Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Don't say this out loud

If you get into a sign language argument with a deaf friend while they're brandishing swords then watch out! Your friend may have found themselves an interesting hobby, and after this argument they may want to tell you all about it!

Also why argue? Why not ask about the swords, that's interesting right? Swords man! Better than a stupid argument at least.

Also good for you for learning sign language so you can speak to your deaf friend.

Also, watch out! Sign language with swords is dangerous!

I hope if you died four years ago we didn't just find out

If you had a huge pile of notes wouldn't you want someone to randomly pick at them? Also don't you dare discount Marvin Hamlisch you bastards.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Today in secrets

You know those bookshelves which are actually secret doorways? Well they are strange because ALL bookshelves are secret doorways - well, if you consider reading a secret - and you consider the imagination a doorway - and you can deal with the cruel reality that the boring 'book shelf' could have therefore been instead called the far more bad ass 'reading imagination' - and you can handle that this alternative name is actually sort of confusing as it references a secret doorway that is only metaphorical - and you're not too lazy to read a book - and you're not offended that I used the word 'lazy' to describe non-book readers - and you're not upset that I'm seemingly discounting all the hard lifting done by the shelf itself on a book shelf - especially if it holds reference books - which aren't really the kind of books that open secret doorways - but are heavy and frankly why should bookshelves hold a secret doorway - why isn't holding up big heavy stuff enough for you people? Would you like to hold up books all day for people to 'maybe' read the spine of - no you wouldn't - unless you would - in which case maybe you're the one hiding secrets!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A documentary - the making of episode one of In Bed with Charlie and Dave

Dave and Charlie wanted to do a talk show in bed but were too lazy to do it right, here is a documentary about how it all went down, and also the first episode. Dave forgot to pretend to read the bit about pretending to do 'may the force be with you' in a German accent.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Elmo has more secrets than you think

With the Elmo scandal escalating today it's a good time to point out that I know how he got away with it for so long, he is super super smart, and I proved his intelligence over a year ago!

Monday, November 19, 2012

What the hell is going on?

I haven't posted much recently, mostly because I have been really busy, but also because in a post recently I promised to start blogging daily, mostly as a challenge to myself, and when I set myself a challenge you better believe that makes me lazy.

Then again, fuck you for calling me lazy, I am really, really busy! With what? You may have asked, well I'll tell you, I guess. I mean I actually only came on to this blog today to try and see if I can get my twitter linked up so that if anyone comes looking at this page and are disappointed not to find a new blog they can at least see what I have been tweeting about, because I can do those with my phone when I am out and about, and now that I think about I can probably blog with my phone these days (hhhhmmm... stay tuned for some extremely poorly edited brain dumps as soon as I can figure out how) and anyway, the twitter link isn't working , so why not actually write something, like about what I have been up to?

- I have started back up at full time acting school! At Stella Adler in Los Angeles to be precise! That's one of the really well regarded and respected ones... ooooohhh. One of the biggest reasons I got into the arts is because I just can't handle the early mornings of a normal job. So I now have class really early mornings most days. It's fun. The other day I fell asleep while lying on the ground doing breathing exercises in voice class, and I, and technically this means that I am narcoleptic, but when I fall asleep I fall instantly into REM sleep, and when a man is rocking to REM he usually gets an erection (which is why Michael Stipe copped so many gay rumors), and when a man gets an erection somewhere he doesn't want it (like class) it is very hard to make it go away, and seriously, no exaggeration, the exercises we did for the next five/ ten minutes were to work on loosening our lower abdominal muscles by lying in our back lifting our bottoms off the ground and making circles with our pelvises. So yes, I will be a movie star soon.

- My new book 'The Embarrassing Memory Murderer' is finally definitely coming out, the final draft was sent to the publishers last week, and I am talking to all sorts of people about covers, back cover blurbs, author bios and photos, and just why the hell I am choosing to publish a book full of so many horrifically embarrassing things about myself. There are things in this book that make the story above seem like the time I found money on the ground and spent it on treats for myself. This thing is going to humiliate the hell out of me, and possibly cost me many friends and opportunities. I will tell you all how to get it as soon as I know.

- I also want to start releasing a bunch of books I have written over the years as e-books, to your right there is now a place you can vote for which one you think I should do first, if I actually get some votes then I will actually follow what you say! Yes! I may even do a blog soon with some synopsises so you know what you're voting for, and also to give you an excuses to say synsopsises. 

- I burned my tongue on hot things lots of times, seriously Dave, if it's hot blow

- Oh last weekend I ended a long lasting no puke stretch by puking on a tree next to two fast food drive through queues and halfway though a spider climbed out of the mess, so that was fun.

I am forgetting a bunch of other stuff, but who cares, I am tired, have homework to do and have class again in 30 minutes. I hope I fall asleep again, there are some things on the ceiling there that really need to be pointed out.