I came up with a sweet idea for a movie today. Ok, here it is, so there’s a murder. Ok, this is already exciting right? You know, not that murder is exciting, especially when it’s motivated by a super sad reason, such as:
- Because someone said ‘hey’ to you, and you misheard them and thought they said ‘Haim’, which reminds of your favorite movie actor named Corey, and how he has sadly passed away, which reminds you of World War One, which was a place where other people also sadly passed away, which reminds you of Europe, where much of World War One took place, which reminds you of how last time you were in Europe you had a flight delayed because of fog, which was super frustrating, so you badly want retribution against them for saying hey to you. Or even..
Only it’s not real life, it’s a movie, so none of those things are sad anymore, and now instead they are badass.
Ok, but that’s only where the movie starts. It’s like the a catalyst now, in the movie, for other stuff to happen. Because the characters in the movie don’t know they are in a movie, they think it’s real life, even though there is dramatic music playing whenever they stare into space menacingly, which frankly would tip me off that I wasn’t in real life quite often, because I stare into space menacingly for at least six or seven hours a day.
(Wait – I just remembered in my dream last night I was hanging out with Larry David, and well, anyway it turns out that at some time in the future I will be going back in time and co-creating and co-writing Curb Your Enthusiasm, so you’re welcome fans).
So now, right, the cops show up on the scene of this murder, they might even find the murder weapon, but probably only if it’s something really sad, such as:
- A three-gallon barrel of smelling salts.
- A shiv made of dehydrated and sharpened sea salts.
- A packet of chips that had not been flavored properly at the factory and then when eaten had caused the eater to say ‘needs salt’ and then because of his lack of need for a drink, as he had planned to need, his beverage has gone unconsumed, leading to a shop keeper not selling as many drinks as he’d planned that day, so he worked later than he planned that day, meaning his car was still in it’s place, and it’s window has been smashed and used as a stabbing thing, or even…
- So much salt you could crush a man to death with it.
Only this is a movie, so it’s not sad, instead it’s badass. Plus the concession stand has lots of packets of salt for any viewers who may otherwise be bummed out when they find out what the weapon was.
So now the movie really kicks into gear. The cop’s come up with someone they call a ‘suspect’. But here is the twist, the person they think did it, the murder that is, well it turns out that he didn’t do it!
Now the movie starts to pump along. The cop’s come up with another person they think might have done it, the murder that is. But here is the twist, it turns out that this person didn’t do it either!
Now the movie picks up super speed. The cop’s think ‘man, now we have no idea who did it’. But here is the twist. It turns out that the first person they thought did it, but who didn’t do it, actually DID do it.
So now the movie is going so goddamn fast that if it doesn’t end really soon, it will get tangled in its own feet, and trip, and no one wants that to happen. So yeah, we all agree that this guy did do it, and even though we made it clear earlier that it couldn’t possibly of been him, we now show that it really was him. But here is the twist, maybe it wasn’t him. But maybe it was. But then it can’t have been. But then it definitely was. Or was it?
Now that all sounds really sad, but you’re forgetting, this isn’t real life, it’s a movie, so it’s badass.
I’d make this movie too, only I won’t, because I don’t really like some of the things in this movie, such as:
- Corey Haim using metaphors about people running so fast they trip into twists about things that would be sad if they weren’t in a movie so now they’re badass, even while having a dream about Larry David, or even…
- Beverages that were not consumed.
But here’s the twist, none of those things were part of my day today, which is why it has been the best day of my life.
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