Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Exclusive: Important information on eating stuff

If I'm being completely honest, and I'd like to be, I feel like the situation warrants it, so I will be - I never actually WANTED to eat five pairs of scissors.

Now I know what you're thinking:

- Then why did you Dave? Huh? WHY DAMN IT? 
- How many pairs of scissors DID you want to eat? 
- Why would anyone want to eat ANY pairs of scissors? 
- All this talk of eating stuff has got me feeling peckish, got anything to eat?
- Peckish? What like a bird, when did humans adopt this bullshit term?
- Like I don't want to eat regurgitated worm alright.
- I don't swing that way.
- Although come to think of it, I could go a delicious bowl of beaks! 

I think before I address these concerns of yours, it would be valid to discuss what scissors are actually INTENDED to be used for, and for that we need to go back to the day they were invented, it all began with a simple conversation (cue flashback wavy lines): 

'I feel like cutting stuff'
'Yeah me too, I love cutting stuff'
'I cut the shit out of stuff'
'I cut stuff the way other people breathe, as in cutting stuff to me is as natural as breathing!'
'Yeah well I cut stuff easier than a duck takes to water, which is a more well renown saying for representing how easy stuff is to you, stuff like cutting stuff'
'Yeah but we're humans, and as a human I cut stuff better than any duck has ever cut anything!'
'Well I even out human cutting stuff you! Because I've even cut a human. It was myself, once accidentally, when I was trying to cut a shirt, which is a type of stuff, as am I' 
'Just to bring it back to cutting stuff as easy as breathing, because I just thought of a cool come back to that one, wait, did I say that one or did you? It doesn't matter, we haven't even been named, there may well be eight of us as far as anyone knows'
'Yeah but I think people probably assume there are only two of us' 
'Maybe we just THINK that because there ARE only two of us'
'Good point, but then someone could enter the room, and how would anyone know?' 
'Excellent point, but I really don't think anyone will enter the room' 

Suddenly a man entered the room! (And that's how you'd know fellas, I tell the readers that stuff) 

'Ah yeah, well I've been cutting stuff before I was even born, I even came out with a cut umbilical chord' said the third man, before retreating back out of the room.

'Oh fuck you, that's what I was going to say, you know when I said I had a cool come back to the breathing line? Like I've been cutting stuff before I was even breathing!'
'It's your own fucking fault, you were the one who tempted fate by saying you don't think anyone will enter the room!' 
'Wait, was that me?' 
'I don't know, I can't keep up with which of us is which'
'Well fuck you for not knowing'
'No fuck YOU for not knowing'
'You take that back or I'll cut you!'
'You take THAT back or I'll cut YOU!'

Suddenly a knife fight broke out, at one point they tried to thrust their knives into each other, but instead their knives got entangled, and magically two looping plastic handles developed, which was particularly cool as plastic hadn't been invented yet, and things magically appearing on things STILL hasn't been invented, and the two men discovered neither now held a knife, but they both held a pair of scissors. 

They knew immediately that this invention was ace, so they bolted out of the room to patent it, and both tripped and were stabbed in the heart by that pair of scissors. 

Right then the third man once again entered the room and grabbed the scissors out of their hearts, which sounds a tad physically illogical, but if you saw a drawing of how it went down you'd go 'oh right, THAT'S how that would look'. Of course you SHOULD be going 'oh my god, two dead men both stabbed in the heart by one pair of scissors, how sad, call a medic!' but it turns out you're savages. 

As the third man left the room with the new invention, he turned, and with badass charm intoned 'never run with two entangled knives with magic plastic handles'. 

As he was on the way to the patent office he suddenly slapped his forehead thinking 'that saying didn't WORK at ALL, I'm going to call these things Scissors, "never run with scissors" yeah, that's badass, I bet that will take off'.

Unfortunately he was holding the scissors as he did this, and he stabbed himself in the forehead. And as the cops used the jaws of life to get to his dying body, despite the doors of his car being unlocked and undamaged (jaws of life had just been invented and the the cops wanted to try them out) the man, bleeding and with scissors stuck in his forehead kept muttering 'just call them scissors, please just call them scissors, I need my quip, the one I said as I stole them from those dead guys? About not running with them? You know the one, I need it to sound cool'. 

The cop grabbed them, and took them to the patent office, but it turned out he hadn't heard the man's muttering, the jaws of life were noisy, so he instead named them after himself, and Traffic Cop Sergeant Scissors became a very rich scissor baron.

And that's how scissors were invented. (Cue flashback wavy lines to present time).

So now back to your queries on why I ate five pairs of them. 

Because of history, that's why I ate scissors. Clearly the baby, the one that wasn't born yet, you know in the story of the invention of scissors who came out having already cut the umbilical chord? Clearly he must have had access to scissors in that womb, therefore his mother must have eaten some, which sounds like it may be made up, and if that part of the story isn't true then maybe scissors have NEVER been invented! Spooky. So I needed to make sure scissors HAD been invented by eating some. 

And I ate five because they turned out to be delicious, and WAY smoother to swallow than your average prison toilet-bowl moonshine.

Oh and the digestion was fun right? I hear you yelling sarcastically. Well STOP yelling. Because yes it's wasn't fun, but it had a fringe benifit, the scissors began to dislodged the about ninety-two beaks that were stuck to the insides of my intestines, and it took five pair of scissors to get them all, so it was WORTH it!

I guess the lessons here are clear:

- No one, not even answer genius David Tieck, wants to address the 'why do we say I'm peckish?' question. For shame. Or even, 'got something to eat?' Which should be easy to answer. Weird. 
- Stop eating beaks for gods sake! They get stuck in your intestines. Do you want to have to eat scissors to dislodge them? DO YOU? 
- Stop drinking prison toilet-bowl moonshine for gods sake! It's not smooth, it's NOT SMOOTH DAMN IT! 
- Feel free to eat prison toilet-bowl regurgitated worm, mmm mmmm, that's stuffs GOOD! 
- Oh wait, I did have an answer to 'got anything to eat?' See above. And weirdness officially abated. Smiles for all.