Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Always Watching


Roger decided to relocate one of his eyes to his upper left shoulder.

'I've had it' he explained to his surgeon 'everyone has their eyes in the exact same place, well except for the occasional child born from first cousins, but even then it's only like on the other side of the cheek, but where is the originality, where is the risk taking and how do people keep an eye on their butler while he dusts near their precious jewels without awkwardly pointing their heads at them?'

The surgeon was convinced; that he had enough money to afford the surgery that is, and the operation proceeded with minimum fuss. Roger was as happy as Larry with the results, Larry being his pool boy who earned a full time, yearlong wage, even though Roger was still only in the 'thinking of putting in a pool' phase.

Still, despite the success of the operation Roger did discover some problems:

- With no ears on his arms he had to staple on his glasses, then tweeze them out and staple on sunglasses when the sun was out, a rather awkward and frustrating process, particularly annoying during picnics on 'partially cloudy' days.
- He had it put on his stronger left arm, because as he'd thought at the time 'I want strong vision', forgetting that he kept his precious jewels to the right of his sofa, requiring a total remodeling of his jewel/ television room.
- His new facial eye-patch would get sweaty and then stink, meaning everyone thought he was giving them the stink eye.
- He began to have to wear a form of shirt people kept referring to as a 'wife beater' even though he insisted 'I don't have a wife, I have a girlfriend, and while I beat her black and blue five times a week, it's only in chess, on our fancy black and blue colored pieces set, where we switch sides after every game, because we are in a loving, sharing and non-violent household, although she did once fall down the stairs after slipping on a silk neck tie I'd dropped there, on our way to passionately making love, so I guess you could accurately say I once fucked her into the hospital'.
- An eye on the shoulder isn't wired to the brain, so what it sees isn't registered anywhere anyway, rendering it pointless.

'Still, at least I tried something new' Roger thought to himself with pride, as he sipped wine from his peacock skull goblet, through his mouth that was now located on his right butt cheek. Perhaps if he'd put his eye on that arm he'd have noticed that his food and beverages now bypassed his stomach and spilled out a hole behind his right knee, and despite eating and drinking ample quantities of nutrients he starved to death.

His surgeon, having mysteriously come into some money, bought a beach house, AND just lucked into finding a hardworking, honest butler, fresh on the job market, whom she married. Larry is still waiting to see if a pool will be built. He hopes not. He doesn’t know how to take care of a pool.

Getting to know me

I feel like people don't know me well enough, and I don't feel well when I feel not well known, so here's a little more about me...

I'm the kind of guy who likes to write himself 'things to do lists', and then chastise myself for not ticking the things off the list more rapidly, mostly because I typically write them on my phone and scratching tick marks on my phone makes looking through strangers Facebook profiles seem odd. 

Common thought: 'why did she get a tick for THAT, oh no, that's right, that was the tick I scratched for finally scientifically proving that seven is too many ferrets to keep in ones pants'. 

Now while there is nothing typical about my to do lists, the only things I do regularly are eat gnats and bathe in zebra sweat, and I don't need reminders to remember to do those, I still thought it might be interesting to share a typical one of my personal to do lists so that you can get a better understanding of some of things I planned to achieve over the following twenty focus hours. Here is yesterday's...

Things To Do: 

- Remind my uncle Sven that I've always found him annoying, and creepy to have stick fights with. I get it, if your hold a stick to your crotch it looks like you have a big, wooden, knotty dick, you do that joke every time, just get on with smacking me in the face with it please. 
- Put on seventeen kilos of pure muscle and lose seventeen kilos of pure fat, then realize that was way too much of both of those, so lose seventeen kilos of muscle and gain seventeen kilos of fat, then think 'wow I'm awesome at weight manipulation, if I could somehow get a good body I could teach a class'!
- Convince the US senate to have a 'dress as your favorite señor day'. It'll be enlightening to see who they choose, and endlessly fun to hear them say 'can you repeat that Señor Senator Steve'.
- Convince the US congress to make a law requiring every senator to legally change their name to 'Steve'.
- Convince the UN to hold a new Geneva convention and make it a basic fact of human rights that if you're a senator you have to listen to what your congress decides. This may have some ramifications for other law making procedures, but if we can't trust congress to not exploit loopholes, then we should stop teaching Boy Scouts how to knot them.
- Convince the galactic organization of galactic law to make it so UN decisions actually affect various countries domestic policies. 
- Buy milk. 
- Make sure my To Do list is ordered right, I'd hate to get laws passed only to find out that I wasted my opportunity because I'd needed other laws to pass before those laws were passed. I think this is what people mean when they say 'I got wasted last night and passed out'. 
- Take a break from politics for long enough to break a politicians nose.
- Switch DNAs with a homeless person so I can't get convicted for the assault.
- Think of a funny pun using 'assault' in the place of 'salt'.
- Apologize to Pepper for never including it in my dastardly deeds.
- Eat a watch.
- Tell someone 'yeah I've got the time, time to improve my diet, am I right'? 
- Explain to them how hilarious they'd have found that if they knew I'd eaten a watch.
- Take a nap.
- Give a nap.
- Nap a taker and give them to my uncle Sven as a stick fighting slave. 
- Figure out why I ticked that guys selfie of him with a frog? 

This was yesterday's list and I'm sorry to say looking back on it that I failed to get it all done, I totally forgot to buy milk or figure out why I'd ticked that selfie, but I'm still glad I write to do lists. Now I'm off to visit my uncle in hospital, he somehow got himself something called 'stick wounds'.