Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My famous annual last minute Halloween costume advice is here!

Exciting news everyone, super exciting really, and no I don’t mean ‘super’ like superman, because this is super in that it’s super exciting in regard to this years Halloween! Something Superman has NOTHING to do with.  

If you don’t have your costume ready this year, then it’s not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, most awesomenessous, hottest, and sexiest costume out there, something way better than some lame super hero costume, like Superman. That guy is a superloser if you ask me.  

Wait, if they are all ‘super’ heroes, and yet only one of them has the word ‘super’ in his name, shouldn’t he automatically be considered the definitive super hero? If I wanted to be the ultimate warrior, I’d simply rename myself ‘Ultimate Dave’ and the title would be mine. If I wanted to the most splendid yack trainer in all of the major Himalayan yack racing leagues, I’d just rename myself ‘Splendid Yack Dave’ and not a single member of the current yack training advisory board would question me for a minute. If I wanted to be King of Great Britain, I’d simply casually and covertly murder the current 7, 234, 932 people who are in front of me in the natural line of succession to the throne and it would be mine. Wait sorry, 7, 234, 931, I was just given notification that Clive Handler just passed away, apparently in suspicious circumstances, but I swear I had nothing to do with it. I wouldn’t write about it and then do it on the same day, I’m not an idiot, plus just above there I used the word ‘covertly’ which was a very clever use of language, so I am clearly too smart to make a mistake like that. Plus this very brilliantly and clearly written paragraph gave away a flawless plan on how to easily become the definitive leader in any chosen field you may choose, so boom, I rest my case, I did not murder Clive.

I’m getting off track. The point is, that if you want to have an awesome costume for this years Halloween, and you’ve left it to the last minute, then I have you covered. Right now, right here, I am giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull off what will surely be the best costume of any party, fair, parade, or vigilante mission you attend this year, and pull it off with such specific perfection that people will be so epically impressed that they’ll be gushing, and singing awesome praise by saying things like 'so yeah, um wow, you nailed it'.
That's right people - this year’s hottest costume IS.... ME!!! That's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.
Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

-       I wear the same pair of jeans everyday, not because I don’t own more than one pair, but because I can’t be fucked to take the things out of the pockets and put them in another pair of jean’s pockets.
-       I wear converse all-star chuck taylor shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always, in which case I wear Asics tigers.
-       I have a permanently dark and wincingly bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
-       Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please. 
-       I like silly hand gestures.  
-       I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that. 
-       Have I ever licked a dead possum as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying.
-       I hold my Coke Zero can in my RIGHT hand, my Pepsi max in the LEFT, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants.
-       I like terms such as 'Mangrove smiley face', 'bubble bath reprobates' and 'cunt', But I don’t like to offend people, so I only use them haphazardly, with caution, and when the timing feels right, well that’s a lie, I’m only actually careful with 'bubble bath reprobates'. 
-       If there is one thing I love it is skipping stones on lakes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up. 
-       I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliché.
-       I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job, as can spending three hours in a sauna making elephant noises.
-       I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot.
-       I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically. 
-       I desperately NEED to go to own a digital watch again one day, you MUST too.
-       Not enough to like go buy one though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky
-       I never, ever repeat myself, ever.
-       Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me.
-       I often have snot in hair. 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 
-       I am very easily embarrassed oh and 
-       I have a permanently dark and wincingly bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
-       Yep I did it, you filthy bubble bath reprobates! Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! I am a MANIAC!!!!!! 

Oh oh, I’m also:
-       Clearly deservingly embarrassed.
-       Too lazy to care. 
-       Hoping someone buy that watch for me please? I really want one. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Todays Press Conference with David Tieck


I enjoyed doing that one I just did, as in the previous post to this one. The speed blog that is. I want to go again, this time I feel like speed poet writing, speed writing a poem that is.

I'm gonna put 1:42 on the clock. No 'there is still time' on this one. I get the word from a book, I don't think, just type, and when it's done I write that word as a title and post away. We're having fun here arn't we? All of us. Yay.

Mouth like a gaping wound
sure and well and fratted
I dont walk like a silent bassoon
I can help the child if he asks
DOn't forget
But don't go on with it
Oh fuck I forgot to start the clock
I'll start it now
Um, make it 42 seconds to finish
starting now
before the grape ring
before the helper silented
our giving tree exonorated
out mission to be jovial
no owning


Speed blog - let's try 2:37 this time.

My word is - Falls

I find when ever I fall over something that was left on the floor with the express or intense or um, whats the fucking word i am looking for, mother fucker, ahhhhhh, um you know, the fucker left the fucking thing there just in HOPE someone would fall over it, there is a word I'm looking for. Anyway fuck it. Every time I fall over something left on the floor for that situation, I just stand up, smile and get on with my day with a chuckle. Because I'm a nice guy, and I aint letting that fucker win.

Still have some time.

Oh, um can someone shoot the prick for me.

Yeah, more time. Wait. Done!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Speed blog


I don’t have enough time these days to blog as often as I would like, which is why I have come up with this idea – speed blogs. I am going to give myself a time period of mere minutes to write a blog, I don’t get a second longer, and I don’t get to go back and edit. The content will come from grabbing a random word from a book and going. Here is my first go. It’s 2:53 am, I need to go to sleep, I might make this first experiment a mere 2 minutes. Not might, am. Stop delaying the start David, trust yourself, you’ll come up with something. Shut up Dave, just do it

Word - Care.

‘I do care about the underground, I swear to god I do, the underground matters to me’
‘it doesn’t sound like it, Ive seen you above ground three times this week, care my ass’
‘I do care, I promise, I only went above ground for food, and a few breaths of fresh air’!
‘Ah huh, fresh air? No true undergrounded would ever want fresh air.

Are yeah, wombats sure do know how to argue. Surprisingly good English skills too.

Boom – 2 mins. Well 2 minutes and ten seconds. Plus all this time I am wasting now. Time I could have potentially better used trying to spot wombats aboveground. I have always a suspected they're secretly planning an assault on the mainstream.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Time for another classic Dave Q & A session

It’s been a very hectic few weeks for me, as a hugely little bit famous artist with numerous creative outlets coming to brilliant flaming success, my time is scarce and valuable. And yet, my fans matter to me, they matter immensely, they matter even more than the some say mythological lavender colored skittles, and those make up 94% of my daily diet. So that’s why when it’s time for another classic Dave Q & A session, I don’t just not skip it, I embrace it, and I enjoy it, and I follow through without a moments delay.

Over the past few months I've received a steady stream of all your lovely questions via mail, and thank-you very much for these. I must admit, some of you have some excellently placed stamps, top left? Ha ha, you silly scalawags. Still fun use of stamps aside, this is not what will matter when it comes down to which questions I'll choose to include in this edition of my always popular Q & A.

For those I'll just wade through the dozens of questions which now fill my wading pool, which ironically is located in my den, not my wading room, as for some reason I set up my wading room next to my alligator breeding chamber, and that shit turned out to be far too noisy to wade next to, and I'll just pick out the questions which resonate with me most. These are likely, knowing me, to be the questions which clearly demonstrate an aura of uniqueness and maybe even creativity, and I’ll go with those. Here we go.

Question one, submitted by Janelle Margos - Where were you born?

Great question Janelle, creative and also unique, I appreciate it, and yet frankly I have an even better answer coming, although no creativity needed here, just truth - I was born in wood fire pizza oven, after the contents of the test tube I was developed in was mistaken for a tube of anchovies, at the time not just offering me a fiery introduction to life, but also finally giving the world the excuse it desired to ridicule anyone who orders anchovies on pizza.

Question two: submitted by Cyndi Pandow - Where did you grow up?

Another awesome question, thanks Cyndi, I love your use of both creativity and even uniqueness, and yet, once again, I have to answer truthfully, and truthfully this is a superior answer coming your way.

Answer - I grew up in a wheat silo among a tribe of incredibly advanced and evolved weevils who had extraordinarily advanced computer chip technology which was implanted into my left nipple and released a series of radioactive zeros and ones making it seem like the silo was in fact a tree house on the tropical island of Mineneous in the little known Swiss section of French Polynesia, and that I was in fact enjoying a relatively tame and normal childhood - that is, of course, until the agricultural society discovered the wheat was infested with weevils and burned the silo down.

Question three, submitted by Jonty Graham - Where do you currently live?

Wow, yet another brilliant question, well done Jonty, I really admire your thinking during question development, it feels like you've really injected in some creativity into the mix, and yet there is also a very strong sweetly wafting odor of uniqueness, and for that I admire and applaud you, while also being forced, and humbled, to admit the forthcoming answer is not just effortlessly better, but also monumentally fascinating.

Answer: I currently live in Sydney Australia, for the time being, I guess.

Well that's the Q & A, thanks for all the wonderful questions, and you’re welcome for the time I took out of my hectic massive tiny a little bit a celebrity lifestyle to answer them, now I've got to go, I've got like eight pregnant alligators here, and they aren’t gonna get fed while I'm wading in mail.