it' as mentioned earlier, and this 'it' was a BIG it, and NOW that I'd seen it I knew exactly what I had to do to finish the job I'd set out to do. But more than that I knew that I'd know exactly when I'd achieved it, because I promised to observe the entire thing.
*To be continued, but not for much longer, because when I know how to attack* a problem I attack BIG, and NOW!
*Like the time I was under attack by a swarm of bees and I stopped to think about what to do, and somehow despite getting stung in hundreds of places and passing out, I miraculously didn't get a single sting up my nose*!
*A body part invented in a rare act of cooperation between the heavens and a guy named Luke. Can you believe it? Strange right? Someone would actually name a kid 'Luke'! Some people are so weird.