Thursday, March 29, 2012

Be alarmed, be very alarmed

I don't want to alarm anyone, but if being BURNED is not alarm worthy then what is?

Well probably lots of things are alarm worthy, burglary of course, a sparrow flapping its wings near your car obviously, and I for one think we should all carry a personal alarm machine that we can set off anytime we notice an eerie coincidence, spooky silence, or spookily eerie burglar in our house.

Well this alarm I am raising is for something that is at least as alarm worthy as any of those things, yet more so in some ways, because this one is happening to me, and that affects people greatly, especially people like me, and especially people so like me that they practically are me, and yet even more especially people who so intensely think they are me that they literally are me, and only people like me can think stuff as serious as this, at least to people like me.

That’s right, I burned the tip of my tongue!

It was on chicken, which is ironically often the most deadly of the tasty animals. Chickens are well known for their vicious attacks using chemical war far in the forms of food poisoning and salmonella, which may actually be the same thing now that I think about it, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. Of course the Geneva convention outlawed the use of mustard gas in war, and knowing that some people get ‘hot mustard’ as their dipping sauce of choice for Chicken McNuggets, clearly word has spread around the chicken community that a new approach was needed and they have responded by adding burning to their repertoire and introduced it with a swift unprovoked attack on an innocent civilian in a restaurant – ME! Those evil bastards! And this chicken that attacked me targeted me right on the tongue, that’s a very soft and sensitive area. Fuck you chickens. I mean it may actually have been the satay sauce that burned me, seeing as that was so hot it was literally bubbling, but I still blame the chicken, and I must raise the alarm because I am burned right on the tip of my tongue.

Yes, you know what that means, if I have trouble thinking of a word anytime in the next day or too and that word wants to sit right on the tip of my tongue there is going to be a painful battle royal my friends because that is the very spot that is burned, and this battle royal will be me versus me. Yep, those conniving little chicken bastards have found a way to bring civil war to my own body, and civil wars are always a bloody and painful battle that nothing has any hope of surviving without at least vicious wounds suffered by opponents on both sides of the battle. .

So I am raising the alarm damn it! And watch out for chickens, they want revenge and they want it bad. Keep an eye on the heat of your chicken, and if you’re eating nuggets get the barbeque sauce it’s much tastier than the hot mustard, and far less instigating.

Oh and by the way, who was that royal who famously led the British in the chicken wars? Um, you know, what’s it, um, it's right on the tip of my tong... AAAAAAAGgGGHHGGhggggghggghhhhhfghh!

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