Breaking News - Exclusive PROOF of intergalactic Aliens being in America, that literally goes all the way to the TOP!

#BreakingNews #Exclusive #Aliens

If you look at North America from space it is CLEAR and OBVIOUS that the USA is wearing a Great Lake hat saying 'PC' like a tiny French Beret! 

Here is some more undeniable undoctored photographic evidence:

You can see it from this angle.

You can see it when it's warm but the lakes are cold.

You can even see it when it's cold but the lakes are warm. 

So what does this mean? Well Clearly Trump is NOT in bed with Russia after all, but rather in a nice cool futon with Politically Correct obsessed French Intergalactic Aliens that like to swim, but probably only right in the heart of summer, unless they like cold water, which they might! 

This raises some particularly important and scary questions:

 

- Why have the Aliens stamped this one great nation with this such epically polarizing PC label? 

- Can we build a wall to keep THEM out, and can the people of the cloud nations be made to pay for it? 

- Just how involved were the French Canadians in the lakes construction? 

- Is there any good fishing that way, and if so anyone know any good flight deals? 

- And does wearing your tiny beret on the top right rather than the top left make you gay? 

We'll hear more from this to come I'm sure. In the meantime stay tuned to Brave Dave's Brave New News for more exclusives, depending on whether I procrastinate on Google earth again later, or possible even if the PC loving aliens get mad at me for that 'gay' question above!

In the meantime watch out for clear space aliens in your neighborhood. They may look like this:

Or they may look like this:

But either way, we know a couple of things for sure, they're real, they're PC, and they mean business, and the scariest type of business there is - LAKE business!

Breaking News: The term 'itsy bitsy' banned at the water spout

The cheers heard around the world's most famous water spout today have now echoed through the chambers of progress after, in a coup for differently sized spiders, officials officially banned the term 'itsy bitsy' near their spout with an official (yet scary to many in attendance) whack of a gavel. 

The head of the committee in charge of the campaign to ban the term, Rodger, a Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula, was quoted as saying 'suck on that you stupid little spiders, I'm sick of being shamed because I'm not as svelte as you. It's not fair. It's not at all fair. Why is everyone so obsessed with size? Judgmental assholes. I shouldn't have to be treated differently just because I'm different! But we beat the dicks, and this was a quick campaign with swift success, which is good, hard work is not my forte, and besides I'm getting a shipment of just hatched raven babies delivered from my butcher tonight and I plan on serving them raw with a sauce of puréed praying mantis larvae, and stuffing my face with that till I can't walk for a week. Hopefully I can find a nice ladies favorite pair of shoes to sleep it off in'.

When reached for comment the world's most famous itsy bitsy spider, itsy bitsy himself was understandably distraught, crying into the phone 'being itsy bitsy and climbing that water spout has been the focus of my life for decades, what am I going to do? What the hell am I going to do? I don't know who I am anymore? I don't even remember my real name. Was it Steve? Oh fuck please don't let it have been Steve, Daddy Long Steve already has a stronghold on the world of famous spiders named Steve. I can't rebrand now. I just had seven thousand new t-shirts printed for my next tour. This will ruin me, RUIN ME????'

Then the phone call ended abruptly with a loud bang. We're pretty sure he didn't shoot himself, the little guy was way to small and weak to use a gun. He probably just got whacked with a shoe. We probably shouldn't have organized for him to take our call at that 'Clowns with Arachnophobia' benefit, but we also needed to get a quote from Bonkos  on the recent changes in clown law making it illegal for children to laugh 'at' clowns, with only 'with' laughter tolerated now, which lead to the recent mass execution of most attendees at Suzie's fourth birthday party, and we didn't want to fork out for two phone calls. 

A list of alternative ways to describe spiders of different sizes wishing to climb water spouts was requested with the response coming 'I don't know, just because we violently objected to something doesn't mean we've spent any time considering an alternative, that's not how the world works you dicks. YOU come up with it. But it better not offend us, or we'll take you to court, and watch out, because we can be offended by just about ANYTHING!'

After losing several millions of dollars in lawsuits from our suggestions of 'size unimportant', 'a size that fits in the rainbow of sizes, and 'sized somewhere between grab the bug spray to we're moving house', our fourth suggestion of 'differently boned' was immediately accepted with quote 'cool, did you just come up with that? That way I can say "Don't call me fat you dick, I'm big boned!" Yeah that totally works'.

Please Note: Bonkos official quote was 'the laws didn't go far enough, I'm told that sometimes those laughing "with" are ALSO doing it for the wrong reasons. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust laughter again. What am I going to do, what the hell am I going to do?' Then the phone call ended abruptly with a loud bang. 

Please Note Two: Three spiders have since become stuck and died in the water spout. When reached for comment the lawyer at the head of the ban the term itsy bitsy campaign was quoted as saying 'it's not our fault, maybe if the fat fucks laid off the flies and went for a walk occasionally they'd be okay, although if you call them fat in your story I'll sue the shit out of you, the official term is "big boned"'.

Please Note Three: A leading Arachnologists has now warned that if spiders, a traditionally boneless species, are now evolving to not just have an exoskeleton, but also bones, and already sometimes big bones then, quote 'we are all fucked, spiders will soon take over the world, there's probably one in your bed waiting to get you as we speak'.

Please Note Five: After a recent announcement made by an Arachnologists for some reason a swarm or a 'pratfall' of clowns has been seen 'freaking the fuck out'.

Please Note Six: The Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) Society has issued a statement saying 'we told you clowns were evil and would one day go psycho and try and take over the world, we TOLD you, but you all just laughed at us, you dicks. It's not nice to treat people differently just because they're different. There should be a term to describe idiots like you, I know, let's call you "dicks", yeah I like that. Ha ha, let's all laugh at the stupid "dicks"! 

Please Note Seven: It turns out Bonkos possibly did not shoot himself. Apparently little Suzie's mother was upset about the official complaint Bonkos had made about Suzie and most of her party guests, and had sought out Bonkos looking for 'revenge'. Seriously revenge? It's sickening, some people are just so damn sensitive. 

Breaking news

Breaking news: Tragedy struck earlier today, in striking fashion during a break from picketing by three striking Fashion Industry Strokers, down in the Strap region of the fashion district on Distract Street, as a microwave in the break room was turned off just as Simon, a corn kernel, was finally ready to pop.

Simon's lack of popping was particularly tragic due to several important facts:

- He was the last kernel left to pop in the whole bag, meaning his exploding would have led to the first burn-free and yet completely popped bag of microwave popcorn, a feat that surely would have led to 'Jonathan' the bags popper, and planned consumer, to unleash powerful words of astonishment, that I am lead to believe would have gone - 'wow, sweet'.

- Jonathon dearly needed a 'wow, sweet'. His life was very savory (ha ha. Wait that’s the opposite of sweet right? Or is it sour? It doesn’t matter; let’s stick with ha ha!) at the moment, and it was just jokes as lame as that, that were holding him from true umami. Ha ha. Umami.

- That's one of the flavor profiles right? 

- Is profile the right word? 

- How come the savory vs sweet question was reduced to mere parentheses when these questions get to exist as their own points?

- What the hell is a ‘fashion industry stroker’?

- And are they hiring?

- Also Simon had been a hero!

- He had been ready to pop way earlier but had seen some prepubescent corn kernels struggling, and made the selfless decision to make sure they popped safely before he would go. 

- Not that they said thank you.

- Having popped and all.

- I wonder what it feels like to ‘pop’?

- I bet it would feel swell!

- When I was in Japan I found a snack that was a full bag of half popped popcorn, and MAN it was good.

- Yum.

- PLUS texturally pleasurable.

- See, I know textures, someone hire me down on Distract Street Please; if those lazy bums want to strike then I’ll HAPPILY take their jobs!

- Unless the job is all stroking models bums.

- Those bums can be striking, making it a struggle to stand rudeness in traffic, I mean pick a lane dick!

Once again, tragedy on Distract Street as Simon, a corn kernel, failed to pop.

Simon was survived by no one.

And he was attempted to be eaten anyway.

Then half his face got stuck between two of Jonathan’s teeth requiring him to be flossed out.

A floss advocate was heard exclaiming ‘wow, sweet’.

So I guess this was a happy story in the end.