Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Now THAT's Crazy AND Modern

In these crazy modern times, with all its crazy modern conveniences, crazy modern obstacles, crazy modern approach to human relations and crazy modern alternatives to traditional methods of persuading your average lost and frightened fruit bat to eat the fruit in your neighbors yard instead of your own, there is one thing you can be sure about - your life is crazy! No wait, there are two things you can be sure about - your life is crazy, and your life is modern! 

Consider these facts: 
1. Toasters.
2. Pot-Holes.
3. Friends With Benefits. 
4. High Frequency Ultrasonic Sound Expellers. 

That was a list of crazy modern elements that affect your current life, representing the following categories: 

A. Crazy Modern Convenience.
B. Crazy Modern Obstacle. 
C. Crazy Approach To Human Relations. 
D. Crazy Modern Alternatives To Traditional Methods Of Persuading Your Average Lost And Frightened Fruit Bat To Eat The Fruit In Your Neighbors Yard Instead Of Your Own. 

Can you match the number with its correct corresponding letter? Surprisingly 92.67% of people quizzed get this wrong. I'll give you just a minute or two to think about it. 

Ok, here are the correct answers. 

A. Matches with number 2. Pot-holes mean roads, roads mean cars, cars mean the ability to drive to your local science and gadget store which is full of the most brand new modern technology around, like spiders encased in glass, balls that if you touch make an beam of electricity come off your finger, and change sorters. 
B. Of course matches with 4. You're trying to escape prison, your plan is flawless, except for that loud supersonic ear piercing noise the alarm expels, that's an obstacle and a half.  
C. Obviously this one is 1. Toasters are obviously the hip relationship trend among kids, and a little seedy and sorted if you ask me, where you only kiss someone if they had toast for breakfast. Stop trying to grow up so fast kids, enjoy Fruit-Loops while you can! 
D. Leaves us with 3. A friend, who comes with the benefit of being able to guilt trip into standing in your yard with a broom scaring fruit bats off your citrus trees, and into your neighbors banana trees. 

If you failed that test then it's quite clear the craziness and modernness of your life has gotten crazily out of control, in a really modern way. 

But fear not. That why I am starting a new workshop to get you back to the raw place your body and soul THOUGHT it had evolved to be at, a time before ANYTHING was modern, and craziness was merely a barely touched excel spreadsheet on Einstein's MacBookPro. 

Welcome to HowlShop. A workshop where I'll teach you to howl the way you're supposed to, the way your ancestors on the Mayflower, First Fleet, St Augustian, Rugghlet or other very famous migratory ships did. 

I offer you this very, very exciting and very important guarantee - you'll turn your current:
Into a:

Or your money back! 

Ok, I've just been informed that by mushing the words Howl and Workshop into one word 'HowlShop' I have used a crazy modern convenience, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I have failed you all. Sorry. 

Oh fuck, I've also just been informed that failure is a crazy modern obstacle. Shit. 

I feel like a scared and frightened fruit bat, who wants to come hit me with a broom? 

Social graces

I'm just going to say it - It's not ok to be gregarious just anywhere you know! 

And yes, I know you like being gregarious. It's part of who you are. It's the real you, at least in those moments, and no, I'm not suggesting for a minute that you're ONLY gregarious, but it is part of you. A wonderful part of you. 

At dinner parties, go for it. That's a perfect place to be gregarious. It's almost a requirement at dinner parties. If there wasn't any gregarity in the room the party would descend in to a pantomime of cold silence, before giving way to inhospitably or possibly even mild passive aggressiveness. No one wants that, believe me. 

I was once at a dinner party when the HOST was passive aggressive. Yes the host. It turned the serving of the mash potatoes from what would normally be one of the highlight of the whole food serving portion of the evening from being an haphazardness spooning of inconsistently random glory into something perhaps a tad awkward. And I'll just be harsh for a second, but I saw a guest later on that evening miming out a representation of the slight aggression they had witnessed in the spoonful lumped onto her husbands plate - in a mocking way! 

So, I'm definitely not saying don't be gregarious at dinner parties. Please BE gregarious at those. I'd hate to see you mocked with mocking mime one day. 

Not that you hold a monopoly on being gregarious either. If we're at a dinner party together we should BOTH be gregarious. That's only logical, polite and fair. And gregarity should always be distributed with the entire parties happiness taken into account. 

I'll be honest with you, you know the Georgians? You know how I say 'let's not invite them places, they aren't very gregarious' - well, yeah, ok I'll just say it - Candice is very gregarious, it's only Jeremy who isn't. And yet I've been giving them the same label. That's life motherfuckers. You form a couple then you get lumped in with the social graces, skills and failings of the whole package. 

I'd hate for either of us to suffer from wagging ears, and blushing souls caused by the other one of us lacking, or indeed exceeding our natural quota of any number of potential uses of social etiquette in regards to a whole manner of charms, gregarity being just one of them. 

Look, fuck, I said I'd just say it, and I will - your gregariousness sometimes comes off as mere chummy familiarity! 

Oh my god, it feels good to get that out. What a relief. Like a lifted weight. My god, I'd let that build up inside me for months, and now that it's out we can deal with it, accept it and move on. 

So that was it. Thanks. 

Oh and everyone knows you blew Donald in the laundry, we were watching on the security monitors, but no one cared, we're just not judgmental people.