Off the top of my head

I know what you're thinking... 'My favorite hat is great! It's stylish, it looks good on my head, I look good with my head under it, and just ONE of those things would make headless people jealous of us, it's never once whipped me to a bloody pulp with a bike chain on a Tuesday, together we've solved more crimes than most envelope paper cuts, when lit on fire we're easy to spot on snow fields, since we've been together very few South East Asian Sea based islands have been sited sneaking off to the North West Moldavian Tar Pits, and it pairs well with two, maybe even three of my favorite belts, it's a GREAT hat! Yet, well, it's just that sometimes I think it's unsatisfied, do you think maybe it secretly wishes it could try being a sock?'

Well I know your pain. Lucky for you I have a special skill, the skill of knowing the exact signs that YOUR hat secretly wants to try being a sock, and these include and are strictly limited to the following: 

- It's always oddly quiet when you ask it if it thinks you should update your sock collection. 

- It once said 'Oooh, I'd let someone hide their jewelry in the ME draw'. 

- When you and it are on fire in the snow it always says 'I'm jealous of your socks' but NEVER clarifies 'you know, because they're in the snow and therefore not as hot as we are'. 

- Sometimes when it's startled by a spider instead of leaping with fear it merely sighs 'think of all those feet'.

- When you hang it on a hatstand near a fish tank it's always looking at the space below the fishes legless bodies and saying 'what a waste'. 

- Once, as a nice gesture before a big exam it had to sit at Hat University (HU), you gave it a lucky rabbit's foot, but instead of saying thank you it shoved you to the ground and screamed 'WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT THAT?' and you replied 'sorry, sorry, I know you're not the superstitious sort' and it yelled 'NO NO NO, it's not that, it's that it's CRUEL! I mean the poor thing is fucking NAKED!' 

- Sometimes when it's giving you a foot rub, and you say 'alright, that's enough, time to put my shoes on and go to work' instead of stopping it only seems to rub harder. 

- When one of your socks goes missing after you've done laundry it's often seen nearby blushing. 

- Once it said 'I'd kinda like to try being a sock one day, nah screw that, I'd REALLY like to try being a sock one day'. 

- It's a hat shaped like a foot. 

So there you go, feel pain no more, you no longer have to wonder, you can now KNOW if YOUR hat wants to have a go at being a sock. 

Oh and yes, I've been saying YOUR hat, because, ha ha, that would NEVER happen to me, what kind of an idiot gets themselves the sort of quandary where your not sure what your hat is thinking? You people are SO strange. Ha ha, I avoid nonsense like that by having daily heart to hearts with MY hats. 

Ps. Hat university? What a lame name. Come on hat centric higher learning establishments, there's no People University for fuck sake! Plus I've heard about your prejudice against berets in the Actuary Department, for fucking shame! 

Pps. Stop making your hat wonder and just let it have a go as a sock for fuck's sake. What are you scared of. Being killed? That's ludicrous. The famed People Wearing Hats As Socks Slasher hasn't been active in months! 

No, NO, KNOW!!!

Look we all know a couple of things in life, and that's all. Just a couple of things, things we know for SURE.

And I'm not saying 'sure' in a -'go to the beach with you? Sure!' - way, when let's face it, by 'sure' you mean 'only if it's by the shore, I'm not going to no fucking lake beach motherfucker, oh also only if the weather is nice, sometimes it's windy and I get sand in my face, that's not very pleasant'. No I mean 'sure' like 'do something enjoyable with you which I personally have no exclusions or special need requirements? Sure!' way. And I'm talking when this unnamed person who is asking the questions you're responding 'sure', among other things, to is someone that the following could be an answer about them you'd say - 'do I think they're swell? Sure'! 

And those things we know are as follows:

- If you wanted to drink the entire ocean you'd want at LEAST a week.

- Buyer beware.... Of that cannon! Holy fuck, who brought a cannon into this juice kiosk? 

- There are many ways to skin a cat.

- Love, love is all you need (assuming they love you back, which they don't).

- Cynicism is swell. 

- The beaches are hard to swim at when the swell is too big.

- Fuck, why am I referencing the beach a lot today? I don't even like the beach.

- I wonder if it's because I got a lot of sun today?

- Maybe.

- I don't know.

- Who the fuck knows how my brain works.

- Lists are fun.

- If you really studied the fibers of your home carpet it'd probably end up looking really, really gross.

- Probably the same thing with the inside of a wetsuit.

- I bet if they DO love you back, at least one of you occasionally wears a wetsuit! Gross!

- Man you people make me sick.

- Jealousy is also swell. 

And that's it! That's all we know for sure. It's not a lot. It's a depressingly small amount of things that we know.

Well I say NO, we should all know more things to be able to say 'no, I don't need to know more about that, I already know enough, and no I won't go to the beach with you, and I think you know why I said no'.

THAT'S the sort of world I want to live in. And I'm going to make is so. So here is, something you may not already know, but should know: 

There is ALSO a lot of ways to RESKIN a cat! 

You know after it's been skinned. Which should be called deskinned shouldn't it. It started out with skin. You're not doubling its skin. You're removing skin. I mean if you 'scan' a document you're not removing the scan from it. Fucking language assholes, we're putting skin on a cat, so we're skinning a cat, why do the animal cruelty people get the cool word! (You know what, just for that grammar and word police, I'm not going to use flawless grammar and the like in today's blog, suck on that!) 

So here is, ways to RE-skin a cat:

1.  Buy some new skin at Cat Skin R Us, some cat skin glue at Skin Glue U Asked, and some cat skin glue applicators at Application Z Kt (kitty) Glue, and simply follow instructions.

2. Go to KFC, grab several huge buckets of original recipe chicken, take it to a party where every guest is a heavy subscriber to the carb free lifestyle, come by in the morning and collect all the skin they peeled off the chicken. Eat it (it IS the best bit) then repeat step 1.

3. Spend way too long at the beach, until your skin is all burned and peels off. Collect said skin. Put it in a small tub. Give it to a girl, saying 'this is the latest skin fad from Europe'. Watch her rub it into her skin. If her skin looks great the next few days then take out a patent on your new invention. If her skin looks awful then tell her what the product really was and laugh a lot. Then repeat number 1. 

4. Buy a life sized cat toy. Empty it out. Put your skinned cat inside. When it chews it's way out of this toy shell, then repeat step 1. 

5. Do nothing for an hour. Then repeat step 1.

6. Grow a new cat on the back of a rat, like they did with that ear that time. As it grows take bets on both when the rats back cat will turn on its

host rat and also whether the rat or the cat will win the fight. Use your vast winnings to repeat step 1.

So there you have it, six easy ways to reskin a cat. And now you know one more thing to add to your list of things you know. Now please don't make the rest of us look ignorant, you best be off to finish drinking the ocean, you've only got four more days!