Welcome to the fantastical everyone, the blog where I only wear space grade face force fields at home during lightening storms AND where I am on the march to one MILLION total reads.
That's one MILLION reads.
(Insert Austin Powers gif here)
As of writing the total is - 999866.
Which is REALLY close to a million.
And here is the thing, I'd like to hit the million - why? Because it would be rad.
In fact it would be rad for a TWO reasons:
1. If people asked me "has anything rad happen to you lately?" I could answer - "yes".
2. I could finally laugh in the face of 999 Joe - the local bully who loves to bum cigarettes from people, claims to have heard lots of CDs, and is always waving people down in their cars and then telling them to "watch out for the notorious car wavererer guy" - and when he is challenged about his antics he always replies -
"Well I've got 999 bro, that's why they call me 999 Joe"
And when people ask - "is that like you're nine hundred and ninety nine at something or something?"
He always get's mad and says - "No, not nine hundred and ninety nine, nine hundred thousand and ninety nine nine nine nine - as in that's how many reads my blog has had pal"
And when the response is - "shouldn't your name then be '999999 Joe' then"?
He gets all antsy and screams - "NO, WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT- IT'S 999 JOE - THAT'S A COOL NAME, IT ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE, AND SOUNDS COOL"
And when the people then come back with - "Oh sure, if you say so, mr nine hundred and ninety nine blog reads only Joe"
He then gets FURIOUS and yells - "If I ever see you driving around here I am going to wave you down so hard"
And then when the people reply - "Oh what, and then tell us to watch out for the scwary mr car waving boy"
He then gets angrier still and yells - "It's WAVERERER GUY ASSHOLE"!
And you see here's the thing - the REAL asshole, in my opinion, IS - 999 joe. In fact, he might even be a dick.
So if we can hit the million here - oh boy - are things going to be different next time I clash with 999 Joe.
Here's how I think it will go down:
"Hello there, my name is 999 Joe"
"Nice to see you 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave plus FOUR more 0's at the end - and those 0's are zeros, not o's, as in "owe", I mean those ones aren't "owe" either, they are just o, like you don't owe me anything, so just to clarify 999 Joe, my name is 100 Dave 0000 - that's a one, and then six zeros total, three digits before my name like you, and then four after for a total of seven numbers total - I've split them up, with the Dave in the middle just for some extra intrigue, and some suspense, and a little pizzaz, but overall the digits when stuck back together make up the number 1000000, which is one MILLION! (Insert Austin Powers Gif here), which means REGARDLESS of whether 999 Joe stands for nine hundred and nintey nine, or nine hundred and ninty nine thousand and nine nine nine blog reads, I HAVE YOU BEAT JOE! SUCK ON THAT!"
Yep, that's going to be AWESOME. Apart from anything, think of all the time I will save not having to debate his meaning of 999.
And then think of the things I could do with that time, things such as:
- Buy a time share
- Share a pizza with a pizza loving friend
- Friend up a spoon wielding welder
- Find out WHY he or she wields a spoon
- Ask if he or she is ever worried that they'll ever accidentally weld the spoon to something
- If the answer is "Yes" follow that question up with a follow up question
- A question like "like what?"
That's right folks, the million is close, and that means life is about to get interesting, possibly even VERY interesting my friends.
I mean just think of the things the spoon may end up being welded to:
- A metal chair
- The metal part of a partly metal chair
- The chairy part of a partly metal car
- A partly metal car door SMACKING into 999 joe!
Yep, life is about to get swell.
PS. If you shorten Million to "Mill" you can make Mill'd stuff! Perhaps like mill'd space grade face force fields?? Woo hoo.
999 Joe's current "haunt"
