Tuesday, December 30, 2014
If you ask me New Years Eve is less about paper hats than people think. At the moment I think most people give around 1.8% of their time on NYE thinking about paper hats. That's a global average based on my research, and may be different in your region, but that's based on how much people say they plan to think and talk about paper hats during their personal brand of NYE celebration/ lonely sitting at home wishing they had someone to love, or even talk to.
Yet, YET, when I go up to people at parties, or knock on random doors at houses where I can hear sad music and can see through the window to a noose hanging from the ceiling, and ask 'were you just thinking and/or conversing about paper hats?’ Only 1.4% say yes. And in the miserable people category those who say they were conversing about paper hats 58.56% of the time it turns out they were conversing with a goldfish, and that's not even a warm water fish so as if it counts.
Well screw that, I’m not allowing lies to be how the new years starts. I am thinking and talking about paper hats so much tonight that I will save those who thought they would think about it 1.8% of the night and fail to do so, and by doing so, I will start off the new year a god damn hero.
Stay happy and safe everyone, and have the best end of the year of your life!
Here's something different - I decided to try the dictation, voice recognition thing on my phone, and then wrote a blog using it.
The following is it in its full rambling misheard word riddled punctuation free glory. I had to do it I small chunks because the guy in India listening in and typing it up would freak out and make me start again all the time, so here are the chunks, and at the end of each I'll sum it up coherently and profoundly. Yay.
Hello this is me using the dictation thing on my phone I have never used this before but I don't have much battery is left in the Greeley like to ride this thing tonight because I righted every night and that's not a complaint it's not I don't know why people thinking that I was complaining that's not what I was saying I'm the thing is okay him what wisest sounding okay I was just listening to a podcast and it was very at it was full of anxiety
Sum up: Some guy called Greeley nearly got shot!!!
Okay so unique and do certain bits so this will come in small amounts and am that's fine and I had the best day of my life is the point and am you know I'm losing you technology right now I've never used me technology before this the first time normally I wait until every other person on earth has used the technology and then suddenly of it's just part of the world have an excellent used it it's just that I don't mean like taking money out of ATM machines many times and yes they are called ATM machines because that's what we call them again as if that Aaron was
Sum Up: by a guy named Aaron at at ATM!
Today was the best day of my life and I'll tell you why I just figured out how to use the dictation thing on my phone so I am not writing this I am saying it can you believe that it's like I'm talking to you people like with my voice and even though you don't email voice even read it later that's like two different home you know senses hearing and the other one and I think I talked about senses yesterday you know I think maybe I'm I'm really connected to my senses right now I like where I'm sitting I can I'm here I'm gonna Paco I can eat some form of bug guy
Sum Up: Because Aaron found out Greeley is a cannibal who's been eating exterminators! Wow. Ironic.
Something bug but going make me melt what is the dictation gonna think I said it it doesn't get it right there's gonna be also some mistakes in this inning to fix them later or maybe I will write jokes to all you know observations about the mistakes and it will be fun for school and think should be fun you know like I had fun once when I was in a Pok I'm in a park right now so there's proof and I'm having fun right now sometimes I make it Siri and I prove it correct instantly it's like it's like you know when lightning strikes and he turned face
Sum up: So Aaron tried to shoot Greeley, with plans to melt him using the equipment at a restaurant named Pok owned by a lady called Siri! Wow. Cool restaurant name.
When lightning strikes and it's him in the face you know in that moment that you have a theory that lightning hitting you in the face and then instantly you find out with that theory is true and now I have that theory but I have never been approve the correct show as I'm speaking even though there was no signs of any form of lightning and thunder I mean is circling around and often I'll have just like a cloud following me around and shooting running it might be Sunday but I don't have a crowd today and so I don't know if I will get hit by lightning in the face as I'm talking here but I'm presenting theory an
Sum up! But Greeley was running so fast when Aaron tried to shoot him that a crowd formed to watch, a crowd so big that it'll take till Sunday for them all to disperse!
I would like that theory to be proven correct like just before I had a theory that I could have fun in o'clock and I know to be true because I'm in a park talking into the phone and you want to read those thoughts later that's the theory and approve and you know I think of politicians could do that occasionally then maybe we live in a better world but they cannot they have series and they have proof but it's name approve of the theory it's like I can prove that there is a break in this building okay that great proof and I have a theory that the
Sum up: And now because of his awesome speed, which was proven to not be aided by performance enhancing drugs, Greeley has been voted the new town mayor! Wow. Awesome reason to elect someone.
That the world would be better if there were no Alaskan Game hens am flying at me so launching sites and really distracting the protesters that is standing that better actually think they protesting abortion clinic but it actually there abortion clinic move down the road very common politician Siri I don't know if I had to prove it but I don't have a very big at Coleman and and that's the problem with this world so today's been the best day of my life
Sum Up: And then Siri turned down Aaron's proposal of marriage, and instead chose a man named Coleman, who is apparently 'very big', and so Aaron, heartbroken and horrified at having a cannibal as Mayor, has felt the need to escape to Alaska, where he is working at an Abortion Clinic undercover as a game hen so he can sneak in past the protesters, who are distracting! Holy shit. They hire game Hens at abortion clinics? Very progressive, I like it.
Oh and I am not Aaron, so today is the best day of my life.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Today was one of those days I didn’t have to seek, or dig, or scrounge for best day of my life activities to take place, they simply fortuitously we’re dumped into my metaphorical lap, or if you don’t want the metaphor, just look up a little from my lap, now come on, you can do it, I know it’s nice to look down there, but move them eyes a little higher, nope, keep going, no lingering, hey those are my nipples, they aren’t for you, they are for me and only me, keep going, ok good. Now that your looking into my eyes I can tell you that you can’t see where the good stuff was dumped, because it wasn’t a visual thing, it was hearing, um, what do you call it, oh yeah, audible.
Now I know what you’re thinking ‘nothing good is ever heard because you have to see it to believe it and that’s visual; and the proof is in the pudding and that’s tasteful, and neither of those things are best enjoyed with your ears, except pudding, but only with a very, very special someone’. Well I’m going to prove you wrong. Because I had an exceptional experience that was completely heard. In fact overheard. Yep, I got to eavesdrop onto a female conversation.
Now before you call me a snoop, I should point out that by ‘got to’ I mean ‘was forced to’, because this was on a train, and she was talking very loud, and the train was packed so I could not simply move and give her privacy, so what could I do BUT listen?
Anyway, it turns out that this was a very important phone call. You see this woman was talking to one of her girlfriends, and it turns out that a mutual girlfriend of theirs was talking to another of her girlfriends, who was not a girlfriend of either of these girlfriends, and this mutual girlfriend was concerned that even though her and her girlfriend who was not a girlfriend of these girlfriends was a good girlfriend, but that their conversation had meandered along in a boring fashion. She was not sure whether or not the conversation was in fact boring or whether she had simply ceased to be stimulated by this girlfriend. So she called her girlfriend, the one on the phone, and reenacted the conversation for her, as word to word perfect as she could remember, to see if in fact the conversation was boring, or whether something else was causing her malaise. Her girlfriend, the one I could hear on the phone now, was not sure if the conversation between her girlfriend and a girlfriend of her girlfriend who was not her girlfriend was boring or not, so she was now calling her girlfriend and reenacting the reenactment of the original conversation in hope that the truth about whether or not the conversation that had taken place earlier, involving neither of the people currently talking, was in fact a boring conversation. It turns out that the very original conversation which had taken place, and may or may not have been boring, was a discussion on whether another mutual girlfriend of the two original conversers, but neither of the current people talking, should or should not have made the recent changes that she had made to her hair. Despite these current two girlfriends now talking seemingly having never met this girlfriend who had changed her hair, they were now breaking down the conversation that had been had about her hair, and debating certain elements of it, such as the tone and seriousness, at least as it had been reenacted to the girlfriend I could now hear talking, beat by beat, to figure out if a. the conversation had been boring and b. where the boredom stemmed from, either their mutual girlfriend, or the girlfriend neither of them knew. After a good twenty plus minutes of discussion they ultimately came to the conclusion that yes, the original conversation had been boring, but no, they could not pinpoint where the boredom originated so they could not give advice to their mutual girlfriend as to whether or not she need to be worried that her girlfriendship with her girlfriend that neither of these girlfriends knew, was a girlfriendship she need be concerned about. There was however no word on whether the haircut had looked cute.
Now I know what your thinking – ‘Hey Dave, yeah sure, awesome conversation to get, nay be forced, to overhear, but surely you have better ways things to get awesomeness from, so how did this make it the best day of your life?’
Well I’ll tell you good folk, because I learned lessons. Lessons such as:
- I can still get so bored that I start to try and remember my high school economics, so that should it ever come up, and it never has, I will remember how to explain the economic multiplier effect to people, even though I really never want to.
- Girls are stupid.
- I can call girls stupid for the way they’ll reenact a reenactment of a boring conversation to each other, right after I have reenacted the reenactment of the reenactment.
- Hypocrisy sucks.
- So does eavesdropping.
- Make sure you have enough battery in your phone to listen to music next time you idiot.
- I don’t the moniker ‘girlfriend’ to be used when talking about a friend.
- I don’t know, it’s just unnecessary alright?
- Today was the best day of my life.
- You HEARD it here first. See I did it, I proved you wrong about the hearing thing!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
I came up with a sweet idea for a movie today. Ok, here it is, so there’s a murder. Ok, this is already exciting right? You know, not that murder is exciting, especially when it’s motivated by a super sad reason, such as:
- Because someone said ‘hey’ to you, and you misheard them and thought they said ‘Haim’, which reminds of your favorite movie actor named Corey, and how he has sadly passed away, which reminds you of World War One, which was a place where other people also sadly passed away, which reminds you of Europe, where much of World War One took place, which reminds you of how last time you were in Europe you had a flight delayed because of fog, which was super frustrating, so you badly want retribution against them for saying hey to you. Or even..
Only it’s not real life, it’s a movie, so none of those things are sad anymore, and now instead they are badass.
Ok, but that’s only where the movie starts. It’s like the a catalyst now, in the movie, for other stuff to happen. Because the characters in the movie don’t know they are in a movie, they think it’s real life, even though there is dramatic music playing whenever they stare into space menacingly, which frankly would tip me off that I wasn’t in real life quite often, because I stare into space menacingly for at least six or seven hours a day.
(Wait – I just remembered in my dream last night I was hanging out with Larry David, and well, anyway it turns out that at some time in the future I will be going back in time and co-creating and co-writing Curb Your Enthusiasm, so you’re welcome fans).
So now, right, the cops show up on the scene of this murder, they might even find the murder weapon, but probably only if it’s something really sad, such as:
- A three-gallon barrel of smelling salts.
- A shiv made of dehydrated and sharpened sea salts.
- A packet of chips that had not been flavored properly at the factory and then when eaten had caused the eater to say ‘needs salt’ and then because of his lack of need for a drink, as he had planned to need, his beverage has gone unconsumed, leading to a shop keeper not selling as many drinks as he’d planned that day, so he worked later than he planned that day, meaning his car was still in it’s place, and it’s window has been smashed and used as a stabbing thing, or even…
- So much salt you could crush a man to death with it.
Only this is a movie, so it’s not sad, instead it’s badass. Plus the concession stand has lots of packets of salt for any viewers who may otherwise be bummed out when they find out what the weapon was.
So now the movie really kicks into gear. The cop’s come up with someone they call a ‘suspect’. But here is the twist, the person they think did it, the murder that is, well it turns out that he didn’t do it!
Now the movie starts to pump along. The cop’s come up with another person they think might have done it, the murder that is. But here is the twist, it turns out that this person didn’t do it either!
Now the movie picks up super speed. The cop’s think ‘man, now we have no idea who did it’. But here is the twist. It turns out that the first person they thought did it, but who didn’t do it, actually DID do it.
So now the movie is going so goddamn fast that if it doesn’t end really soon, it will get tangled in its own feet, and trip, and no one wants that to happen. So yeah, we all agree that this guy did do it, and even though we made it clear earlier that it couldn’t possibly of been him, we now show that it really was him. But here is the twist, maybe it wasn’t him. But maybe it was. But then it can’t have been. But then it definitely was. Or was it?
Now that all sounds really sad, but you’re forgetting, this isn’t real life, it’s a movie, so it’s badass.
I’d make this movie too, only I won’t, because I don’t really like some of the things in this movie, such as:
- Corey Haim using metaphors about people running so fast they trip into twists about things that would be sad if they weren’t in a movie so now they’re badass, even while having a dream about Larry David, or even…
- Beverages that were not consumed.
But here’s the twist, none of those things were part of my day today, which is why it has been the best day of my life.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
I just wrote that headline, up there, at the head of this blog, that’s just a line of words, I wonder if that’s where that word comes from? Like it’s literal. I always thought it was because it came from someone’s head. Unlike most of the other lines that make up most newspaper columns, which come mostly from the moldy donut in the break room that has been typing furiously for 82 years, and ain’t no one is willing to even ask questions about it. ‘It’s doing the job, we ain’t messing with that’ is a very profound quote that I think would be the type of thing that the head editor of the newspaper where the donut writes would say. Although no one knows for sure, because no one bothered to write down the stuff he said.
Where was I? Oh yes, I wrote the headline for today’s blog without really thinking about what, if anything, it meant. The point is that this evening I went and saw a movie in the cinema where I used to see movies when I was at University. It was a bit of a homecoming, you might say. It put me in a reflective, nostalgic, and warm place. Which is weird because my university days were bleak, forgetful and cold.
Truth be told I chose not to dig deep into those wistful feelings this evening, I chose to instead just feel them, and not try to get any meaning or answers from them. This is rare for me; I normally overthink the fuck out of absolutely everything. I am currently even overthinking how to best express the sentiment that I way overthink, even though I know it’s something I have stated clearly in this very paragraph, and doesn’t need anymore stating, especially seeing as I genuinely don’t want to write about my overthinking issues, especially as one of the things about today that made it the best day of my life was the very absence of this overthinking in this one particular scenario. I just felt the feelings. I liked feeling them. Case solved. Or done. Or it wasn’t really a case, just, you know – that was it, because that was all it needed to be.
So I wrote tonight’s headline just from thinking ‘I might put the word “home” in there somewhere and see if it leads me anywhere’. Then without thinking anymore found myself typing ‘home is where the best day of your life is’ and then I stopped briefly. ‘Man, I could seriously unpack a line like that, the fact that it came out of my brain tonight is probably some sign that I need to do some serious thinking about where I am, where home is to me, what I want to do with the rest of my life, the immediate future, the rest of the evening, what do I want to do on Tuesday February 12th 2039, do I want to get online and look up whether or not February 12th 2039 is actually going to happen on a Tuesday, if it is and I just picked that date at random does that mean anything, what if that’s the day I end up dying and by some fluke these blogs are found and people start to look at as some sort of Nostradamus, only way more talented, and probably better looking, although I am basing that on likely grooming, showering and fashion trends of our respective times rather than any genuine thoughts that I am better looking than him, or anyone for that matter, and why do I say things like that, is it so bad to even think for a moment that I may be better looking than another human being, no one is going to judge me because of that, unless they do, and then that’s going to make me feel like shit isn’t it, unless they judge me favorably because of it, holy fuck I think out of six hundred million times I have felt like I am going to get judged because of something this, right now, is the first time it’s occurred to me that you can be judged favorably, wow, what does that mean?’
But then before I had the chance to write about what that headline may or may not mean, I got lost of a tangent or two, and remembered how nice it was to feel something nice and then not overthink it. So I choose not to think about what that headline means, or how it could be broken down and analyzed. I choose to feel warmth.
Ps. Some people say that newspapers are not written by a moldy donut at all and think anyone who thinks they are is nothing short of a moron, in fact you’ll often even hear them screaming out at night ‘it’s not a moldy donut that writes papers you fucking idiot, it’s a moldy bagel!’ But then who really can tell after all these many years of mold build up. It’s what’s in the middle of the mold that really identifies and represents the truth of what a person, or bakery item, you are. Oh fuck, if I was in the mood, I could totally overanalyze that.