Sunday, May 27, 2012

Losing our virginity... EVERYWHERE

One of my all time dreams has been to host my own travel show. Two years ago in an effort to make that dream come true I made my own mini-pilot with my awesome friend Faith. This is it! Now who owns a TV network and has a spare time slot rolling around?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Don't (re) see ‘The Dictator’ till you read this.

Twenty odd years ago when I was timorous teenage boy in the backwards of Sydney Australia, I formed a crush on cute red head soap opera star named Isla Fisher.

A few years later the internet was invented and I, while doing research into why I constantly needed to apply medicated creams to my body, discovered an interview Isla had granted some lucky journalist, where she spoke of losing her virginity at a mere sixteen years old, saying:

'I was going to break up with my boyfriend but I realized I hadn't had sex yet, so I slept with him and then dumped him.'

My infatuation with her was lost that day - like a favorite Band-Aid that I forgot to glue on before going for a swim. For you see I was no longer convinced it would be me who took her virginity and seeing as at the time I was positive I would share my virginity only with someone sharing hers with me, I sadly, was forced to form unrealistic crushes on other teenage celebrities that I wrongly thought may still be virgins.

However, I was but only one of the boy affected by her story. That boy who was given her amazing orange haired rose was also affected, and he became extremely paranoid about his sexual performance after that day:  

'She gave me her virginity, the most wonderful gift a girl can give a boy, so obviously she loved me, so how bad must I have been to be dumped right after?' he began mumbling on trains, and in math class at school.

One boy who was not affected by her story was a man named Sasha Baron Cohen. Having never been a teenage boy in Australia he never formed a crush on her only to have his dream of sharing his virginity with her destroyed by one bad interview and the invention of the Internet, and one day he met the gorgeous Isla at the annual ‘we are not American but one day will be famous in America party’ that Elton John throws every year in London and he was immediately infatuated with her.

‘I will do anything to share my virginity with her' he declared, and he set off on a worldwide journey to discover what she liked. Worldwide being the distance the boat then took as the only way to get to Australia where Isla was from. ‘Worldwide cruises’ was the name of the cruise line, and they also stopped occasionally in Tahiti.

Sasha, having spent three fruitless years in Tahiti finding out practically nothing about Isla (other than her preference for Pinna Coladas over being thrown in active volcano’s), continued his journey to Australia. Upon de-shipping he made several puns about the irony of him exploring Islands to find out about Isla, and discovering many Australian’s responded with ‘I don’t get it’ he decided on a new plan, to track down Islas exes to see if he was anything like them.

After much research, and one notable attempt for laughs in an Internet café by yelling ‘research, more like reSURF’ he finally tracked down one of Isla’s exes, now residing in a mental institution, having descended from mumbling about Isla into a multiple personality schizophrenic. Sasha declared that day that he would become as much like this man as possible in hope that by doing so he could win Isla’s hand.

He did mountains of LSD and smoked all the marijuana he could get his hands on, and sure enough various personalities began springing forth, and he did win Islas hand in marriage.

What he didn't expect though, was that documentary filmmakers would begin following him around and releasing documentaries on his various personalities, the best of which were called Borat and Bruno.

Things were going great for Sasha; he was now a movie star and married to a beautiful Australian red headed soap opera star, who now bore him two children. Then one day, while looking up pictures of his wife on the Internet, he ran into one of the earliest pages of the Internet, where an old interview Isla had done was still stored, it’s pages yellow with age.

'I though we were going to share our virginities!' he screamed at her as he read it.
'We have two children together' she replied 'so probably not, just let it go, I don’t want you to end up with multiple-personalities like my old boyfriend'

But Sasha couldn't let it go ‘don’t tell me not to form multiple personalities’ he yelled at her ‘and besides I thought that was why you fell in love with me!’

His mind didn’t know how to deal with this betrayal, and a new personality did grow out of him - a Muslim dictator in fact, sure to be rewarded with seventy-two virgin Australian red head soap stars in heaven'

The documentarians were ecstatic of course, and they stood gleefully by filming as he shot people, had sex with famous women, cried about having no one to cuddle with, even though later on we’d find out he had a plethora of options for cuddle companions, and even injured small boys.

The resulting documentary ‘The Dictator’ is at times hilarious, at times not so much, and leaves the audience pondering life’s big questions. Such as:

-       Were all men in mental institutions dumped immediately after taking Isla Fisher’s virginity?
-       If a cute Australian red head soap star offered her virginity to me would it be worth it for the schizophrenia? And
-       Would I ever even want to be a huge movie star if I never got to share my virginity with Isla Fisher?

If you answer:
-       Only 29%
-       Yes and
-       No

Then you will love this film.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Exclusive: How the entire world is in danger!

 This is a matter of critical importance, the entire world and all of its peoples and animals is at immediate risk!

Ok, so often times when I go to use a public toilet I discover that the previous occupier has left the toilet un-flushed, and YET, when I go to use the flush it works fine!

Clearly this means that in the time between the previous user and myself the flush mechanism has SELF-REPAIRED itself! (If this wasn’t such a serious blog I might even say ‘self-repairs itself silly).

But this IS a serious blog because sometimes this remarkable ability to self-repair can be performed in seconds! Yes, sometimes a man will exit the toilet cubicle just as I am about to enter, and in the mere time it has taken for us to switch places the flush mechanism looks, acts and performs as if it was never even injured, let alone not working at all!

Some important questions must be asked here:

Self-repair? What on earth has the ability to self-repair? And

Why doesn't my home toilet ever self-repair when broken?

The alarming answers are:

Living things! That's what. And

Clearly your home toilets are different from public ones!

That's right, based on this irrefutable evidence public toilets are obviously living things!

And worse, seeing as no such animal on earth has anything like these toilets hard porcelain mouths, thirst for water, rapid healing speeds or ability to mimic common household toilets they must be alien!


These aren’t your normal run of the mill aliens that become, say, computer stealing crack addicts, these aliens are highly intelligent, able to infiltrate public bathrooms around the world, and manipulate building managers into thinking they have ordered and installed regular toilets.

That's not all, these aliens have managed to tap into the human psyche allowing the cynical among us to contemplate the existence of fellow humans who are so lazy and disgusting that they think their fellow man should have to look and smell their urine and feces!

'Fuck you aliens! I would NEVER think my fellow man could be that lazy and disgusting!' is what we should all be screaming. But sadly I think some people actually believe such lazy disgusting humans may exist. Well open your eyes people.

Consider this - sometimes you will find a toilet seat covered in urine - clear PROOF that the previous user of the toilet found the toilet seat locked into the down position. Obviously. Only thing is that when you test this out the toilet seat now lifts easily! Obviously this is an amazingly remarkable alien skill in itself, but it comes with the added psychological bent of not merely pitting man vs man, but man vs woman. Sometimes even affecting relationships!

Well I for one will not just stand idly by waiting for the people of earth to become so occupied with alien manipulated infighting that the aliens can launch a sneak all out assault!

I say call the cops, get the FBI on this, the X-file people, Interpol or anyone you know, and next time you encounter one of these 'broken' toilets, don't just leave your piss and shit for me to discover - come out and let everyone know THAT’S NOT A TOILET IT’S AN ALIEN - RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

I am sorry to have to fill you with such fear, but these aliens are camped around the world, concentrating mostly in well built up regions and almost ignoring rural regions. Their plan must be to hit the cities, yet still, please don't worry too much, for I believe I have spotted a weakness.

In my personal toilet use, which is quite frequent as I consume enormous amounts of soda and also have a shy bladder when it comes to urinals, I encounter an alien toilet that has self repaired itself since its last user approximately 93% of the time. A huge percentage. Yet…

I almost NEVER encounter a toilet CURRENTLY in the broken flush or locked seat positions, at most, maybe 0.0001% of the time. This is an astronomical anomaly.

Based on my experiences I can confidently say that clearly the leader of the aliens has sent a direct order - 'if you suspect the human is suspicious then act normal'

So I say spread the word. Act suspicious. If you encounter a toilet that doesn’t seem to have a lifting seat or working flush, don’t just leave your filth behind for the next person to find, talk to it. ‘I’m on to you, you alien beast, self-repair now or I’ll kick you’ seems to work.

If everyone gets on board there may still be hope for the human race! Then perhaps we can take the time to learn from the aliens, and perhaps steal their self-repair skills for ourselves to be used for good – like, you know, with fixing broken vending machines or something vital like that. I mean sometimes I just want a soda something silly and I can’t get one, and that’s just the sort of problem that may become critical one day!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Victim mentality

As some of you may know my hotel room was burgled the other day. I don't want to dwell on the negatives though, where is the fun in that? So instead here is a list of the awesomely great things about being robbed:

- My stolen laptop had around 17 unpublished books I've written which will now be exposed to a potential new fan.
- Travel insurance will, I hope, pay for a new one which, I hope, won't be anywhere near as slow as my old one, which is the same thing I regretted hoping last time I got a new laptop.
- That was three uses of hope in one sentence and according to ‘Shawshank Redemption’ 'hope is the best of things'
- The people who did it may OD on the crack they buy with the cash they stole! I hope.
- That’s mean Tim Robbins.
- I've officially been screwed by a 'Hilton' if people want to assume 'Paris' they can.
- The cops accused me of having hookers in my room who then decided to target me - yep, that's right, Toronto cops think I've gotten laid recently!
- My camera stored old photos of my heavily bruised butt - yep I'll soon be an Internet star!
- It was probably an inside job by Hilton employees, so they're going to give me some shit, um, right? Maybe a photo of Paris Hilton’s bruised butt?
- The cops were disgraceful - finally confirming a theory I have - 'some cops are disgraceful'
- I also have a theory that careers always take off immediately after being the victim of a crime - hell yeah!
- Sympathy hugs.
- Any crazy tweets and Facebook updates I do this week can be blamed on another person.
- My new hotel includes breakfast - bacon!
- Um lots and lots of sympathy hugs, I hope.

Wow, don’t you just wish you were robbed this week? If you say no it’s a sign that you are secretly planning on robbing Tim Robbins.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Don't (re) see Avengers till you read this

Here is the first of what may become an Ok, Intriguing regular feature – a review! This one is of a little indie drama called the Avengers. (No spoilers necessary).

The Avengers

Ok, so there is bad man and he is in Germany and in his possession is a little blue box. Samuel L Jackson doesn’t like this at all. He is all like 'blue? BLUE? I had a PURPLE light saber in star wars, so clearly that's a way cooler color than stupid blue!'

He is pissed off man, super pissed, so he calls up all his best friends who all happen to be super badass in some way. These friends include:

The Hulk
Captain America
Captain Cave Man
Black Spider
Alan Alda
Iron Man
The hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’
Donald Trump
The Ghost Busters
Thor and
Scarlet Johansson’s boobs

Samuel L assembles them all into a room and says - 'We must get this box from this bad dude in Germany, it's blue man, BLUE! And no way is that as cool as purple’.

At first all the men don’t want to work as a team, seems when the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and Scarlet Johansson’s boobs are in the room men feel the need to jockey for power in efforts to prove their masculinity. What starts out as mere fisticuffs descends into chaos, before we know it all hell breaks loose!

Captain America is all like 'I'm captain America, let Captain Germany deal with it.'
Donald Trump claims he's way richer than he really is.
The Hulk refuses to say his catch phrase even once.
Alan Alda says 'count me out, in my experience wars seem to go for a long, long time'
Captain Cave Man yells 'you promoted someone else to captain without so much as a phone call? Suck my hairy balls!'
Black Spider is saying ‘Oh, the “human race” is in danger, what about the “huwoman race?” don’t they matter too?’
The Ghost Busters are all like 'we won't do it without Bill Murray and he hasn't agreed on a script yet'
Thor says 'I already scored Natalie Portman, there is nothing left to gain'
Iron Man is super confused ‘If Donald Trump is here, then who am I?’

Things are not looking good. The bad man in Germany looks like he may just be able to enjoy his blue box all on his own. But then, when all looks lost, two voices in perfect harmony rise above the squalor 'listen to us, just do it alright' it is scarlet Johansson’s boobs, and everyone immediately falls in line, and they vow to Avenge that blue box, even if Alan Alda fights for the bad guys for a while. 

From there on out it's actually pretty badass, I’d almost go as far as to say ‘awesome’ and I normally don't like these types of movies.

Final notes: Surprisingly The Hulk is easily the best character, the guy from ‘Goodwill Hunting’ had a better role in ‘Goodwill Hunting’ and the hot girl from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ should have shown more skin.

On the brand new Daverview Scale I give it a 9 out of 13

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Avenge this! Bitches…..

That movie The Avengers is breaking all sorts of records, such as:

- Most money on opening weekend earned from people
- Most maniacal laughter let out by a studio head
- Most calls from Scarlett Johansson to her ex-husband Ryan Reynolds gloating that ‘THAT’s how to make a superhero movie!’
-  Most awful future movies getting green lit based on the performance of this movie that will fail in the future only to have studio heads go ‘what’s the deal?’
- Most nerds saying ‘the deal is Scarlet Johansson’s boobs jerk, why would anyone want to see Ryan Reynolds in green lycra?’
- Most times Ryan Reynolds points out he is still getting plenty of beautiful women, so there!

Of course the biggest thing that people SHOULD be talking about is the super hero MISSING from the posters! Yes, the super hero I created fifteen years ago and barely anyone has ever heard about IS NOT ONE OF THE STARS OF THE AVENGERS!

His name is ‘Explosion Man’ and here is episode one (please note the drawing representations of this episode are in a box in my storage room half way around the world in Sydney and I have lost the storage room key, but I am sure your imagination can draw in the visuals yourself).

Panel One: We open on Explosion Man and his Sidekick Cum Boy in their lair that is shaped like a giant pile of poo, looking at a television which is also a pile of poo

Cum Boy: Oh no Explosion Man, teenage hooligans have cleaned the park!

Explosion Man: This is a job for explosion man!

Panel Two: Explosion Man flies to the park, Cum Boy runs along the ground trying to keep up

Cum Boy: (Breathing heavy) I’m coming, I’m coming

Explosion Man: Not yet Cum boy, we’re not at the park yet, and the park has been cleaned by teenage hooligans, so keep up, they need us!

Panel Three: At the Park

Cum Boy: Ewwww gross, it’s so clean!

Explosion Man: Look at the sparkles! It’s sickening! BUT I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

Panel Four: Explosion man bends over and does explosive diarrhea everywhere!

Panel Five: Kids standing by 'yaaaaaay' 'thanks Explosion Man!'

Panel Six: Explosion man and Cum Boy stand in a beautiful diarrhea covered park.

Explosion Man: Once again the world is covered in beautiful shit as it is supposed to, but for how long.

Cum Boy: I don’t know, but hopefully long enough for me to cum!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

In the next edition of Explosion Man, Explosion Man meets his ultimate foe - Mary Maid, Cum Boy finally learns to harness his powers into the ability to fly and those teenage hooligans keep cleaning stuff! Will Explosion Man have enough explosive diarrhea for it all? We can only hope.


Yay. And Explosion Man is NOT one of the stars of The Avengers. What the hell?

And now my review of Avengers origin movie – Thor: The Dude with the Hammer.

 In the opening scenes Thor is an arrogant dickhead and I really wanted him dead!

Then Thor gets banished to earth where he loses his powers and he becomes an arrogant dickhead who is also now a moron and I really want him dead!

Then I fell asleep for an hour or so and when I woke up I become aware that whatever has happened in the last hour is supposed to make me want Thor to get his powers back AND score with Natalie Portman. I disagree with the filmmakers on these points so intensely I now want them dead!

Coming Soon (perhaps tomorrow, depending if the laundry room in this hotel is free next time I go check, something about thinking about Explosion Man is making me want access to clean underwear) I will give my review of The Avengers - here is hoping for at least a cameo for Explosion Man (but not Cum Boy, he’s gross).

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Love – an instructional video - transcript

(Look directly into camera one. Big smile with lots of teeth. If you haven’t flossed quickly go do it now)

“Hello lovers, lovers of lovers, lovers of the loveless, and perverts. Thanks for purchasing this video. By the time you have reached the end of this video, assuming that you complete all of the exercises, you will be in love. Congratulations!”

(Sell final sentence with a performance of a mild fist pump)

“First off let me say that I understand your pain”.

(Frown to prove it, if you can squeeze out a tear)

“And no, I am not suggesting that you have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta, although if you have then I do not understand your pain, and this is not the video for you”.

(If you still have a tear on your cheek swipe it away now, don’t make it too obvious, you don’t want to have your tears connected to love video’s competition)

“I recommend you return this video and ask for ‘I have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta Volumes 1 through 7’ or else the competing videos ‘Show me where John Travolta touched you the box set’”

(Turn to Camera two, look alluring, we’re back to selling your video now, sell it damn it, sell it)

“In my line of business I hear all sorts of complaints from those who do not know how to love and/or be loved. The most regular complaint is of course:

‘He/she doesn’t always understand what I want!’

I asked my patients how they would typically respond to this complaint, and the answers were enlightening:

-       If he doesn't respond I'll volunteer him.
-       Sounds like a lot of walking!
-       Oh lord, need another glass of wine....
-       Fire pit? You mean the portal to hell that my ex-girlfriend has? Yes, that's a given.
-       Quesadillas, definitely quesadillas
-       Okay, I'll do the required work for putting people in the stretchers - but if they go over the required weight limit, I want hazard pay. Just saying...
-       You mean the garage around the corner? Prime property your uncle has.
-       Hmmm, me thinks I may have some teaching to give
-       Oh! Mars bars are like a religion, and they fried it!!! Where is the decency, honour???? Lordy, lordy, lordy!”

(Turn back to camera one, you have just proven how much wisdom your patients have earned, the audience is yours, look proud and confident)

“Yes, if you do the following three exercises you will also have this much insight!”

(Big smile, yeah right as if you need to be TOLD to smile now)

The exercises are:

1.     " Dual use "

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. Roll around in dirt, and then go up to a table of strangers in a top class restaurant and ask them if they would like any peanuts, when they look at you funny yell  “Wait, I getting minimum wage for this?” As the security begins to drag you away scream relentlessly “The location "was" secret. Now we have to move. Damn You, Damn you to Hell”

Now you know how to be spontaneous.

     2. "Stretcher Fetcher"

Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. About two hours ago there was a man in front of a diner covered in blood screaming at the 'coward' who had just punched him in the face.

Find that diner, they have great desserts.

Eat one of them.

You now understand how to be a sweety.

3. “Your position sound alright?”

Some people find this the easiest challenge. They’re idiots it’s actually super hard.

Simply volunteer at your uncle's sweatshop for prospect work. If your uncle doesn’t currently own or run a sweatshop then you need to ask yourself the following questions

-       Did my grandparents fuck up somewhere?
-       Do we need someone to volunteer to 'put' people in stretchers?
-       Did we find the atmosphere required?
-       Yeah yeah...that's the ticket?
-       Can I play with someone's cool brother one day?
-       Exit stage right?Bottom of
-       Can we hire someone to patrol the roads for protein?
-       Can't we have irons without the fire pit, you know the little buggers are going to want to use their new toys?
-       Do those come with two plates for convenience?
-       What's Duck Dynasty? I must know more!
-       That's when they will be trying to get inside the armour?

If you answered yes to the majority of the questions then your uncle has now started a sweatshop. If you answered no to the majority of questions then start one yourself you lazy bastard. If you answered yes to around half of the questions and no to around half the questions then clearly you don’t have an uncle so of course you have to start the sweatshop yourself. Regardless you now work for a sweatshop – awesome! This could be HUGE!

Now watch how your four and five year old slaves respond to your "valued work space!” They enjoy it don’t they?

You now understand the value of handwork”.

(Look wherever you want, the viewers aren’t watching anymore, they’re too busy looking into their new lover’s eyes).


(You’re going to have keep yelling as they are distracted by their lovers, but you really do need to sum up, still don’t look frustrated, just smile cheekily, like as if you’re happy for them)

“Yes, I know. Learn to be Spontaneous, to be sweet and the value of hard work, and then lovers will just flock to you.  And assuming you completed the above challenges in their full you are now in love. Awwwwww. Tell us about him or her? Do they have a younger sister? Hook me up you bastards, I helped you!

(Careful not to allow jealousy to come into it, they don’t know about the flaw yet)

“One last thing, regardless of whether you consider this to be the best video you have ever watched or something better than this, you must never, ever, ever read the transcript of this video, if you know the secrets of the manipulations the host performs then you’ll never find love. Your host (that’s you), by agreeing to participate in the making of this video, has now destined him or herself to an inability to ever find love.

Wait. What? I’m not reading that?

What do you mean it’s too late? You said I’d be home by midnight.

Fuck you!

No, I will not finish.

I am going to call the cops on you

Yes they will help, and if they don’t I’ll call the FBI, homeland security, the CIA whoever it takes! There is going to be a manhunt out for you, you bastards.

Put that gun down, please, please I am begging you

Please, please

No don’t sick John Travolta on me, point the gun back on me, I’m begging you”


End Tape.