Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Getting to know me

I feel like people don't know me well enough, and I don't feel well when I feel not well known, so here's a little more about me...

I'm the kind of guy who likes to write himself 'things to do lists', and then chastise myself for not ticking the things off the list more rapidly, mostly because I typically write them on my phone and scratching tick marks on my phone makes looking through strangers Facebook profiles seem odd. 

Common thought: 'why did she get a tick for THAT, oh no, that's right, that was the tick I scratched for finally scientifically proving that seven is too many ferrets to keep in ones pants'. 

Now while there is nothing typical about my to do lists, the only things I do regularly are eat gnats and bathe in zebra sweat, and I don't need reminders to remember to do those, I still thought it might be interesting to share a typical one of my personal to do lists so that you can get a better understanding of some of things I planned to achieve over the following twenty focus hours. Here is yesterday's...

Things To Do: 

- Remind my uncle Sven that I've always found him annoying, and creepy to have stick fights with. I get it, if your hold a stick to your crotch it looks like you have a big, wooden, knotty dick, you do that joke every time, just get on with smacking me in the face with it please. 
- Put on seventeen kilos of pure muscle and lose seventeen kilos of pure fat, then realize that was way too much of both of those, so lose seventeen kilos of muscle and gain seventeen kilos of fat, then think 'wow I'm awesome at weight manipulation, if I could somehow get a good body I could teach a class'!
- Convince the US senate to have a 'dress as your favorite señor day'. It'll be enlightening to see who they choose, and endlessly fun to hear them say 'can you repeat that Señor Senator Steve'.
- Convince the US congress to make a law requiring every senator to legally change their name to 'Steve'.
- Convince the UN to hold a new Geneva convention and make it a basic fact of human rights that if you're a senator you have to listen to what your congress decides. This may have some ramifications for other law making procedures, but if we can't trust congress to not exploit loopholes, then we should stop teaching Boy Scouts how to knot them.
- Convince the galactic organization of galactic law to make it so UN decisions actually affect various countries domestic policies. 
- Buy milk. 
- Make sure my To Do list is ordered right, I'd hate to get laws passed only to find out that I wasted my opportunity because I'd needed other laws to pass before those laws were passed. I think this is what people mean when they say 'I got wasted last night and passed out'. 
- Take a break from politics for long enough to break a politicians nose.
- Switch DNAs with a homeless person so I can't get convicted for the assault.
- Think of a funny pun using 'assault' in the place of 'salt'.
- Apologize to Pepper for never including it in my dastardly deeds.
- Eat a watch.
- Tell someone 'yeah I've got the time, time to improve my diet, am I right'? 
- Explain to them how hilarious they'd have found that if they knew I'd eaten a watch.
- Take a nap.
- Give a nap.
- Nap a taker and give them to my uncle Sven as a stick fighting slave. 
- Figure out why I ticked that guys selfie of him with a frog? 

This was yesterday's list and I'm sorry to say looking back on it that I failed to get it all done, I totally forgot to buy milk or figure out why I'd ticked that selfie, but I'm still glad I write to do lists. Now I'm off to visit my uncle in hospital, he somehow got himself something called 'stick wounds'. 

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