Monday, May 14, 2012

Victim mentality

As some of you may know my hotel room was burgled the other day. I don't want to dwell on the negatives though, where is the fun in that? So instead here is a list of the awesomely great things about being robbed:

- My stolen laptop had around 17 unpublished books I've written which will now be exposed to a potential new fan.
- Travel insurance will, I hope, pay for a new one which, I hope, won't be anywhere near as slow as my old one, which is the same thing I regretted hoping last time I got a new laptop.
- That was three uses of hope in one sentence and according to ‘Shawshank Redemption’ 'hope is the best of things'
- The people who did it may OD on the crack they buy with the cash they stole! I hope.
- That’s mean Tim Robbins.
- I've officially been screwed by a 'Hilton' if people want to assume 'Paris' they can.
- The cops accused me of having hookers in my room who then decided to target me - yep, that's right, Toronto cops think I've gotten laid recently!
- My camera stored old photos of my heavily bruised butt - yep I'll soon be an Internet star!
- It was probably an inside job by Hilton employees, so they're going to give me some shit, um, right? Maybe a photo of Paris Hilton’s bruised butt?
- The cops were disgraceful - finally confirming a theory I have - 'some cops are disgraceful'
- I also have a theory that careers always take off immediately after being the victim of a crime - hell yeah!
- Sympathy hugs.
- Any crazy tweets and Facebook updates I do this week can be blamed on another person.
- My new hotel includes breakfast - bacon!
- Um lots and lots of sympathy hugs, I hope.

Wow, don’t you just wish you were robbed this week? If you say no it’s a sign that you are secretly planning on robbing Tim Robbins.

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