Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving - Reasons to be thankful from the mind of Dave

It's thanksgiving America - yaayy - but if you having nothing to be thankfully for it can be really lonely- but I am here to save you - here are some reasons you may not have thought about to be thankful!!! You're welcome America. 

Every time you eat a sunflower seed you deny a sunflower the chance to live, and the sunflower is the most joyful flower, which is good if you're happy hating scum.

If you're George Clooney there's a better than average chance you've recently had sex with someone I haven't had the pleasure of.

If you're shopping and they say 'if you need to ask the price you cant afford it' what they mean is you don't deserve to be able to afford it.

If you enjoy playing guitar then there is a good chance you are not addicted to raping teddy bears.

Most terrorists can now be swayed to not commit a suicide bombing with a custard filled chocolate krispe kreme.

If you know a girl for more than 2 years before drunkenly asking her to fuck then these days you can know there's a good chance its not true love.

Due to recent technological advancements moldy donuts now taste better than an old ladies unnecessarily used tampon.

If you grind up mosquitoes in a jar they make an excellent alternative to jam on an English muffin.

I you are a drink and in my mouth right now then you're finally on your way to fulfilling your preordained destiny.

These days if you have no kids but try to pick up kids after school anyway their parents rarely thank you for your generosity.

This year Black colored greyhounds finally are secretly delighted by the color confusion.

If you're an alcoholic you can regularly enjoy naps in strangers gardens.

There's now a third number to consider when your going to the toilet. Number 3 - when you diarrhea out your bellybutton.

Happy Thanksgiving America!!!!!!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

My new invention

Sick of not being able to eat salted nuts while using your computer in case you get salt on your keyboard? Um - ready, here's my new invention - Saltless Salted Nuts! #nailedit 

Keyboards and salted nuts can finally live in harmony once more #yourewelcome