Sunday, October 31, 2010

Ruining it for all the ladies

Girls, now I know you all hope to one day be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor, but haven’t you ever wondered just why these knights were so concerned by buffing up their suits all shiny before heading of to see a bunch of men on a battle field?

Lets look at some facts about Knights:

- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!

- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’

- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.

- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.

- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).

- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.

- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.

- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.

That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How are your orgasms?

Earlier today I suggested that – The term 'anti-climax' is too harsh - this party is so boring I am now against orgasms!!!! Boo

I would like to now take that back and stand corrected (I feel sorry for people in wheelchairs, if they make a mistake they can never stand corrected, that’s pressure people, to always be right. I couldn’t handle it!)

I actually think it would be great if anti-climaxes actually did inspire people to be anti climax. Think about it, EVERY event would have to be awesome. Cause no one would be willing to risk ruining orgasms.


‘Hey boys, this may be just another league game in this soccer season, but if we don’t go out there and put on one hell of a show for our seven fans we could totally fuck up orgasm, so let’s go out there and play hard!’


‘Hi Mr Cameron, this is the studio calling, we’re going to shelve Avatar, if people find out that you just took the ‘dances with wolves’ script and changed the word ‘Indian’ to ‘weird blue person’ it could totally ruin orgasms’!


‘Honey, I am going to put all my efforts in today, I don’t want this sex to be anti-climatic’

‘That’s ok baby, I am a girl, I don’t actually care about your orgasms, and frankly I prefer to get mine from a rubber machine than from you’

‘Wait, what just happened? Damn you soccer league, your draw last week ruined my wife’s thoughts about orgasms!!!!!!!’


‘On the news tonight the sport of soccer has officially changed their rules to allow brawling after angry men everywhere began blaming draws for their women not caring about their orgasms’


‘No actually honey, it has nothing to do with the soccer, women have always disliked the male orgasm. It’s like if a guy makes a girl cum after two minutes he likes it and feels virile and she gets to enjoy the bodies most pure form of pleasure, but if a guy cums after two minutes he is taught to feel ashamed and unmanly and she makes fun of him to all of her friends’


‘The flight to Singapore today is expected to be smooth sailing and turbulence free, so we’re going to take a little detour past some Cambodian jungles just to see if we can risk crashing near some gorilla militants all hell bent on training their torture mongers, just to make this flight exciting’


‘And yet I’m the one who always wants it, something isn’t right here. Um, um, um – I know lets start having orgies, that way EVERYONE wins HOORAY’

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Give the bullies a break

Seems lots of people are talking about bullying these days and I have to say it - give the bullies a break please.

Think about it, school is the only time these people will have the opportunity to simultaneously be around scores of vastly smarter and better looking people than them AND a small bunch of so far undiagnosed retards and future jail rape 'victims' who haven't yet noticed that ganging up on and picking on kids who have futures makes them a punch line and routinely hated and considered pathetic.

This is but a brief opportunity for these kids - for the rest of their lives they won't have the opportunity to highlight just how inferior they are. In the prison/rehab/poorly-paid-no-skill-required-yet-still-about-to-be-fired-job where they end up their 'peers' aren't around to back up their stupidity because they are stuck doing things like beating up women because it's the only way they can get another human being to be willing to stay in the same room with them.

School ends up being the highlight of their lives. That's right - the period of time where they are displaying behavior so moronic that for the rest of their lives people remember and mock it is the HIGHLIGHT of their lives.

I was going to say 'that's like' now - but there is no possible just like it. These idiots actually celebrate establishing the pattern which ensures they have no future.

So give the bullies a break - they are the worst humans alive and they are only just about to find out. Fucking idiots.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Some people are so lazy

I was in a department store today, Myers, one of Australia's two biggest chains. This is a company so big that they have enough money lying around to pay millions of dollars to an overrated 'supermodel' to be an ambassador or some shit. Yeah right, like anyone would specifically go to one store because they pay money to a model to pretend she shops there sometimes. Next thing you know people will be telling me that there will be companies who routinely pay for pop-up ads on major websites that do NOT automatically get blacklisted by so many consumers that they go bankrupt within a year. Um, banks started doing that and the world's economy was destroyed, I think I know what I am talking about!

Anyway, I was in this store today and they had Christmas decorations up. STILL!!!! It's October, they have had ten months to take that stuff down. Really that stuff should be down by like February right? A month or so from now and some of the really annoying shops will be jumping the gun and ALREADY putting up Christmas decorations for THIS year.

I just don't understand how some businesses even think they'll make money.

Monday, October 11, 2010

How to have all the power in the world!!!

Yesterday I ended up being a little bit political completely unintentionally. Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways to influence us regular folk.

Made me think today, and that's dangerous. Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of creating danger.

People are always referring to the president of the United States of America as the most powerful man in the world and I can't help but think, um, no he isn't!

The president is a man (or one day a woman) whose every single decision is subject to world wide scrutiny and debate, and is molded by meetings/ following party lines/ honoring promises/ and catering to benefactors who paid for their campaigns, and whose implementation is reliant on being passed in congress and the senate and all those bill dealies! Power my ass.

And speaking of ass, consider this: If the president is anywhere but the White-house and he needs to go poo poo it takes a massive security operation clearing bathrooms and making sure safe passage in and out of perhaps previously unplanned buildings. And the president is a person who is stressed and often eating foreign foods at irregular times and therefore probably has inconsistent and perhaps even sudden strong poo poo needs where time is of the essence and he has to spend that time waiting for meetings between his security team on where and when the best time and place for said bowel movement can be arranged. That's right, the presidents bowel movements require MEETINGS and then when he goes he probably has security right there in the toilet with him just in case someone has snuck in a deadly spider in the hope it would bite him. (by the way, I have always thought dropping spiders on enemies would be WAY more affective than dropping bombs. Plus wouldn't the footage look cool, thousands of little spiders being parachuted onto Iraq?)

If you cannot have a bowel movement without other people having a meeting to discuss when and where you can then you are not powerful!

The president has 330 million bosses, and every single on of them will tell him he's not doing a good job if that's how they feel. Have you ever had a boss tell you that you need to lift your work effort, or that a task you have completed wasn't done satisfactorily? It feels horrible, and the president gets that times 330 MILLION times for EVERY thing he does! That would make you feel bad, and feeling bad isn't powerful.

People who have more power than the president (or any elected official in any democratic country) include:

Paris Hilton
Homeless people
Lab rats
Head Lice
Washing left to dry over a balcony railing
Green balloons
YOU! Every single one of you!

Damn those politicians and their sneaky ways of pretending they have power!

The looming health crises?

Now I don’t usually like to talk about what everyone else is talking about but on this one particular issue so many people have talked so much about it and yet I still don’t think that the people have talked about it in a way in that it should be talked about.

I am sure by now you have seen pundits on CNN and the nightly news talk about the local paper in the small former silver mining town of Sala near Stockholm in western Sweden’s report that the local high school is considering dropping the subject of ‘health education’ or ‘helunda ecoloa’ from their curriculum after the closure of the 2015 school year unless the moderate change in the school budget which is projected to be passed in the next few months doesn’t go through.

Most of the so called ‘big news channels’ claim that this is a sure sign that the health of the entire world is in jeopardy. And while such a horrific rumor to come out of a small town school administration is often a forewarning of a global disaster (it was a small Austrian schools decision to switch lunch from 12pm to 1230pm which was the original catalyst for WWI as I am sure you know) I think in this case the so called experts are wrong (plus who puts ‘expert big news channel guy’ on their business card, isn’t that a little wordy, why not just ‘know-it-all-but-don’t-really-because-I-just-report-what-I-hear-from-other-places-meaning-really-I-just-know-lots-of-people’ surely that’s more practical).

Point is I believe that many of these people who we put so much trust in are not looking at all the facts here. Yes I know newsmen are magical people, a weather man once said it might rain and then it DID – that’s proof that the news people CAN and DO make bold predictions, and weather, also, can have major effects on the world, it once rained when I was on the way to the shop and the heavier traffic meant that I did NOT buy the CD I was planning on buying as planned. And we all know what has happened to the CD market – it’s collapsed! Only years after they lost a sale to me because of the rain. Well delayed sale, I bought it the next day, but still who knows how many other products have seen their market share dwindle to almost irrelevance because of such a delay? We don’t know – you should be on this newsmen, you’re supposed to be experts – yet you don’t know anything about which products would now be king if it didn’t rain that day so I could have made the shop – shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Lets look at the facts:

Fact one: In Sweden in the summer the daylight goes for 24 hours and in the winter the moonlight goes on for 24 hours. This means if you wake up after fifteen years in a coma and there is no clock in the room and you look out the window, you will HAVE NO IDEA what time it is! Then some person is bound to say ‘well there probably will be a clock, it is Sweden’ and this poor person, after fifteen years in a coma will be forced to suddenly yell ‘Switzerland is the clock country, NOT Sweden!’ and the strain, and stress of not knowing what time it is AND deal with misplaced cultural stereotypes will almost certainly knock this poor man right back into a coma. Is this the kind of health system WE need to worry about Sala school kids no longer learning about potentially from 2015? Yes we do, because by looking at the bizarre health systems we can learn more about how to deal with unusual events in our own more ‘normal’ hospitals. However things like this are clearly so interesting these school kids are all but guaranteed to look them up and study them in their OWN time, therefore making the school teach them a mute point.

Fact two: Many girls in Sweden are really, really cute. This has no relevance at all to the world’s health, and would I bring this up now if there was a crises coming? Possibly, because I am often distracted by the attractive. Ha ha, that kind of rhymes. Would I bring up that rhyme dealy if there was a world health crisis coming up? Fuck no I wouldn’t, this is serious, and if I am not being serious then you better believe you can trust ME that there isn’t a world heath crises coming.

Fact three: Downhill skiing is both fun and good for your fitness, and there is way less skiing in Sweden than people think, for it is not a mountainous country, and there are way more skiers in Norway to the East, so by definition the Norwegians will be enjoying more of the health benefits and fun times which skiing offers, and very few Norwegians go to school in Sweden. Why? Well would you leave a country that offers all the fun and robustness of skiing? No you wouldn’t. Which is proof that this one schools decision will probably not affect the education of one of their bordering nations.

Fact four: I personally have a really bad diet, and that happened BEFORE this schools announcement, and if I know one things it’s this - very few people stalk me to find out exactly what I eat so they can copy it exactly down the very same quantity of French fries and how many times I dip them in barbeque sauce. Very few people do this, but some do, which means if a health crises is coming shouldn’t I cop some of the blame?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now see this is why I don’t like to talk about topical news type stuff, I always end up exposing myself and the cruel way I live my life at the detriment of others. And it doesn’t make me feel good. You suck Swedish school system!!!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

You may not like it but really should probably hear this

If you get your shoe stuck in gum you probably have spectacularly weak calf muscles!

If you head-butt a tyrannosaurus your fear of horns is probably in direct contrast to your time-machine building skills!

If a tyrannosaurus gets its foot in gum someone probably packed really impractically for a time-travelling trip!

If Homer Simpson were here right now he’d probably say ‘d’oh’ because that’s his catchphrase, and therefore statistically speaking the single most likely thing that he would say at any random point of time!

Math is probably awesome, especially statistics!

If you built a spaceship out of knives that were used to stab people you should probably question the security at the police stations murder weapon storage facilities!

If you’re out in public and your outfit is made up entirely of contrasting stripe patterns you should probably have also included some sort of cloth or material!

If to you ‘happiness’ is defined as ‘a million little paper cuts’ then you should probably purchase an alternative dictionary!

If you regularly dance on the graves of rivals you probably have a weird ability to find a danceable beat in graveyard living bird’s songs while simultaneously have a strange pattern of forming rivalries with the terminally ill!

If you feel like it’s been way too long since you’ve had a quiet night in you’re probably not deaf!

Buying a gun is probably not a good way to honor the contributions of the first ever varnish bottle elected to the senate, and frankly you should be spending more time questioning voting patterns than honoring the victors! Hell Yeah you should!

If you drink so much you vomit it’s probably still better than if you vomit so much you decide you may as well get drunk, and yet neither are as alarming as vomiting so much you decide to take up embroidery! I mean how old are you?

Sometimes the truth is tough to take, but someone probably should say it!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hey mirror, take a good look in the mirror, you asshole

If you ask me mirrors are the most elitist, discriminatory objects in the world. And the worst kind too. Think about it, mirrors spend by far the most time looking at the vain!

What kind of object decides to choose, of all people, vain people to look at? I’ll tell you what kind, assholes. Just the same kind of assholes who work for magazines claiming to empower women while simultaneously filling their pages with models and airbrushed lies! (Little known fact: The chief editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine was a mirror when she was a little girl – and she spent so much time looking at a really fucked-up Vain woman that the little mirror became this evil person! Can you believe how elitist mirrors have to be to not just look at the vain, but eventually take their form!)

Still we should know better. Mirrors have magic powers that we all see and choose to ignore. They have the power to make the non-stereotypically beautiful feel ugly. To make women cover their faces in overly gooped-up make-up that is in no way attractive to men. Of course we all know they are sexist too, spending way more time looking at women than men. Those bastards. Thank-god we don’t have mirrors in the workforce, or in politics or their would be sexism there too! God help us.

Note 1: I too have magic powers, I can look at a vast array of rooftops and know instinctively if I have ever burgled the house they roof, so don’t think for a second that this is an anti-magic blog

Note 2: I have never burgled a house, but please don’t think for one second that this in someway sullies my magic power, on the contrary I think it enhances it, you know cause I am ALWAYS right

Note 3: Sullied is a really fun word to say yet it is almost always used in a negative way ‘Sally sullied her salad by spilling it on a dog’ would be one extremely common sentence that takes advantage of the word sullied and is entirely negative, a dinner is ruined, a poor dog is covered and food, and a poor girls reputation and therefore potentially her entire life is destroyed. I think this is all unfair on the word sullied. I for one am going to use it positively for once

Note 4: Deidre sullied her would be attractors rape attempt by kneeing him in the balls

This is just the beginning. Mirrors have managed to sneakily find a way to push their way into almost every bathroom in the world. Those dirty fucks. Tell us why mirrors? What do you get out of looking at us naked all time, looking at us on the toilet, and looking at us sleeping on the floor covered in our own vomit after way too much drinking, and just making it short of getting to the toilet for a puke?

You just know they are getting together in secret and having conversations like this:

‘Hey Bill, how’s life?’

‘Really fucking good actually, the girl in my bathroom has started to stand-up to wipe, I get to see EVERYTHING’

‘Fantastic, hey get this Bill, you should have seen what this guy did in the bathroom I live in did the other day – he looked at me in Simon so he could take a look at his own asshole’

‘Wow what an awesome guy’.

You see I assume this sort of behavior is approved of in mirror society, or perhaps even loved. Or else why would they so encourage it. If mirrors wanted to spend their time looking at us completely dressed looking at perfectly average moments of human existence they would mostly hang out in hallways, or perhaps where the TV hangs out (an object that doesn’t care who you are, but if it does favors the lonely, and yet gets very little respect). But no, the mirror likes to be in the bathroom, that dirty, dirty little object.

Still it’s the love of the vain that makes me the most annoyed. Consider this – I was in the gym the other day and I was working my ass off, figuratively and literally, while spending time enjoying the visual delights of a beautiful blonde girl in a delightful pink and purple skin tight outfit, while her boyfriend simultaneously kept going up to the mirror and lifting up his shirt to look at his own abs!

That’s right! The mirror had an option to attract a sweaty longhaired scruffy guy, a hot young blond, or a douche-bag who wanted to look at his own abs, and it chose to look at the vain douche!!! Take a long hard look at yourself you vain loving snobby mirror scum! (You too blonde girl).

And now because it just occurred to me that I have written about things in your bathroom twice in a row, I segway to this:

Did you know that if you move every mountain on earth into a mountain of mountains then you probably have awesome mountain moving equipment!

On the other hand if you have a mountain in your bathroom you have big problems, although please don’t consult an interior decorator – some of them recommend MIRRORRSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Please squeeze my buttocks

After two nights of tiny amounts of sleep I had a lovely sleep last night, and I realized some things as I woke up this afternoon.

I love everything about waking up, except trying to convince my eyes to open, getting out from under warm blankets, and wondering why I slept cuddling a pair of my own underpants.

The phrase ‘too much cheese’ is the same as the Mormon god. While technically it might exist if you go around telling people you believe in it they’ll rightly call you crazy.

A Christmas tree is the same as a kite. Both are perfectly acceptable weapon choices in an ‘I hope I lose’ fight.

Nightmares are the same as broken fingernails, either one will give you an excuse to take the day off murder college. Yet still murder college? Come on guys, why not do something more positive and awesome at school, like a pottery course? Everyone enjoys misshaped mugs more than mug shots. Think about it please.

Women are like donuts. The holes may be the least delicious parts, but I’m still hungry! Mmmm gluttonous sexual innuendo, yummy.

Bricks are the same as spotlights. Throw either at a plane and either airport security has fucked up, or you can FLY!!! That’s so cool.

T-shirts are like babies. If you hang them on wire hangers you risk leaving them misshapen. Still who can be bothered buying nice cribs or wooden hangers when the wire ones are so often abundantly free?

Memories are like disco balls. If you spend hours looking at them from every possible angle there is a good chance you’re alone, drunk and extremely happy.

Regrets are like penises. They’re most fun after you’ve embarrassed yourself in efforts to hide them in warm moist holes.

I meant rabbit holes after a rainstorm!!! Get your minds out of those dirty places people. I mean regrets in vaginas? How would that even work?

And now a message from an older yet still vain tube of toothpaste:

Please, please start squeezing my buttocks, my breasts are sore and hollow while my bum is round and bulging, I don’t want my toothbrush to leave me for another tube.

Damn those fresh young plump untouched virgin toothpaste tubes. Selling their virginity in supermarkets and convenience stores. Full of unsullied white, green and blue striped guts just willing to spill them on any toothbrush who pays them even the slightest bit of attention. ‘In my day single colored guts were considered beautiful ok!’

I hear some of these young tubes will even spill their guts on various toothbrushes in their lives! Sometimes more than one toothbrush even on the same night! Where are the parents?

The damn young and their lack of crusty, gooey build up around their lips, ‘they’re signs of life and gaining wisdom you young whores!’

Sometimes I just wish my ass would be rolled up and destroyed, just so I could experience being top heavy and firm one more time before my time passes on. Is that wrong?