Today is the best day of my life. I am really enjoying writing that
everyday, it is an instant pick me up. Having said that I normally write it
right at the end of the day and today I am instead writing it pretty much in
the middle of my waking hours, and that’s a whole new ball game for me. Wait,
the day can already be the best day of my life before it’s even half way over?
Why the hell not? I could even take that energy and positivity into the second
half my day and making it an even BETTER day, or even go to bed at a reasonably
time for once and make it so this ends up actually being three quarters of the
way through my day. The choice is mine!!! Wooo ha ha.
The world is my oyster even, which must be one of the stupidest sayings
ever coined, and as I have proven of the past couple of days, I am a marvelous
coiner, so I will improve, if not obliterate, that saying right now, with a
masterfully crafted better saying – here goes – the world is my (insert any
words here). Boom. Plus literally any word or words work better than fucking
oyster.
The world is my gored out eyeball.
Yes, makes sense, because you have clearly been in the company of some
form of gore capable man or beast, and even though you lost an eye, you
survived, although that saying suggests that you are in fact the eye itself in
this scenario, which means you are the valiant soldier who laid his life on the
sword, possibly literally, to save the rest of the battalion. Well the dude you
used to be part of may have also lost an arm, we don’t have the full
information here – but I’d rather be a lost eye than a lost arm – a lost eye is
a way creepier thing to be rolling around in the after life. Plus you can see!
Sure a wandering arm can grab shit, but what would you ever want to grab in a
world where you have no mouth for food, or genitalia to manipulate? Ok, maybe
the odd ball for some form of sporting entertainment, but screw that.
Then again as an eye you would have to put up with constant mocking from
the other random body parts, in what I assume is a separate section, or region,
in the an afterlife which I am sure would be prejudice against body parts that
died before the rest of its hosts bodies, I mean you can’t be an arm that died
at age twenty and then re-hook up with the rest of the body that aged until it
was well and truly wrinkled and liver spotted. I mean if that was going to
happen then our old baby teeth would be waiting for us, and dare I say it, all
the hair, and finger nails, and toe nails, and weird other nails that grow on
our abdomens to show us where our dead fraternal twins used to be attached to
us. No one wants to re-connect with that stuff in the next life, except
baldies, but they aren’t real men, so screw em! (He he – my bald friends will
be pissed).
The point is that I am having a great day. I actually did something that
I am proud of today. I got severely shortchanged with my change when buying my
lunch today. And by the way, all the people who have adopted the phrase ‘shortchanged’
when not talking about literal change, being change in monetary forms, rather
than say a Chinese person getting plastic surgery to look more Mongolian.
Actually that just reminded me, in Western pharmacies and drug stores there are
huge sections dedicated to bronzers, artificial tans, and other weird skin
darkening concoctions, but then when I was travelling Asia I found that in
pharmacies these didn’t exist, but in their place was skin whitening creams and
potions. I think there is a lesson in universal truth here – humans really are
all the same on the inside – fucking idiots. Wait, ok, my story. So my food was
supposed to cost $14, and I paid with $20 and only got $3 change. None of which
are $16 so the title of this blog makes sense! Yay.
Now, I didn’t notice this shortchanging until I had walked a fair way
away from the food court where I purchased my lunch, and upon finally noticing
I had a version of the following mini-anxiety attack on my brain.
‘Oh fuck I got shortchanged, what do I do? I can’t go back can I? I
don’t want to deal with that, I don’t want to have that argument, I don’t want
to make the employee who did it look or feel bad, what if it got them fired,
what if it gets them in trouble, I would feel awful if that happened, four
bucks isn’t worth that at all is it? Oh and then I have walked so far away, I
can’t just hold up the three dollars and say you gave me too little, they will
say ‘no you just put the other four dollars in your pocket’, and suddenly I am
being accused of attempting to rip off THEM. I hate being accused of being a
criminal. Whenever I buy a newspaper I always fan it out and make it clear that
I haven’t shoved a magazine or chocolate or something in-between the pages,
just because I knew a few kids who did that twenty-five odd years ago, so know
it’s something that the people selling magazines and newspapers probably have
to be on the look out for, and I don’t want to ever have them even ask to check
my paper, because if they do I will assume that they are deciding I look like
someone who would steal, and the mere thought of having someone think that
about me causes me all sorts of anxiety. So I do not want these Thai ladies to
accuse me of stealing four dollars, even if the truth is that they stole four
dollars from me.
Plus the lady standing right there is the one who I assume always makes
fun of me whenever I am there, in Thai, even though I can’t speak Thai and for
all I know she is saying ‘wow, this guy again, I still say I’d give up an arm
and a leg for an hour with him naked’ which would be fucking awesome to find
out someone had thought about me before, and an arm and a leg? You’re
condemning your limbs to not being the coolest body parts in body part heaven,
wait I just realized I never finished my thought above on why an eye would be
mocked in said heaven ‘you’re an eye, how did you not see the bull horn coming
to gore you, seeing stuff is literally your only job’ – and to finish the
thought this paragraph intended to make, that lady, I don’t like her, she is
always talking about me in Thai, and then laughing, and although I don’t want
to write too much about her because this blog is already about twice as long as
I intended, and because I have written about her extensively in a novel I wrote
ages ago, and may actually attempt to publish at some point, called ‘A walk on the
crows nest’ – please contact me publishers – she is the last person I want now
noticing me as some little whiney little idiot who needs to get his lost four
dollars back, ‘can’t handle losing four dollars, what a tight ass little loser
you are, and I would never think about being naked with you, let alone giving
up and arm and a leg’ and I don’t know why I am following on that nudity
thread, because I don’t want to be naked with her at all, just it would be nice
for someone to think those things about be sometime’.
‘Oh but what if they know that they shortchanged me and then think they
have something over me, that they are better than me, I eat there regularly, I
don’t want to continue to be shortchanged. I don’t want them to think that
money means nothing to be, and I am just a spoiled little shit who doesn’t have
to worry about such things, and ‘oh look, this guy can lose a third of an hours
wage for us and doesn’t even notice, he thinks he’s better than us, lets spit
and put snot in his food, or worse some oyster sauce, eeewww oysters.’
Now normally in situations like this I think some form of the above, and
then leave and let that little snowball, snowball into a bigger snowball – like
a fucking giant one, and hate myself. Not today my friends, I went back, they apologized
a lot. I want to say I dropped the four dollars in some sort of charity bin,
but I didn’t actually do that, and even though I do sometimes do things like
that, I can’t believe I contemplated lying about it here, I’m going do it later,
I swear. And the Thai lady who always makes fun of me right in fun of me in
Thai didn’t make fun of me for one second during the whole exchange. That’s a
win in my books. And I survived the entire ordeal without losing even a single
body part to body part heaven. Yay.
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