On Compliments

'I'm telling you Margery, I'm not going to the beach house again' I said to Margery, an empty chair.

Margery always wants to go there, but I hate it, she knows I'm allergic to fun near large bodies of water. 

But I didn't feel like having an argument with her again so I instead complimented her face. Which is something females appreciate.

'Good face' you'll say.

'Thanks, I appreciate that' they'll respond. 

This isn't your only option to achieve appreciation of course. You can also attempt the following: 

- 'Good head'. For this one make sure you point at her head to avoid misunderstandings. I don't think I need to tell you how THAT could be misconstrued, but just because something isn't needed doesn't mean it's not provided - she may think you mean the head of a beer, and if she hasn't just poured you one you'll be in TROUBLE! She may even say things like 'stop your sarcasm, or else I may just stop sucking your dick and pour you a beer'. And that's dangerous for her to say with a dick in her mouth. 

- 'Good general collection of nose, mouth, eyes and related features'. For this one make sure you you add 'like eye brows and such' or else they may think you're complimenting their skin, um sorry, if I'm going to compliment your skin I'll say 'holy christ you are CRAP at growing zits, what a fucking loser'. 

- 'Good non-head parts, they go good with your head'. This one's a trick, because it only compliments their head once they realize that 'good' non-head parts only compliment a 'good' head, that's what compliments mean. That's why that song 'bad to the bone' added 'ba ba ba ba ba bad' after referencing the parts to the bone being bad, because 'that means bad head and bad non-head parts implied', was a line that was already implied by the early description. It was a bold move by the writer too, because 'that mean bad head, and bad non-head parts implied' would have been WAY catchier, but they chose integrity, and the public responded with praise. 

- 'You're freakin' dumb'. This ones obvious, good heads hold dumb brains, that's just fact. 

'Thanks, I appreciate that' they'll respond, if you say any of those. 

Of course Margery didn't respond 'thanks, I appreciate that' as she has no face, I'd forgotten. She's an empty chair. Margery instead responded 'screw you, now you are definitely taking me to the beach house'.

So here I am again at the beach house, facing my allergic reaction to having fun near a large body of water, normally it manifests itself in a mild rash, itchy eyes and hallucinations that can have me talking to inanimate objects, but I'm not TOO worried, I've asked Margery to poke me if I start doing anything weird, but I know I will do something, you don't choose you're allergies. 

'Then why did you buy a beach house, you must be stupid!' I hear you saying.

Thanks, I appreciate that. 

The Best Day of my Life Assignment – an Epiphany of Euphoria

 It was an idea of awesomeness, a brilliant suggestion; I'd even go as far as to say it was an Epiphany of Euphoria! Wow that’s an awesome collection of words, that’s almost title worthy!

This idea could change the world, and I mean in a good way! Unlike those world changing ideas those pesky evil dictators come up with. Seems to me that if someone wrote 'Vote for me and I'll become an Evil Dictator' on their campaign posters you'd be wary of voting for them, mostly cause of that word there 'evil', yet they still get voted in all the time.

Also saying vote 'for me' for that matter, aren't you really voting for a conglomerate of people, ideas, ideologies, and well-tailored business attires? Vote for me, um no, you egotistical fuck. Then again, at least those people who put the words 'Evil Dictator' in their campaign posters are honest. They don't have to put that in there you know. Plus advertising copy is often charged per word, and I'm sure they considered dropping the word 'evil' to save a few bucks but thought 'no, if I'm going to do this I'm going to do it in the honorable way'. And I applaud that.

Well my idea is honorable sure, but to get me a little further away from the evil dictators I now share honor with, I'm going to go ahead and point out that my idea is also pure genius.

Are you ready?

I decided late last night that instead of waking up every day...

Wait I should put some context in here. My days go as follows. I wake up every day hating everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Myself, my life, my work, my environment, the construction work that never ceases near my home, my first pee of the day, everything I need to get done that day, my alarm, my back up alarm, the invention of hitting snooze that promises the joy of getting to go back to sleep but never points out that this means no matter how many times you hit it you also have to cop the utter horror of waking up again, the air we breath and even the delicious smell of cookies baking in the oven, which I hate for never existing in my home.

Then the day happens. Yadda yadda yadda, have a few laughs, get some work done.

Then as bedtime approaches I love everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Myself, my life, my work, my environment, the lovely silence and I never want to sleep, I want to embrace this, I want to enjoy feeling good, especially as I know that come morning it'll all have gone away. I love anything on TV, I love playing guitar, sketching, scratching at mosquito bites, eating so many cookies I can no longer feel my left arm, literally anything except trying to sleep.

Still, even with the knowledge of this pattern, I constantly make late night plans for the early morn that are positive and productive in nature, only to wake up and hate that I ever thought of them.

As was the case last night. I decided at about 4am I would get up at a reasonable hour, and go to a place I think people call 'cafe', and have something people call ‘coffee’ and start getting some work done. Of which I currently have epic amounts, learning lines for a play I’m acting in soon, editing a web-series, promoting a festival show and a book, getting ready for a big stand up competition I am in tonight, and even some proper person jobs like dealing with bills and the like.

Now get this, when I went to sleep last night I promised myself that this morning I would still like the idea of trying out this coffee idea. But when I woke up I discovered this idea to be more horrible than anything any evil dictator has ever made me do.

So we finally reach the brilliant idea…. Ready?

Even though I really, really didn’t feel like it - I decided that I might… ready?

Do it anyway.

And I pulled it off. I even got a little work done while I was there. I even forgave the café after I asked for a large and they said they ‘don’t have large only regular’. Your largest size is the large you stupid fucks. ‘Regular’ should only be for regulars who order the same thing all the time so you can say ‘my usual please’. Yes, they get to call it both a regular and a usual, because they are loyal and that should be respected. Something you only ever get sporadically cannot be ‘regular’. Regular requires routine and consistency, over a period of time, and don’t you dare fucking think that I will ‘regularly’ buy shit from a place who doesn’t know this! I mean come on. Next thing you know some places will start calling their smallest size ‘medium’ and their largest size ‘extra large’ so that people who don’t read their menus closely who want the middle size will end up with a small, and people who want the biggest size will end up with a medium. Nah, that could never happen, that’s just too goddamn stupid. Actually even worse, some places my start calling; say the largest pizzas they sell, ‘family size’. So what just cause I don’t hang out with my family much I can’t get your biggest size, you fucking ‘famliests’.

Famliest – person who carries prejudices against people based on their current family relation preferences or realities.

So yeah, this ‘do it anyway’ thing has worked out well. I might even try it again tomorrow. Plus the day isn’t even at the half way point, and it's already the best of my life!

Alright, now the awesome idea – it’s a chair right, but it’s also a hat, so all day it sits on your head making you look cool, but then if you need to sit you just flip the tables on it (to use a term that’s super insulting to chairs) and sit right down. I reckon I could sell millions!!! Who wants to invest?