Saturday, January 23, 2016

The world just changed again, again

One thing you may or may not know about me is that I am a bit of an inventor. Now I may not be a great inventor, but still I'll tell you, inventing is not as easy as it looks. In fact for a mere genius like me it's usually ‘very easy’ at the easiest, and often it’s only ‘kind of easy’. I mean consider these awesome inventions of mine that I found only ‘kind of easy’ to invent, and that have swept the nation, and even the globe:

- The idea that there should be a nation sized broom
- The idea that there should be a globe sized broom
- The idea for a robot big enough to operate a nation sized broom
- The idea for a robot big enough to operate a globe sized broom

Ever since I came up with these four amazing inventions the world has been in chorus with unity, singing my praises to the mountain tops, or for those with poor falsettos, the mountain middles, I mean who hasn't heard someone cry out 'when the fuck is someone going to build a giant robot building machine and a giant broom building machine, Dave's done his part for fucks sake, he can't do it ALL you lazy fucking dicks!'

And I appreciate this praise. Well I don't think all the swearing is necessary, but apart from that I think the main thing is they are focused on how great an inventor I am, and I fucking like that.

But today I surprised even myself. Yep I came up with another invention, and I did this one with even more ease than very easily, in fact I wasn't even trying to invent something. It just happened! By accident! And this invention, I believe, is something previously never even before imagined, let alone invented!


Here is how it happened.

I was at the shops (indecently shops were invented by my great grandmother when she was asked by my great, great, grand uncle if he could borrow eighty bucks, and she regretted lending it to him so she immediately stole his iPhone from his plate glass window fronted home on Main St, which was the first time anyone had ever even considered that you could exchange money for goods in a glass fronted building. Inventing is in my blood I guess) and when I got back to the car from the shops I was suddenly struck - I'd done something I don't think anyone had ever even thought of before, let alone invented – I bought MORE than I planned!


It was quite a task. It involved FOUR whole steps, steps that I think few would dare risk, and these steps were as follows:

1. Being some who had already invented lots of things
2. Accurately estimating the future earnings of these inventions to be exactly LOTS, making it worth the risk to wait till I got home before doing my own math on my purchases to double check the clerks weren't stupid.
3. Using that time to instead manically laugh in the face of people who don't have such guaranteed lots of money's coming in soon, people like the stupid clerks.
4. Being distracted by that and accidentally putting a couple of things in my cart from last week's shopping list, that's were NOT on this weeks.

And boom, I invented buying more than you planned. Who knew that was even possible? No one, that's who!

It was quite an amazing discovery. Frankly if I'd ever TRIED to invent this I think even I would have chickened out before implementing it, I mean there were so many obstacles I would have assumed I'd have to face, obstacles that would have panicked me with fear, such as:

- What if the shop clerk asks to double check my shopping list to make sure I didn't add anything to my trolley extra?
- What if I realize everything I wanted, as logic would suggest, was already on my shopping list?

No WAY I'd have taken risks like that in a real world scenario. Which really just speaks to the power of my mind, so determined to invent something that it also invented a way to invent a brief distraction in my brain, long enough to let me invent it. And now because of me, those of us with practically guaranteed big invention money can spend at will, financing ourselves up the kazoo (indecently one of my second cousin’s dad’s inventions, although he was TRYING to invent a plastic carrot, again inventing for others isn't always very easy) knowing we can pay it back later, and without the heavy pressure of making sure our shopping lists are flawless before we head to the shops!


Still, and I know some of you have already realized, but not all inventions are one hundred percent good all the time. But for those of you have not yet discovered the flaw here, I'll let you idiots know with a traditional Q&A&How:

Q. What if the shops themselves discover this is possible also?

A. They could try and EXPLOIT this knowledge, that's what! Oh FUCK!

How would they exploit it? I don't fucking know, try and entice us to buy more stuff somehow or something, they can figure that out, I’m a mere genius, I can't fucking invent EVERYTHING can I?

What I can do however is this - invent a solution to this problem, so that THAT invention isn't even likely to happen, and the problem never even arises, and we can all feel safe to never, ever purchase more than we planned, unless we plan to do so on our own.

So here I go, phew, this might be hard, but I feel a responsibility, an invention to stop shops exploiting this new invention… wait I’ve got it:

- The idea that we should never tell the shops that over shopping is possible.



That was actually very easy, I truly am a great inventor. So go spread the word people, tell everyone you know to never ever tell shops that over shopping is possible! And once you’ve done that, hey come around to my place, I accidently bought a whole extra loaf of bread I didn’t need! Wow, even genius inventions sure can lead to craziness.