Friday, June 12, 2015

Things I learned trying to think of Rhymes for Frosted Flakes

Cornflakes - they've been a staple of human existence for hundreds of years. They've been eaten by everyone from Kings to peasants, Princes and Paupers, and Presidents to people who didn't vote for that particular president and are bitter about it. They're tasty, and hearty, and value for money, and calling someone 'corny' originally meant that there were someone who made intelligent and well thought out breakfast cereal decisions.

It's no surprise that songwriters throughout the ages have, in a delicious bowl of Cornflakes, found a beautiful, inspirational and occasionally even erotic muse.

I'm talking about:

Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos
Flake Shake by Dr Dre
Orange Mornings By Cheap Trick
Crunch Mouth By Metallica
Box Of Love By the Bee Gees
Breakfast Romance By Dean Martin
Last Spoonful By The Beatles
Milk On Top By Miles Davis
Without My Bowl by Hank Williams
Deep In My Mouth by Bing Crosby
Overture For The Golden Crunchy Corn Flakes by Mozart

Yes Cornflakes, truly wonderful cereal, and extremely exceptional muse.

There's only one problem, I DONT LIKE CORNFLAKES. I actually prefer Frosted Flakes, cause Frosted Flakes are Cornflakes with frosted stuff, and that frosted stuff is yum.

But there are NO songs about Frosted Flakes. I get none of that joy of eating a cereal while listening to quality music inspired by that very same cereal that Cornflake eaters take for granted every morning. It's a miserable existence.

But I today, while attempting to remedy this situation, I believe I discovered why – it’s hard to think of good Rhymes for ‘Frosted Flakes’.

So here are things I learned while attempting to think of rhymes for Frosted Flakes:

- It's hard to think of rhymes for frosted flakes.
- 'Crusted Snake' is terrible.
- 'Moss Did Great' is ok.

Do you know any songs that were inspired by Frosted Flakes? Want to help me write one? We’ll turn the session into a world wide dominating rock band of extraordinary talent, skill and success if you want, only one rule, when we get to fill out our riders, we always write – NO Cornflakes.

Top Eleven Reasons I Love Butter Knives

11. They are arguably the best knife going around for the spreading of butter.
10. Yes, I know that’s controversial.
9. Yeah, I know, I agree - meat cleavers will typically get MORE butter on your croissant than a butter knife will.
8. Did I ever deny that?
7. That’s right, so you can suck on your friggin’ judgment.
6. I never fucking said that more butter isn’t better than less butter, of course it is, it’s fucking BUTTER, it’s seriously delicious.
5. Because a meat cleaver is hard to get into the tub THAT’s why.
4. Ok smart ass, yes I know about blocks of butter, but even if you do prefer a block of butter over a tub of butter, meat cleavers are also harder to control in terms of a butter distribution which most reflects your personal butter desires and predilections.
3. Croissant, dinner roll, plate of broccoli – I don’t friggin’ care what you’re fucking putting butter on, unless it’s the size of a cow, a butter knife will be BETTER than fucking meat cleaver in terms of delicate, dependable and superior butter distribution.
2. You know what? We may both be butter lovers, but you and I are NOT the same, and frankly I hope you friggin’.. just, you know expire, and hopefully from something completely unrelated to anything we have been discussing here, like blocked arteries, or having some form of huge cutting device imbedded in your head, you obtuse dick.
1. It’s easy to store a bunch of them in your cutlery draw.

That’s butter knives everybody, enjoy them today!