Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Santa Clause - The Real Truthful Gritty Origin Story

The year was 1829, and the place was far north Greenland, which at the time was called Grassland, even though it had no grass, because the color green wasn't invented yet, and the founders had really wanted to name the place ‘g-something-land’.

I mean sure, there were prototypes out there for the color Green already, but nothing had been perfected yet, let alone patented, and there were several different master inventors working on their own varieties. Most notably, out of many, Cameron Bunford and Charles Ireland.

We all know this story of course, and this isn't the origin story of the color Green, but as we all know Charles got beaten to the patent, and then got swindled by a country near the UK who took a huge shipment of fresh new green and paid only by naming their nation after him, a nice, yet financially moronic decision for Ireland.
Had he known just how much money there would be in Green he never would have made the deal, but people couldn’t see into the future as yet.

Cameron, on the other hand, made a similar deal with a nation then known as Grassland. But when but he failed to come up with any real product, having spent all his capital on the patent and suing Ireland who seemed to be selling Green illegally, and then he went into huge debt after being counter-sued by Ireland the nation, after it turned out he’d sued the wrong Ireland.

Grassland then sued Bunford and were awarded Green in the settlement. They the renamed their country Greenland, to use as a marketing tool to sell the color Green which they began to export in earnest, mostly to rich countries around the world, and Green began to go for such a pretty penny that they didn't even keep any for themselves.

It was in this land, several years before all this took place, that a small baby boy to be named Nick, was born in a gritty hospital, in a gritty hospital bed, on a gritty weathered day, in a gritty part of town, and out of a vagina so gritty that there was never a doubt he'd be an only child.

His mother was a gritty woman who worked in the local grit factory, which was a new and coveted commodity in those days. His father was a revenge fucker, who only slept with Nick’s mother because the owner of the grit factory had outbid him on the newly invented pretty penny, which had already proven to be a massive blow to Father Clause.

As a result Nick grew up in a bitter household, with his parents forced to marry by the country's then romantic 'you stuffed it you bought it' law, in a gritty house, made from grit, and with nothing but grit to eat, as in those days people were only ever paid in the in the company they worked for's product. It was even worse for those who worked at the murder factory. Where a good month of working your bones to the nub breaking the factories murder record, was rewarded with the lovely pay of having yourself and all your family murdered. But at least that was a company that always seemed to have jobs going. Still, young Nick didn't think about his friends who's parents worked there, because they were shitty friends who always seemed to just stop returning his calls and texts out of the blue with no explanation. He hated those kids. 'Spoiled little shits' he'd think.

'One day when I grow up I'm going to spoil all the seemingly happy well off shitty assholes until they ALL disappear!' He'd yell at no one in particular, as he'd sit at dinner eating a warm bowl of grit and washing it down with an ice-cold can of diet grit.
'What, are you going to get a job at the spoil store?' His dad would reply laughing, 'they'd never hire you, you're too fair, they only hire people dedicated to unbalance, and karmaprovedwronganites, you stupid shit'
'At least I dream of having a job Dad, I'll never end up a lazy bum!' He'd yell back. But he always felt really empathetic right after, as his dad dug into his own dinner, a bowl of lazy rectum, the least clean type of rectum.

I mean seriously the pay structure back then was awful. That's probably why people always coveted patents now that I think about it.

As childhood rolled on, Nick developed school chums, and the chums developed a Nickname for Nick at school, it was the first one ever, and the term nickname was named after Nick. Nick on the other hand was nicknamed ‘Santa’, which was Grasslandish for 'came from a gritty vagina', and they'd begun to call him this after his father had accidentally snap-chatted a picture of his wife's hooch to a bunch of his sons friends.

This was yet another blow to his already fragile self-esteem, and as a result Santa began not to dream of working at the spoil factory. Those guys’ families all seemed too smug for him, too pompous and too highfalutin. And this last one was something he particularly disliked, as neither falutin nor height had been invented yet, and he found that too arrogant, too pretentious, and too grandiloquent. 

No the people he looked up to were the badasses. The misfits. The provocateurs. The Rebels. The Nirvanas. The Stone Temple Pilots. The Creedence Clear Water Rivals. The My Chemical Romances. The kids that rejected cool so much that they became way more cool than even the cool kids could dream of. And this was Grassland remember, so being cool was all anyone had. These were kids so cool that one-day band’s would name themselves after them. (And yet Grassland is almost forgotten in terms of the story of Rock n Roll, for shame).

But they did also influence Santa. Nope Santa did not seek the regular normal life most craved. He wanted to be his own man. Like the kids he looked up to. And by being so he wanted to inspire the people of the world to be better and cooler and more badass than they’d ever been before. And the kids who lived that way all seemed to come from families who worked at a very specific place…

The Coal Factory.

'Coal for anyone with a unique spirit, that's my plan!' he'd suddenly burst out with, after getting lost in daydreams.

But one day, his dad would overhear him, call him a tool, and punish him by making poor Santa finish his dad's dinner.

And it would turn out that lazy rectum and grit mixed together in a stomach would have a surprise magical effect, a very surprise magical effect. Well not so much a surprise, at least not in the long run, more very reliably routine, but at first in was a HUGE surprise, and we’ll explore that more tomorrow, when

Santa - The Real Truthful Gritty Origin Story