Careful what your xmas present really says!

Thanks Dad, great Christmas present, ok what’s next, oh this one is from my beautiful wife Stephanie, oh its heavy, wowser, what is it? Oh my god a bowling ball!!!! Awesome!

Does this mean what I think it means? That you want me to go out with the boys, drinking and having fun without a care in the world while you stay home and do all of the housework no matter how much of it was mess that I created sometimes seemingly in defiance of the laws of physicals, like that poop stain on the roof of the garage, that’s so great.

Does this signify that you want me to spend quality time bonding with the guys while you do my laundry and cook my dinner even though I’ll probably eat at the bowling alley so you’ll end up serving it on the table for nothing, and then you’ll have to put into Tupperware, and then when I come home late and drunk I’ll make you reheat it for me, so I can have it as a late night snack, but then I will have had so much to drink that I’ll end up puking it in bed while lying next to you, and you won’t notice, so you’ll lie around in it for a few hours, letting it seep into your pores so you’ll smell of my vomit for the next few weeks, that’s so nice of you.

Does this imply that if I am going to flirt with a lady you’re now more than happy for it to be that hot waitress at the bowling alley that you got mad at me for looking down the top of her shirt to look at her boobs which are, lets say, much more ample than yours, and that now while I do that you’ll stay home scrub the toilet, even though this will only amplify how sore and saggy yours have become since you breast fed our babies and that in reality I will probably always think of her breasts every time we make love from now on, that so generous of you.

Does this connote that if I get drunk and start acting inappropriate and grabbing boobs you’d like them to be hers, and that if she likes it then who is getting hurt, because after all you were the one who sent me to the bowling alley to begin with, knowing that she would be there, and therefore if she invites me into the staff locker room so she can show me what they look like when taken out of her bra, and maybe what there feel like when I put my face between them and make horse noises, and that if she then suddenly takes off my pants and says ‘do me like you’ve never done your wife, so that I’ll end up doing her analy which you’ve never let me do with you, so that for ever more my most memorable sexual experience will be with her and not with you, while you stay home and clean off the many, many boogers I picked out and stuck under the coffee table because I was always too lazy to walk two steps to get a tissue, thanks so much, this is the best Christmas present ever!!!!!!!

Consider the dictionary now FIXED

I am horribly dyslexic, prone to writing in an insomnatic (coined by Dave, yell yeah) haze of half sleep, and even occasionally with more than the recommended amount of alcohol in ones system suggested by the world society of English excellence, who are dedicated to making sure people use English to its best possible uses (they recommend one glass of red wine followed by a shot of Methylated Spirits to be the ideal amount of alcohol to write great Shakespearesq incest stories or to die in a gutter outside a linen store). I also think fast and type fast but not quite fast enough to keep up with my racing brain. I'm also a really lazy editur (Check that out, ,that ones on purpose, so its funny?).

The point is I am a fucking awful speller, and break every rule of English and grammar in just about every thing I ever fucking write. (See heading of my blog of two days ago - its 'know' not 'now' you fucking tool!!!!)

This is where I get miffed, I know me write bad sometimes, sometimes even on purpose, as much as my use of language is flawed I also really enjoy playing with it. My novels are all written in the first person, and my characters are often uneducated and mentally ill, and its hell yeah fun to figure out how these people would talk and write, and purposely playing with those errors (this makes literary agents think YOU'RE mental ill and uneducated - its called character you tools, have an open mind). Still a pet hate of mine in the blog world, and it really doesn't happen to me all that often (my readers are lovely people :) is people who don't like someones opinion but have no ability to form a well thought out counter argument so who will then instead respond with something like - "Your fucked, and its you're not your learn to spell you tool". Thanks prick.

I do understand that it's better to get these things write (I still fuck those to around, and I'm a righter, maybe I am mentally ill) for the most part, what I don't understand is how anyone can have a life so perfect that their big gripe at any point in time is the poor use of apostrophes!

"Just when my life was wonderful you come along and ruin it 'YOU'RE' an asshole"
"No good sir, 'your' letting a little dash make you mad, if if something so minor can irritate you then you should be put in prison before you stab a 7/11 clerk for fucking up your change'!

Ok get off your fucking pony Dave, this was supposed to be a funny blog.

Ok, time to fix the dictionary. And there is one place where this must begin.

Take a knee team. We need to talk. It seems some of you have been misinterpreting what your coach here means when he tells you that there is no 'I' in team. I was giving you all a lesson in teamwork on the field and then some of you stopped coming to practice and when I asked you why you would say to me 'because you told me I was not in the team'. That's not what I meant at all. But just to make things a little easier why don't I go ahead an make an amendment to the dictionary, from now on there IS an 'I' in team. Ok? So you are all in the team.

Oh fuck. It just occurred to me that I just said 'you' are in the team, but there IS NO 'u' in team, and I feel that might confuse a few of you, so let me just whack a u in there, so we can all now agree that we're all in the team.

Fuck me dead. There is no 'we're' in team. Well I don't care how pissed off Webster gets at me, I am whacking a we're in there. And you know what, lets get a 'me' in there too, who knows, are some of you going 'coach what about me, am me in the team', well you're goddamn right me is.

Anyway time to hit the field boys, but first, on the count of three, one, two, three goooooooooooo teiwe'reumeam!!!!!!!!!!!


So there you go everyone, first step of fixing the dictionary - DONE. Getting rid of annoying cliches like 'there is no I in team'. See how this is done.

I'm going to assume that a world wide movement just this moment begun to fix the rest of these quibbles. So step two in fixing the dictionary - DONE. Starting a world wide movement to re-spell words so people can't use them to make annoying cliche points.

And amazingly we're already up to step three, and the FINAL step. Wow, this was easier than I thought.

Here it is, once step one and step two are complete, there will still be a few annoying errors in the dictionary, this is because the dictionary was written a long time ago, in very different times, by a bunch of randomly selected people, who were incapable of figuring out the true influence and chaos of their choices, who were frankly at least occasionally a little retarded or mentally ill. Unfortunately some people worship these past word guys as some sort of ancient gods not to be questioned at anytime. I mean seriously - to, two & too, there, their and they're, live as in to be alive, and live as in happening right now, and live as in on a stage in front of you, by and bye, hi and high, lie and the other lie, this is the work of people either messed in the head, or seriously didn't think the world would take their joke seriously.

So next time someone complains to you about a tiny error in your writing let them know that their ability to be upset over something ultimately inconsequential makes you want to stab them in the face. While they are figuring out just how serious you are, remind them that this is an old book which is in dire need of a modern update with practicality and rationality as number one priority, and that their NAZI (God I hate people using that word for anything other than the Hitler NAZIs, fashion NAZI, spelling NAZI - fuck off) like obsession with following an ancient deeply flawed document is akin to someone refusing to accept all medical knowledge acquired in the past 200 years.

If they still want to complain about your use of 'your' instead of 'you're' then ACTUALLY stab them in the face, and instead of taking them to the doctor hand them a bowl of leeches.

Dictionary - FIXED!!! Hell yeah. Dave 'Jetlag' Tieck strikes again.