Sunday, November 29, 2015

Rising high!

You know what would be ace? Like really ace? Being a builder! And I'll tell you why, if you become a builder, and work on building things such as buildings, one day you could purposely build a house with a flaw in the floor, and then you'd get to have this experience:

Two people, standing looking at the floor, one of them looks like a builder, because he or she IS a builder, and that builder is YOU! 

'So I see what's going on here, seems you have a flaw' says the builder, and remember this is YOU! How ace is that. 
'Of course it's a fucking floor' says the other person, this is NOT you, it can't be, because you're the builder, which is the other person, how ace does that sound?
'Did you not want a flaw?' Says the builder, which again, is you, wow, you're really doing it, this isn't just a job anymore, it's who you are! 
'Of course I wanted a fucking floor!' Says the other person, wow, they're cranky, they should have become a builder, then, like you, they'd be ace.
'So... You wanted a flaw?' You could confirm, wow, confirming has the word 'firm' in it, that's just like your handshake, at least your new handshake after your hands have gotten all strong from building stuff, stuff like buildings, because you're now a builder! 
'It's a twelve story building, I wanted a lot of fucking floors!' Says cranky pants, if you have a lolly you should consider giving it to him. But you don't because you're a builder, why would a builder have a lolly? So instead you say...
'Woah woah woah, I'm a professional builder here, I may make the odd flaw, but I sure as hell don't make a lot of flaws' wow, remember that time in your old job, when you spent half a day thinking of a way to convince Janette at reception to eat her lunch in the park so you could fill her desk drawers with shaving cream, and your boss caught you and said 'that's so unprofessional? Well hey that boss, suck on this, you just called YOURSELF professional! How'd did you turn your life around? Easy, you became a builder! It's so ace.
'Well I hate to tell you buddy, but you've built fucking floors on every level' oh cranky face, cheer up, just because you're not a builder doesn't mean you HAVE to be cranky.
'You take that back, I built one flaw, and that was intentional, but I did not put flaws on every level' look at you, defending your work and standards of excellence, it's so ace what you've become, and in sport defense is the best way to defend stuff, other than attack, you're winning the game! 
'Well what the fuck are we standing on, looks like a floor to me' now he's getting it, he's seen what you wanted him to see, about time, it's been right in front of him the whole time.
'Exactly, there's a flaw right there' wow, that's direct to the point, remember when your mother told you it was rude to point, well now that kid with the giant birthmark on his tongue, that made it impossible to fit in his mouth, rendering him a constant panter, is no longer allowed to cry, because you're pointing for good! 
'And you're telling me that if we stood in this same fucking spot one level up there wouldn't be a floor?' What a cranky idiot, you've just pointed at the flaw, and now he wants to go look at a floor? 
'Exactly, no flaws up there' you say, and how ace, you've used the word 'no' for good, take that the guy who stole your car even though you said 'no' he couldn't have it. 

Cut to two minutes later in the same spot one level up, two people are standing looking at the floor, one of them is a builder, and that one is you! How ace. 

'Alright, so you're telling me that's not a fucking floor?' Says crank head, this is a perfect floor, why would it have a flaw. 
'Absolutely, not a hint of a flaw there' hint is a fun word to say, consider these three fun sentences 1. 'I'll give you a hint, it's not glue' 2. 'I'd like to by a hint please, oh wait, are they're pronounced hint or hornet?' 3. 'Hint hint, wink wink'. Wow, now you're using words that could get someone something devoid of glue, you're getting a hornet and you're even allowing people to say things they could physically do instead! Yay. 
'So if it's not a floor then what fucking is it?' This cranky tits sure is dumb.
'It's just a floor, are you a moron?' Ace, you called someone a moron, a moron would never be able to spot a moron, that means you're not a moron! And how could you have been, because you're a builder! 

Next you'd get to see someone rip out there own hair, kick over a bucket, then head butt a wall, which would hurt, cause it's a strong wall, there's no flaw in the wall. 

So there you go, become a builder, and specifically a builder who builds things like buildings. As far as I can tell there are only three flaws in this plan:

1. You'd have to pretend you'd never heard of the 'who's on first' comedy routine.
2. You'd have to build stuff, which looks hard.
3. You might have someone tell you these flaws, then due to an easy to mistake language confusion, you may try and stand on this list, almost certainly causing you to fall to your death. 

But other than that it's nothing but awesome stuff, how ace! But now also consider this, if you choose NOT to become a builder, you probably have a lolly, it's the world's best win-win! 

I well carry you



Well I’ll tell you this - people, that is people that matter; by which I mean people who know me, well they know stuff about me. And one of those stuffs is that I do not use forklifts very often. Not very often AT ALL!

In fact I barely use forklifts more than eight or nine times a month, maybe ten during mating season. But if you need more evidence of this fact, just to satisfy your own personal standard for truth sourcing, consider this conversation:

Bill – Well I know Dave very well, and I can attest to this forklift stat.
Dave - Well I wouldn't say very well, we're acquaintances, see each other maybe four or five times a year?
Bill - Well ok, but we know each other well enough for me to come onto your blog.
Dave - Well I should point out, to both you Bill, and the readers, that you just barged into this blog without an invite.
Bill – Well yeah, to help you out.
Dave - Well, more like for an opportunity to use the word 'attest', and while it was complimentary, or supportive at least, the readers may not know, but you and I both know, that 'attest' is a word you enjoy using, and often times will use it even when it is not pertinent to the point, like during your wedding vows.
Bill - Well I disagree, ‘attest’ was perfectly pertinent during my wedding vows!
Dave - Well let me remind you, you said, and I quote, 'I can attest to my wife's, wait is she my wife yet, no she isn't, um, fuck, I can attest to what this lady here just said, I attest all fucking over it'.
Bill - Well yeah, and I could, I DID, I was backing up her vows, those bad boys deserved attesting.
Dave – Well, but that's not normal.
Bill – Well um, she said in sickness and in health, I get sick ALL THE TIME, and that’s not normal, and she still hangs out with me, and even hands my tissues and stuff, so I was backing her up.
Dave - Well um no, you were sneaking the word fucking 'attest' in because you love saying 'attest', that was your motivation, the rest, while possibly pertinent, is not relevant!
Bill - Well how about this, if I were saying 'attest' about you the 'f' wouldn't be silent!
Dave – Well, fuck you, and that only really works in a written form, I mean when said out loud those two words aren't UN-rhyming, but you'd have to say one weird, where as in a written form it's a solid, if not steal firm, burn, and this IS a written form, so well done you.
Bill - Well I can definitely attest to that!
Dave - Ha ha, I see what you did there.
Bill - No no no, this is a written form, you READ what I did there!
Dave - ha ha!
Bill - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Dave - HA HA HA HA AAAAGHHA AHHHHHAAAAGHA!
Bill – Ha…. Ha…. HHHHHHAAAAGGHHHHG!
Dave – H.h.h.h.h.h..hHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Bill – Hooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooouugghhhh ha haha!
Dave – Huuuuuaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ahahhhhhahhhahhshhhhhhghh ha ha HA HA HA!
Bill - I feel like during this epic laughter we've forgotten something about some element of our speech pattern that we had going?
Dave – Well, you may be right, but well shoot, we can't well remember it now can we? Ahhhh well.

So I think based on this conversation between my good acquaintance Bill and I, you can see for sure that the use of forklifts is not something that dominates my life, at least in any significant way, except maybe during mating season.

That's why I hope, nay need, for you to believe the issue I am about to raise is not being raised here out of a personal need, or even a desire, but out of pure heartfelt need, and desire, for a sad story to come to an end, preferably with less sadness than currently is at play.

Every year more and more families find that their giant industrial sized drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils drawers are missing items. That is the cutlery and other kitchen utensils are drivable, not the drawers themselves, because that would be stupid, why would a drawer drive? It's job is to have shit in it, how would getting somewhere else help. So yeah, the cutlery and other kitchen utensils are lacking, not the drawer, we're not talking stupid stuff here today, this story is too sad.

Yes, these family’s drawers sure do have lots of forklifts. Yet the other slots in the separator thingy are empty. That's right, there are blank slots where the should be the following:

- Spoonlifts
- Knifeliftz
- Saladtonglifts
- Bottleopenerlifts
- Garlicpresslifts
- Spatularlifts
- Melonballinglifts
- Chopsticklifts
- Potatopeelerlifts
- Cheesegraterlifts and even....
- Cigarettelighterswhichareactuallysupposedtogoonedrawdownbutwereputherebyalazypricklifts 



And these are poor families that live in tiny homes, sometimes sleeping four or five kids per closet, while their ginormous industrial sized drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils drawers are mostly empty. And again, it's the cutlery and other kitchen utensils that are drivable, not the drawers, as that would be stupid,  and we're not doing stupid here today. Not even a hint of it.

Why is this sadness going on? Because drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils of types other than forks have not yet been invented yet! (Well there are giant knives, but Knights keep stealing them to fight dragons, and they sell the drivable parts to Witches to attach to their brooms to make THEM drivable. But why not a drivable olive-oil brush you motherfuckers!!! Or ‘Abrushlifts’?)

So this holiday season, don't FEED needy people, be nice instead, and invent drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensil lifts, if you need more proof this is a smart idea consider this conversation:

Bill - Well that's actually a really dumb idea Dave, if someone makes a giant drivable cheese grater, or a Cheesegraterlift, they'll use it to grate things other than cheese you know, like people's elbows when they take up too much of their share of the shared arm rest, or people who make bird noises to get your attention, or even people who go 'ahhhhh' when they're peeing in public bathrooms, um, wait a second, they'll grate THOSE people? This is a GENIUS idea!
Dave - Well it sure is Bill.
Bill - HA HA
Dave - HA HA HA HA HA HA
Bill - HA HA AGGHAAHAHAHAHA
Dave – Ha aha aha haha haha ha
Bill - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Dave - HA HA HA HA AAAAGHHA AHHHHHAAAAGHA!
Bill – Ha…. Ha…. HHHHHHAAAAGGHHHHG!
Dave – H.h.h.h.h.h..hHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Bill – Hooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooouugghhhh ha haha!
DAVE - Ahhhhh, well.
Bill - Well.
Dave - Well said.
Bill – I can attest to that.