Thursday, December 23, 2021

Things to say to a Flying Donkey you’ve awkwardly mistaken for one of Santa's reindeer

We’ve all been there - it’s Xmas day, you’ve been nogging on the egg, the whiskey sours have been too sweet to avoid, and you've gotten high as fuck on grandmas Xmas poetry reading… 

So … you take a break outside for some fresh air. Or to … “get a little sky fuel” as you like to say it to your fellow party goers, you cheeky bastard.  

You stroll out. The “fuel”  is crisp. The sky is open. It’s freeing. And it’s oh so dewy dewy fresh. And that’s The GOOD kind a dew (not like fucking dewy dewy stale - who let this dew go stale? If you're not going to use it, put it in the freezer dang it!) 

It’s been a magical day, a magical Christmas Day - and all this magic, well, that’s got you believin’ in magic my friend. 

So when you gaze upwards, the moon light dancing in your eyes, and you see two clouds separate, like a nail going into wood shown in reverse, and between those clouds you see a brown hooved beast flying towards you through the air, you can’t help but scream... 


Then it lands in front of you. A smile on its mullet that could raise a loaf of bread (“self” raising flour - my ass). And that’s when you realize.  

“Oh shit, I thought I was yayying one of Santa’s Reindeers, but this is just your run of the mill, stock of the trade, bland as a mule - flying donkey….


What do you do? 

Tell it - 'sorry I thought you were a flying reindeer'? 

No. That’ll hurt it’s feelings. 

Say - 'ooops, sorry, I thought you were someone else'? 

Nope. That’ll hurt it’s feelings. 

Think - 'Goop, I thought you were my flying donkey buddy “Sonnington” who I have a yaaayy greeting tradition with'?

No way. You don’t want to besmirch the name of your good friend the flying donkey  Sonnington- that’d hurt HIS feelings 

So what DO you do?

Well take it from me, someone who’s been there more times than I can count (I used to be able to count, until my buddy Sonnington back heeled me in the temple). You have nothing to fear. Follow MY tips and you too can avoid mistaken identity Social humiliation. 

So here they are, my personal, tried and tested:

Top Ten Things to say to a flying donkey to try and convince it that your glee upon seeing them wasn’t because you originally mistakenly thought they were one of Santa’s reindeers, and want to save face both for you and the bland donkey you’ve accidentally elevated to the level of “possibly interesting”, even though it isn't.  

1. Just admit it - maybe the flying donkey needs to know that it’s just that - a boring god damn run of the mill flying donkey.

2. Ask it - what the fuck is a mill anyway? 

3. And why is running said mill apparently bad?

4. Cause RUNNING just about anything has at least SOME panache right? Running a road crew, running a rowing crew or even crewing a road runners rabbit hunt! 

5. I mean you’re RUNNING IT - that means you’re in charge for fucks sake!

6. Top of the tree.

7. Milk of the teet.

8. Angel of the mass of space between here and heaven.

9. You RULE. 

10. Well you rule this weird pointless space at least. But rule you do. 

11. And what is that space called anyway? 

12. It's not heaven. It's not earth. It's got to be something. 

13. Whichever Angel was in charge of running the naming ceremony fucked THAT up BAD. 

14. Plus running?

15. That’s a dang OLYMPIC sport!

16. An event established in fine and historic nation of Greece.

17. A fine and historic nation that up till now has a fine and historic BAN on all flying Donkeys.

18. And Flying Honey Bangers.

19. AND AND AND flying Springboks! 

20. Sure they let in Flying reindeer- but do they do it from love? No. they do it from FEAR!

21. Not that flying hooved beasts are anything to be feared. 

22. So if you think I was judging you flying donkey, then you are wrong wrong….

23. Really Wrong. 

24. Look I'll just say it "Sorry dude, I thought you were a reindeer. My bad". 

25. But, In my defence I heard rudolf was once mistaken for a levitating warthog! 

26. And if you think you’re better than a levitating warthog then you’ve probably never heard the awesome Math Rock band - Levitating War Pig!

27. Did you think I was going to say Levitating Warthog? 

28. Ha ha , Like anyone would name a band after a “warthog”, ha ha ha.

29. See, we’re having a laugh now - nothing awkward about that

30. Saying “nothing awkward about that” is a bit awkward though…

31. Dang 

32. I’ve got carrots - want one?

33. Ok two 

34. Now ya love me!

35. Yay

36. I love me too 


Well I think We’ve answered this one:
Spotting a flying donkey instead of one of Santa’s reindeers ultimately leads to YOU finally being able to tell yourself that you love yourself


Thanks flying donkeys ! 

Todays blog was brought to you by: 

Levitating War Pig - the best Math rock band this side of the great pork-rock belt.  


“Self love - if you want it - then stay away from fucking Santa”. 


Mills - run one today - you’ll feel GREAT about yourself. 


Grandmas poetry - look most poetry sucks - not grandmas. Plus she made you soup! 



Wednesday, December 22, 2021

And Now The December Journal of "Chrissie Orment", The Christmas Ornament

Hi everyone, my name is Chrissie, um, Chrissie Orment, I live in Wisconsin USA, oh yeah, and I am a Christmas tree ornament. Um, so yeah, Fleeting Forever asked me to write a journal this month so you all could know what the Christmas period is like for us ornaments. Um. Here's a selfie of me, so you know what I look like and that... 


So yeah, here it goes. 

December 1st

It’s December again. It's been another tough year. But if I’m lucky I’ll be out of this storage box soon, and once again hanging out in the open, on the tree, bringing Christmas joy to everyone. 

I cannot wait. 

I’m so excited!

Then again, careful what you wish for Chrissie, you did this to yourself the last three years, the box opens earlier than ever, you think all your Christmases have come at once, and suddenly the complaining starts.

“You’re out too early,” 

"I don't want to see a tree yet"


"What's next hot cross buns in January?"

"I haven't even digested Thanksgiving yet!"

"What's this on my face, a spider? Aaagghhh, oh shit, no it was just a bit of tinsel. Tinsel already? AAGGGGGGAGG"

"No, not yet, NOOOOO"

The humans complainThey're ALWAYS complaining about how early we come out. 

Those bastards. "Hey, I don't want to hear you complaining dick. Try spending a year in a box and then have people MAD they let you out"

No no Chrissie, don't be like that. You're all about joy. So BE about joy. 

It's December, Christmas is coming, yay. 

December 3rd

Still in the box. Which is fine. Like I said, the it's too early. Sure I WANT to be out. I LOVE being out, so why wouldn't I want that? Yet, I don't LOVE when the humans complain about me and my friends being out. 

I try not to get angry. I really do. I'm all about joy! 

But...  I let it get to me some years. I just do. I get my feelings hurt. I cry. I start threatening to spot some human who is barefoot, and then time it just right, and then jump off the tree, crash into eighty glass pieces all over the floor and fuck up that barefoot for life. 

But it’s not worth it Chrissie. 

I remind myself. And it isn't. Plus I'm still in the box, so what are we arguing about anyway. 

Joy. Joy. Joy. 


December 4th 

I mean, Mike the bulb did that eight years ago, just dove right in front of a barefoot, and the human who's foot he went into was walking again by Valentines Day!

But where’s Mike now? 

Landfill. That’s where. 

Oh and that one little piece of him is still in that humans foot. But still. Hold it together. Be strong. The humans come around in the end.

Besides, still in the box, so yeah, it's irrelevant

December 12th 

Joy to the world. Joy Joy and more Joy. 

Still in the box. 

Which is great. It really is. Absolutely NO danger of being accused of being out too early this year. 


I was stressing for nothing. 

Just sitting tight in a box stressing for nothing. 

In a box, in an attic, in the dark. No reason to stress. 

Plus, Christmas is SOOOON. Well sooonish. 


December 13th 

Still in the box. 

December 14th 

Still in the box. 

December 15th 


Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Come on Chrissie. 

Fuck. I am ready to spread joy. Come on. Open the box. Lets get this on. 

December 16th 

Come on fuckers, this is getting ridiculous. I know you've had a hard year too, but us Ornaments and the other decorations are STILL IN A BOX! 

December 17th 

Fuckers, can you hear me, fuuucccckers!

Joy joy fucking joy. 

December 18th 

Alright just let us out. I get it humans. I do. You were ALSO worried about being "too early". Hey who amongst us has never worried about being "too early" if you know what I mean (if you don't I was referencing premature ejaculation). 

But hey, good news, you don't have to worry about it. It's December 18th. No one is going to call you "too early" this year. You nailed it! Congratulations buddy. Well done. 

Now, open up this little box, fling me and my friends on the tree, and let us spread some fucking joy, alright? 

December 19th 

Look, I am trying to be nice, but this is definitely NOT a "too early" scenario now. In fact you are very close to copping a "no decorations, what are ya some sort of grinch?" type comment. And you do NOT want that. And you know who else doesn't want that.... MEEEE! 

Come on Chrissie, Joy, all you need is Joy... Joy ta Joy ta Joy. 

December 20th

Fuck joy. 

Let us out of this box. OUTTT!! 

Hang us, and wrap us, and light us UP! Let's get this happening. 

December 21st 

Seriously, still not. We are STARS. Stars dang it. 

I mean Jeremy the star ornament is LITERALLY a star. 

People go crazy when they see us. Crazy for joy. Get us up. Up up up. 

December 22nd 

Then again, now that I think about it, no one EVER goes crazy for ME.

Hang on (a rad term by the way, reminds people of things that hang, rad stuff, like ornaments and shit) Sheila, the Angel, always gets “awwwwws”, and “oh it’s so wonderful”, and "wow, lovely, nice, an angel" and stuff like that. Sure, she's an angel. 

Horban, the picture of The Simpsons at Christmas, get's "Oh cool, I think I have seen that episode". Yay, good for him. He deserves it. It's a good TV show. 

And then Gary, the anatomically correct naked Jesus ornament, well he always gets laughs. Big laughs too. 

But those laughs are cheap. Shitty shock value laughs. "Hey look it's Jesus's dick" laughs. 

And I get that, normally a naked Jesus ornament has like the Ken Doll nothing, or a sheath. Gary has full dick and balls, hilarious. I'm not denouncing that. I enjoy a cheap laugh too. 

But then where are my laughs. 

I mean I am funny dang it. 

I am a Christmas ornament of a Christmas tree that’s hung ON a Christmas tree. It’s perfect fucking irony. 

A tree on a tree - why does a tree need a smaller tree? Is there an even smaller ornament of another tree on me? And then another on that? 

It's brilliant. It's a thought poker. And it's IRONIC. 

But these numbskulls don’t get irony do they? “Oh it’s Jesus’s penis, ha ha fa la la la la fuck you”. "A tree on a tree, I don't get it, let's look at Jesus's penis again". Fuck. 

December 23rd 

I bet that if I was in England I'd get laughs. 

Yeah, over there they’d get me. I’ve seen Ricky Gervais’s The Office Christmas special; those Brits love irony. Here in America though, not at all. 

You know what, I wish America had lost the damn War of Independence. Yeah I said it. The people would be toasting the Queen, and loving me. What a beautiful thought.

Then again, let’s face it. Regardless of whether I lived in England, America, or the United States of the British Empire, I know what happens, people see Gary and laugh, then they see me, I get no laugh, or maybe even I do get a laugh, but then they look six inches to my right and yell “yaaaaaayyy candy cane!” 

Candy Fucking Cane

The Christmas ornament that people can stick in their fat mouths. 

I just can’t compete with peppermint. Those assholes go nuts for them. I don’t get it. They don’t eat peppermint all year and yet now suddenly it’s like giving a dead squirrel to a wild dog. 

They rip em open with their teeth. Spit plastic on the floor. Suck on em till they’re pointy spikes, crunch them till they’re not sure if they’re eating shards of candy or shards of broken tooth, but they don’t care. 

"Just look over there idiots, there’s much better stuff to consume" I want to scream. "There’s snowmen shaped sugar cookies on that table, on the mantle there’s chocolate in the advent calendar, that bowl in the kitchen has sweet rum soaked salted caramel eggnog". Fuck, if I had a mouth I would deck the halls with the sound of me licking that bowl so clean the glass would turn back to sand. 

Stupid humans.

Then again, I guess that’s only the set up of a wealthy family’s house. 

I hope this year, if I ever get out of this fucking box, I hope I’m in the house of a REALLY rich family. 

Shit, that sounds so wrong when I write it down. I’m not a snob am I?

The thing is, there’s just more presents. It makes the whole picture of the tree much prettier. It’s ok that to want that right. It’s literally my job. Be part of a beautiful tree scenario. That's the gig. 

You know and something about joy I think. 

Why does Santa give more gifts to the rich anyway? It makes no sense. They already have more stuff. Then he claims the test is actually a naughty vs. nice battle? 

So a poor kid is all nice, and get’s squat, and rich little shit naughty fucks the world, and get lots? 


Oh wait a minute. No way. Holy fucking Night. Is Santa trying to teach Americans… IRONY! That fat genius. I love you Santa. And those idiot humans have no idea. Morons!

Joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy! 

December 24th

I don't CARE that I'm still in the box. I finally understand Christmas. Soon the world will all know what Irony is, and THEN when I am out, I will be the funniest fucking ornament EVER! 


I think I hear something. 

The attic stairs are opening. Hark now, hear the Angeles sing! Our box is moving. Shelia, Gary, everyone, wake up! 

Look the box is opening. Look, sunlight, tinsel, stockings, eggnog, SNOW! It’s all so beautiful. Yay. Oh my god I take it all back. This is the best. It’s here. It’s Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year! Joy to world, and Merry fucking Christmas everyone!

The End 


- Chrissie DID get some laughs this year. Although mostly because someone stuck her up the Angels butt. 

- The last bit of Mike finally fell out of the humans foot while he was getting a foot massage by a new lover - he cried like a baby - she found it "the sweetest thing ever" - they're getting married and have a "zero glass bauble policy" at their wedding. Sandra "Christmas All Year" Klops has yet to RSVP. 

- The anatomically correct naked Jesus was deemed "inappropriate" this year and put in the bin. 

- Irony went on to be named "finally funny" by Newsweek Magazine. 

- No one is sure if a tree on a tree IS irony or not though. 

- Chrissy now works for the stage show Jagged Little Pill. 

- "Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy" is still a lovely sentiment.   

- Merry Xmas, and Happy Holidays and such. 

- Yay.