The Promised Gob Promise

Welcome back to the fantastical everyone, the blog where we make the world more fantastical every day by exploring things are that awesome, rad and/ or ace.

Todays topic - as promised - finally - GOBS! 

Gobs? Did you say gobs? What the fuck are gobs? I hear you ask. 

They are your mouth I think. 

As in "shut your gob", and "stick this sock is your gob and tell me you can still whistle a happy nursery rhyme", or "your gob is full of teeth and it’s a big fat gob and your tongue is has got bumps all over it, what are they, I sand my tongue down to a smooth lacquer every morning so I don’t know, also holy hell, why didn’t some one say this can I am drinking from says paint on it, I thought I was drinking a delicious mug of cold sticky blended leaf chunks, not this vile paint, oh I wish I could taste, I guess if I eventually sand my tongue down to nice clothes peg, I’ll be able to peg recipes to it so my tongue can start to read up about what I want from it, I might have to give it some eyes too, anyone have a fish head they don’t want, also your gob looks weird, with it all upturned and beaming joy, I hate your gob" to name several well known sayings about gobs, that mean gob as in mouth. 

So yeah, I think we all know what a gob is. Question is though, should they be stopped? 

Well consider these things people have said before: 

• over there is good 
• I like it, I guess 
• Small, ok fine small, if that’s what the receipt says then I guess that’s the button I pressed. 
• Who’s that’s 
• That’s Kevin 
• Oh nice to meet you Kevin

All BRILLIANT things that have been said before, and have enriched lives, especially Kevin's life, he ended up getting a job from that other person, a GOOD one! Hell yeah! 

Now consider these things that have never been said by anyone ever: 

• Scorn is flunged hertherwear for joust!  
• Plunked porbs are saliving free! 
• I for one like (insert something you don’t think ANYONE could like here)!

All statements that also would have been brilliant, had they been said, especially for Kevin, he’s been desperately seeking saliving free porbs, it would get him out of that shitty job he's been stuck in all these years.  

So I think we’ve answered this one. Gobs clearly should NOT be stopped.  

Let the gobs run free, freeeeee! 

Ps. I just realized that you can put gob stoppers in your mouth, which are delicious! 

What do we want 

Gobs stopped 

When do we want it 

Something something topped! 

An artists impression of Porb

                                                                        

Please read this BEFORE you next go to a beach or park (or urban space seagulls think are parks or beaches)

Here’s some advice from me.. 

You should NEVER scream at a seagull, ever! Unless you WANT the seagull to BITE OUT YOUR TONGUE! 

Now this is of course assuming your tongue is made of French fries. And also assuming your tongue doesn’t have a retraction element, you know like a way of sticking your tongue back in. Like you can stick you tongue out, so of course you should be able to stick it in. 

But if YOU can’t, and you have a French Fry tongue, are you f’n crazy?

Why are you screaming at seagulls? That’s mad man. 

I mean you should know a few things straight up: 

- Seagulls don’t understand the variety of human emotions, particularly when it comes to volume based expressions of emotion, I mean there are plenty of loud HAPPY people at the beach and parks (and urban spaces seagulls think are parks and beaches), where seagulls hang out, so you’re probably not even succeeding in expressing what ever it is that you’re angry about regardless of your personal situation. Which brings me to...

- You’ve got a French Fry as a tongue! So you’re probably mumbling as well. So god knows if this particularly gull has picked up any language skills from years of monitoring picnickers and beach combers alike in hopes of nabbing a cracker or even a tuna soaked bread stick, but even if they have, you’re probably NOT expressing yourself eloquently enough for them to understand, and trust me I spent many a year as a mumbler, and FACT in that time not a SINGLE seagull, landgull, or earthwindandfiregull EVER said ‘ah yeah, I understand’. Not a single one. That’s how bad mumbling is. And also...

- They’ll eat your tongue! I get it you’ve got a message to share. And you are you, you are. And you don’t want to be held back by your particular scenario. We’ve all been there. I have a leg of lamb for a right forearm for example (don’t get me started on the grief I get for having a leg for an arm, it’s a dire life, let me tell you, I mean for one thing I can’t use the phrase ‘I’d give an arm and a leg’ for anything without imagining only giving up only one limb, (which is literally a leg AND an arm) without facing a lot of awkward payment situations, and some very disappointed and unsatisfied sales folk I’ll tell you. But that’s who I am. And I also can never give the finger to mountain lions. For a number of reasons. Climbing said mountain is hard on my leg of lamb arm. Mountain lions don’t understand modern western profanity based common sign language. And, and, and they’d BITE it. A leg of lamb arm is very attractive to mountain lions. Let me tell ya) but you have a French Fry tongue. That’s not going to change. Tongue transplant technology is still weak. Sure you can get a giraffe tongue put in (assuming you can talk a giraffe into donating one) but then you end up really ‘tonguey’ and that’s off putting to some people. So just deal with it. 

And here are some things you should know second up. Wait I said ‘straight’ above right? Not ‘first’? So I guess I should say here are some things you should know bendy up:

- You can ignore most of the above if you’re one of the lucky few who happen to NOT have a French Fry tongue. 

- You can also ignore this if you’re one of the absolute rare breed of person who never yells at gulls.

- Also overall these are some all some thoughts from me which might even be to absurd for ME! And I have a god damn leg of lamb as an arm. And also I’m ME! 

- Still I want to start posting this nonsense more, if you got this far thanks! 

- Also what food products DO you have in place of body parts? Let me know, and I’ll be sure to have advice more specifically focused on your personal situation in two shakes of a lambs tail. 

- Which incidentally is a phrase that always makes my arm ache, I have no idea why.

- The World sure is weird sometimes.

- Glad we all have this blog to escape back into normality from time to time.

Things less stupid than the current US gun laws

Here at Fleeting Forever we don't tend to get political, or topical, or opinionated, or make even the slightest bit of sense. And we like it that way, because these ramblings may well one day get us out of jury duty. However sometimes something happens that we just feel like commenting on. And even THEN we usually hold our tongues. Like when we wanted to comment on the current ramshackle state of the international tongue holding championships, and we spent so much time holding our tongues trying to get into the minds of the competitors that we forgot to file a story, got tired fingers and sore tongues, and then accidentally won a silver medal, and now we can no longer 'please' our girlfriends, if you know what we mean (yeah you do, you know what we mean - they're occasional pastry chefs and we no longer have the sense of taste). 

But something happened this past weekend that we just feel the need to comment on. The latest shooting in America. And here is that comment - We're starting to think that American gun laws may be a tad dumb, possibly even EXTREMELY a tad dumb.

Phew. We did it. We had an actual option, and we made an actual point. Alright. Thankfully that business is done. 

And now because it's something we've done here on this blog from time to time in reference to stupid stuff, with an admittedly too soon light heartedness, yet still sourced from outrage and heartbreak, it's time to play - Things Less Stupid Than Other Things - and on today's episode here now are things that admittedly may not seem smart, but are still WAY smarter than letting ANYONE buy an assault rifle for personal use: 

- Deciding you want to go to the moon and making it happen by eating an entire commuter train without even a single splash of hot sauce!

- Refusing to leave the house without your lucky rabbits foot, even though you're currently a horse, and you HAD said lucky foot the day you foolishly got your mane caught in an elevator door. 

- Putting new born bear cubs in charge of teaching wise old wolves how to write applications for jobs at glass recycling facilities. 

-  Putting someone who’s as yet never left their mothers womb in charge of convincing the Vatican to let Jesus come back as a unicorn.

- Being a Kanye West fan.

- Buying a rabies infested dog in hope of using it to shape a new type of wharf order.

- Drowning an elephant to prove the existence of sponges.

- Saving up trillions of dollars to buy the great pyramids to try and bribe Monica in human-resources from complaining at you for wasting printer toner.

- Slobbering your heart in maple syrup and then standing around a pancake fundraiser hoping that people that accidentally grab your heart will end feel bad enough to buy life insurance from your cousin Artie.

- Covering your front lawn in ceramic windmills with the intent of their delightful spinning inspiring you to finally tell your estranged lover that you think we're all made of granite fearing starlight memories and that therefore you should be able to catcall at tulips.

- Cross breeding lounge chairs with recently lassoed pond builders, hoping their babies thank you with a pre-shelved framed piece of paper splattered with the sweat whisked from a light-post fighting hot air balloon. 

- Kanye West lyrics. 

That was - Things that are really stupid but are still far less stupid than the current US gun laws - And now that that's over, back to opinions. We, like most people, LOVE when foreigners have opinions on other nations hotly debated and complex decision making that they can't possibly truly understand, but even with that love strong we're pussies that have an embarrassingly huge fear of upsetting anyone, literally anyone, so even though we kind of criticized you America please still let us have US visas one day we love your onion rings and chicken fingers, and yet I don't get to have them as often as we'd like. 

Have you tried burning incense?

Jamie walked into a new age meditation and spiritualism store in He hipster section of town, trying to find the right incense scent for him.

He wandered past the books on buddism and witchcraft and found the incense section and began to browse.

'Let's see, what have we got here, vanilla - what in the fuck. VANILLA! 

Vanilla - so like oh yum ice-cream, what a lovely scent - till I get overwhelmed and try and eat it - and instead of cold deliciousness and get BURNED!

What if I run into someone I know, but not well, and so their name is right on the tip of my tongue, right where I'm burned, that will HURT!!! Vanilla? Get fucked!'

But Jamie was not ready to give up on incense just because one scent was poorly conceived 'let's see what else they have here' he said, before picking up a second stick

'Jasmine and Lavender, those are flowers, if I wanted my house to smell of flowers I'd go buy god damn flowers wouldn't I?'

You can't though can you 'for the wife'. No I'm single mr florist, you condescending ass! I don't have a girlfriend, a boyfriend or even a dog. I'm alone and lonely, thanks for reminding me you dick, who are you to fucking pry into people's fucking personal lives! You know why people first started giving people flowers don't you!!! Cause no one bathed, it was to cover up stink! Your job exists because of foul body odor, THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE MR JUDGMENTAL ASS!!!'

Jamie was beginning to get a tad annoyed. But he decided to try one more stick. 

'Frankincense and fucking Myrrh????! He screamed (these really are popular incense scents, I looked it up) people are gonna think

I have a Jesus complex - "look at Jamie, thinks he's Jesus. Oh look at the Jesus baby, thinks his moms a virgin and he's the king of the Jews, are you my king Jamie, do you needs me to wash your feet, let's get supper, oh touchy subject?' Jamie was sure his friends would say.

'God damn motherfucking kitchen appliance spinning damn ass bitch fucking stupid flag pole dumb fucking  incense scents!!!!!' He seriously bellowed at the stand!!! 

He was beginning to think that incense wasn't going to be as calming as his psychiatrist had lead him to believe.

Be alarmed, be very alarmed

I don't want to alarm anyone, but if being BURNED is not alarm worthy then what is?

Well probably lots of things are alarm worthy, burglary of course, a sparrow flapping its wings near your car obviously, and I for one think we should all carry a personal alarm machine that we can set off anytime we notice an eerie coincidence, spooky silence, or spookily eerie burglar in our house.

Well this alarm I am raising is for something that is at least as alarm worthy as any of those things, yet more so in some ways, because this one is happening to me, and that affects people greatly, especially people like me, and especially people so like me that they practically are me, and yet even more especially people who so intensely think they are me that they literally are me, and only people like me can think stuff as serious as this, at least to people like me.

That’s right, I burned the tip of my tongue!

It was on chicken, which is ironically often the most deadly of the tasty animals. Chickens are well known for their vicious attacks using chemical war far in the forms of food poisoning and salmonella, which may actually be the same thing now that I think about it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. Of course the Geneva convention outlawed the use of mustard gas in war, and knowing that some people get ‘hot mustard’ as their dipping sauce of choice for Chicken McNuggets, clearly word has spread around the chicken community that a new approach was needed and they have responded by adding burning to their repertoire and introduced it with a swift unprovoked attack on an innocent civilian in a restaurant – ME! Those evil bastards! And this chicken that attacked me targeted me right on the tongue, that’s a very soft and sensitive area. Fuck you chickens. I mean it may actually have been the satay sauce that burned me, seeing as that was so hot it was literally bubbling, but I still blame the chicken, and I must raise the alarm because I am burned right on the tip of my tongue.

Yes, you know what that means, if I have trouble thinking of a word anytime in the next day or too and that word wants to sit right on the tip of my tongue there is going to be a painful battle royal my friends because that is the very spot that is burned, and this battle royal will be me versus me. Yep, those conniving little chicken bastards have found a way to bring civil war to my own body, and civil wars are always a bloody and painful battle that nothing has any hope of surviving without at least vicious wounds suffered by opponents on both sides of the battle. .

So I am raising the alarm damn it! And watch out for chickens, they want revenge and they want it bad. Keep an eye on the heat of your chicken, and if you’re eating nuggets get the barbeque sauce it’s much tastier than the hot mustard, and far less instigating.

Oh and by the way, who was that royal who famously led the British in the chicken wars? Um, you know, what’s it, um, it's right on the tip of my tong... AAAAAAAGgGGHHGGhggggghggghhhhhfghh!