Sunday, February 15, 2015

Deep thoughts from the dentist chair



- alright, open wide, nothing to worry about, just be strong, it'll be over soon. 
- oh crap I need to fart.
- like really need to. 
- fuuuuck! 
- fuck!
- fuuuuuck!
- my stomach hurts 
- oh god, why now? 
- I'm sure it's the stress of the dentist but acknowoging that isn't helping is it, who fucking cares why? 
- seriously, I NEED to fart. 
- why does everyone have to stand so close. 
- I can't even sneak one out. 
- they are literally standing over me face down.
- that's the exact opposite of a fart friendly stance.
- the longer I wait the worse it is. 
- should I just do it? 
- at least control it? 
- there's so many chemicles smells in here? 
- but not enough to cover a fart is there. 
- how many propel wish there were  MORE chemicals to smell? 
- smell doesn't cover fucking sound though, does it? 
- holy fuck that hurt, oh god like a metal thing right into my tooth!
- ok, I still need to fart. 
- grrr. 
- I can't even try and burp it away. 
- just think about anything else ok, ANYTHING. 
- how about them whales?
- wait no, flying whales! 
- just like normal whales but flying!
- in the sky!
- wow!
- sure some people call them areoplanes but if that was true then people would go to other places. 
- so how come you never meet anyone from anywhere else? 
- like you go to the DMV or RTA and its nothing but locals. 
- careful Dave you're risking going racist here. 
- what does it matter, these are just thoughts you're having in your head, who cares if they go racist?
- well what if you write out these thoughts later?
- just don't write those bits obviously? 
- why do you always censor your actual thoughts based on what people may or may not think of them, it's ok to have weird thoughts for fuck sake, it's being human, and I'm not talking about the potential for the racist territory, I'm talking the constant fucking censorship you do, judging yourself over potential judgement. It's retarded. And it's ok to use that fucking word in your head. It is. So stop fucking worrying about everything!
- oh wow I dont think I need to fart anymore. Thankgod. 
- was in the threat of racism that killed it or the self loathing shit?
- it's probably better for my mental health if it's racism right? 
- but then I'd be on of 'those' people. 
- for fucks sake you didn't even think anything racist in the end, stop fucking bashing yourself. 
- got to be nearly done here right? 
- why are my legs so fucking sweaty? - Do they sanitize the chair? 
- if not, gross, how much sweat was already there? 
- or maybe no one else comes in in shorts then sweats all over the fucking chair. 
- maybe the only gross motherfucker is you. 
- you'll be known as the sweaty gross asshole to the staff.
- everyone hates you. 
- you sweaty fucking idiot. 
- oh thanks god, spit means I'm done right? 
- holy fuck that's a lot of blood. 
- is that normal or am I going to be known as the guy that bleeds more than anyone. 
- you farty, sweaty, bleeding loser! 
- come back in six months? Not next week? 
- that means no major problems! 
- fuck yeah! I rule! 

The best day ever declaration - bloody smile ok

Today is the best day of my life everybody, because today I get to do something that I only get the chance to do once or twice a decade at the most. Something that will surely raise the adrenalin, get the heart pumping, get a bunch of people surrounding me and focused just on me, with a spotlight right in my face, and the where the only things holding me back and yet simultaneously driving me forward are the exact same things - my past, experience, and most importantly the wide variety of things that go in and out of my mouth. There may even be blood. Ha ha, no there will DEFINITELY be blood, cause I'm going to the dentist today!! Yaayy. 

Just think about how excited the saliva, blood and gum puss sucker machine thing must be right now: 

'Sterilize me up please - and music please:

There's a special man a comin'
And it's gonna be fun n' 
I'm a gonna be lovin' 
The juices that are flowin' 

Sucking all his blood
That's flowing like a flood
His teeth may have crap all enamel 
But there still hardly flammable 

Yes I know a better rhyme was camel
Of even something like mammal
But I only sing about the mouth 
So shut up you fucking rhyme nazi cunts'

Yes the dentistry implements are excited. I'm excited. I'm currently drinking a soda, the very product the dentist will probably tell me to 'lay the fuck off or else in a couple of years you won't have any fucking teeth left for me to fucking cause fucking pain to! Is that what you fucking want? No fucking teeth? If so why not go and bite the edge of the road and I'll stomp on your head? Have you seen that movie? It was pretty good wasn't it? Perhaps a little unrealistic and preachy in parts, Edward Norton dunking? I don't think so. But the acting was pretty good, nah, really good! It's a shame what happened to that kid from terminator 2, but then that other guy went on to be in that show My Name is Earl and that was really underrated, so just keep drinking soda you little shit, and see what happens'. 

Yep, I'm off to the dentist, and it's the best day of my life! 

And now poem from the plaque scratching sharp pointy implement: 

No one understands me
No one is happy I'm here
The dentist that wields me
Uses me to raise fear 
Plaque I should be scratching
But I'm so often penetrating gum
Bad memories are attaching
Only smiles are when I'm done
Blood blood blood
Cry cry cry
Pain pain pain 
Hate hate hate 
No one understands me
I'm just a plaque scratching sharp pointy implement 
I'm the medical tool runt 
No one understand me 
I'm just a pain inducing fear mongering predicament 
But at least I'm not a rhyming nazi cunt