Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
So I think we've established humans have made some great achievements, I mean just think of them, houses, hats, questionnaires outside malls, the list is endless. Humans are great
Which brings me to Lewis Grant, a man who is a genius inventor. Now I know Lewis is a genius because I have had my life changed by his work, changed for the better, possibly even enriched, which is like being rich without the models. So I rate Lewis. Just think of some of his amazing inventions most of us use every day:
- His canoe that constantly updates paddlers on the pollution levels of the body of water it’s floating in and with it the danger of falling in.
- The number Forfth, falling conveniently between fourth and fifth which saves us all constantly having to write 'sort of between fourth and fifth' which is particularly helpful when debating which period of Beethoven's life he was most in favor of implying curfews on squirrels.
- The phrase 'blast your cursing ape' which he coined after his neighbor bought a pet ape and gave it a ghetto blaster and a tape of children learning swear words from teenagers, but a phrase that has since found ironic popularity it artisan cookie circles.
- His guided hospital gown with a tracking device allowing fans of saggy sick person butt to time their 'visits to sick friends’ in hospitals perfectly.
- And of course the product that he made a name for himself with, his amazing hair wax that's only 86% as greasy as your leading brand name waxes, as we all know called 'almost touchable'.
Most of us use all of these at least a dozen times a week, at least those of us that have been enriched by them enough to afford them. So I think we've now established two things:
1. Humankind has made some great achievement.
2. Well not all of humankind, Lewis Grant is lifting at least six people's loads, lift your own loads you lazy bastards!
This is what I was thinking when Lewis invited me to his house this week. This was no social visit. Lewis claimed he’d hit the mother load, his crowning achievement, and possibly humankind's greatest moment, and he’d offered me, as a world renowned journalist, a chance to be the first to see it.
‘It’s a ray machine that makes people disappear’ he said, as we both stood over what looked like science fiction laser blaster, ‘and here’s the thing, it also leaves the entire world with no evidence or memory of the person, including making it so the rays user has no memory of using it!’
‘Oh I know it works, because as I stand here I literally have no memory or proof of existence of any human that I may have used it on, if it didn’t work there would be a paper train, memories, possibly even people calling up saying “have you seen Todd?” but there is literally nothing’ he said, very convincingly.
'Also think about this, is anyone bothering us right now?' Lewis asked.
'Well your maid keeps giving me pissed off looks when I look at her like she's trying to pocket the Rolex you left on the table over there?'
'Ok, well apart from her?'
'That doesn't that strike you as strange?'
'You're right, normally there are more people around, especially since you opened your lab up to the public, increasing your maids workload abundantly, although you chose to not even give her a five percent raise, and you can really afford it, and people are really, really annoying, one of them once asked me for the time, how am I supposed to give someone time, I'm not a fucking doctor!' I replied.
'So it MUST work. I must've gotten rid of them ALL!!!'
'You don't think the cursing ape next door scared them off?' I asked.
‘Nope last week I shot the ape with a tranquilizer gun and relocated it to a poor neighborhood where the cursing wouldn’t be so out of place’
Friday, August 28, 2015
How to be a less wasteful winner
Let's face it, if you are here right now, then you've long been in with the Fleeting Forever program of excellence (created three minutes ago), and as such you're a winner, we're all winners, we win harder than just about anyone, most of us win eight to ten times a day! Congratulations, winning that often is a win in my book, and my book is an award winner. Wow, we all just can't stop winning.
The problem is when you win as often as we all do you can become complacent, sloppy and even casual, so that's why I want to talk about ways to be less wasteful in our relentless winning. And you have to remember that not everyone wins as often as us, some folk barely even win at 87% of things they attempt, a number so low most of us upon encountering it would probably pelt it with medals until it died! Of course then we'd win 'best murder of number' at the international number awards, and be given yachts, but that's just us, and we have to be take all those losers into consideration.
Before we get to some ways to be less wasteful in our winning, let's first look into a little bit of the history of the key elements to winning.
Winning would be far less fun without the post win celebration, but there was actually a time, before the invention of celebrations, that victories went uncelebrated. In this time winners would instead gather in dive bars, give each other a nod of recognition, and then quietly ponder whether all the effort was worth it, given that there was no tangible benefit to their victory, while drinking until they puked on the floor. This was not frowned upon as frowning upon things had also yet to be invented, so with no tangible drawback the patterns continued. Then one day, a recent winner entered one of these bars, and just as he went to give a nod of recognition to his fellow winners he slipped in vomit and while trying not to fall his arms flung up in the air. He liked it. So did witnesses. Soon after victories people would often come and stand in vomit and throw their arms in the air, and celebration was born. Six or seven decades later someone pointed out that you could throw your arms in the air without standing in vomit, and the celebration of throwing arms in the air without standing in vomit as we now know it became very popular.
Winning would be far less enjoyably if you couldn't gloat about it to as many people as possible for as long as possible, but there was actually a time, before the invention of gloating, that winning went ungloated. It was a dark, dark time. So dark in fact that most people had to light lots of fires just to see. People would light fires all over the place, and with gloating over recent wins not an option, people would try to prove how much better they were than others by lighting the biggest fires imaginable. One night a man named ‘Norm Trophy' lit a fire so big that the heat it gave off caused his hair, clothes, face and genitalia to melt off. Upon seeing this, a gold merchant trying to figure out a use for the crappy weak soft metal he'd been digging up, thought 'that guy looks bad ass, but he'd look even better made of gold' and later that night he made a gold, hairless, naked, genitalialess statue, he called it 'the trophy' after its inspiration, and gave the first one to Norm. For the next few years Norm could be seen walking around town holding his trophy screaming, my eyes melted out, but I got THIS suckers. Then someone stole it, and replaced it with a dead shaved skunk, but Norm couldn't feel the difference as all the skin on his hands had been melted too, and he'd lost a lot of feeling. The man who pulled off this heist was very proud of himself, and would tell everyone and with that story, gloating as we know and love it, was born.
Let's face it, winning without the actual winning would be far less awesome if you didn't win, but there was a time, before the invention of winning, when no one EVER won. It was a horrible period of equality, fairness and utopia. But then one day a coyote ate a frog, began hallucinating, saw an old lady and thought she was a magic walking tree allowing peeing on the move and with it saving more time for random wandering, so it followed her into a bingo center and burped out a frog leg on an old man named Anthony's lap, who yelled the ancient traditional Sicilian word for 'oh gross a coyote burped a frog leg on my lap' which turned out to be 'bingo'. No one had ever dreamed of yelling out the name of the game they were playing before, as it was redundant and therefore unnecessary, and the old folk knew that once people discovered they were unnecessary they'd get skinned to be turned into incontinence pads. Realizing what he'd done, in a desperate plea to not be thought of as unnecessary he ran out of the hall, threw Molotov cocktails into the food supply shed, and as the rats and cockroaches poured out he thought 'my god, the pudding' and fought off flames to grab himself a couple of cups. As he was taken away in the ambulance, burned, smoke filled and oozing diarrhea from eating seventeen year old pudding, he yelled out the ancient traditional Sicilian word for 'please only give the incontinence pads made from my skin to the women' which turned out to be 'Winner'. When word got around the old folks home of his three pudding triumph the desire to be a 'winner' swept the residence, some were so excited by the prospect they peed right into their Anthony skin’s made incontinence pads. And winning was born. It's been coveted ever since.
How to be a less wasteful winner
Now that we have refreshed everyone's memory on the history I am sure we all feel an even greater responsibility to not be a wasteful winner. Here are some fun steps to help you:
- If you think your winnings will be messy wear a bib, and lick it clean after.
- If you win too much in one day to enjoy it all as much as it deserves, simply vacuum pack some winnings and keep in a laboratory strength freezer to save for a day when you only win five or six times.
- If you come across someone who is haphazard with their winnings challenge them to a duel and win, but make sure the terms are set to 'winner takes all winnings'.
So there you go everyone, you can now go out there and win your heart out knowing that you won't be wasteful with those winnings, and if you ask me that's a win - wow WE CAN'T STOP WINNING!!!
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
That was when the trouble started. Big trouble.
Big trouble. Involving a goose.
A BIG goose.
At least compared to a baby sparrow.
I didn't mean to start trouble, honestly I didn't. I was just making a truthful, authentic and interesting observation.
'Hey, look, there's a man' would be an example of an observation that is not intended to be a trouble starter. And that’s an observation I have made at least three times. But now I hold back, because I have become aware that it CAN be a trouble starter.
Then again I DID attend an all boys school. But I feel ultimately this is a commentary on the school administrators more than a difference between the sexes.
The point is, that I had no idea the goose would be upset, is what I'm saying. And it wasn't. Upset would be a VAST understatement. So okay, it turns out geese consider themselves the masseuses of the poultry world. Sorry, sorry - 'the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption' world, as they prefer to be known. I assume. I mean there are lots of birds, but we only eat some of them, but that's probably their fault.
But trouble had begun. Big trouble. Before I knew it the Goose was giving me the best damn massage of my life just to prove a point. This led to at least three other birds being inspired to make their own points, which ultimately lead to a magpie kicking an otter! It was BIG trouble. At least compared to a baby sparrow.
I think the lessons here are four:
1. I need to observe more things that don't cause trouble, ‘look there's a table!’ Would be an example. Oh fuck now a goose is breaking it over a ducks face, my god it's bill is so fucked up it almost looks like a beak, a dirty stinking beak, oh the humanity, um oh the humpoluitry. That's better.
2. Maybe I need to stop observing shit altogether, ‘oh wow, look there's nothing to see here’, ahhh.
3. Geese have a terrible reputation in the bird world, and I'll tell you why, none of the male geese want to work in propaganda, because then they'd be a 'propaganda gander' and geese don't want to bang ganders who have confusing business cards. And of course
4. Be more delicious Vultures damn it. It’s high time that the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption world got a new member!