Bout the same

Breaking News Everybody: 

 

It is, as I type, 11:22 on Saturday night.

The air around me, in my present and immediate environment, surrounding my person and aura, is brisk, chipper and almost hysterically cool, due to it being the heart of winter and I not owning any form of heating.

The rest of my environment full of the noise of my washing machine on spin cycle, which is cleaning my clothes, which grew tainted from their exposure to the human world, the dirty world, the unclean coming from man's lack of grace, oh and from dirt. 

My body is feeling lackadaisical and disresplendent after just completing a participation in a lukewarm shower, the result of current pipe and/or pump issues which continue to strike my building with fear and a lack of bathing satisfaction. 

And it is in this state, this condition, that I bring news, news which is sure to interest almost everyone, or at LEAST no one... 

Yes it's true, after long discussions, deep debate, and extraneous amounts of thought using my brain, I have officially made the following drastic and complicated decision - I am staying in for the evening. 

 

Alright, calm the fuck down everyone. 

This is obviously very new information, as recently as two hours ago I was ‘thinking of maybe going somewhere, I’m not sure where though’ and at that time, I know I speak for us all, in that we all felt comforted and reassured by that information. 

It was, at the time, a clear sentiment and yet full of possibility, and even opportunity. And those are things that make almost everyone feel good, and optimistic. 

Except donkey herders of course, who like their futures to be ironclad and inauspicious in promise, due to the fact that in their life a surprise is almost ALWAYS a back kicked hoof to the dick, and on the rare occasions it is not this, it’s a back kicked hoof to the vagina (not that there are many female donkey herders, only that once you’ve been kicked in the dick by a donkey a hundred plus times everything kind of turns inside out).

But the information changed, as information is want to do, that’s why they call it the information ‘age’ not the information ‘airtight zip-locked sandwich bag’ (although fun fact if you put your watch in one of those, fill it with water, zip-lock it tight, throw it in the freezer, wait six months, while never once taking your eye off the freezer, then pull it out and throw it into a bonfire, then you will have wasted a LOT of time, and a watch, and a bag of water, and a zip-lock bag, and whatever pants you’ve been peeing and shitting in for six months, oh and it seems like while you were watching the freezer some silly practical joker lit a bonfire in your house). 

 

This new information is therefore still obviously fresh and new and recent and unexplored and uncharted, except a little bit around the edges, which is where information tends to store it’s ‘huh’ zone anyway. 

So calm the fuck down. Obviously I will have more on this as more comes to hand and not one second before, or more. 

Clearly this new information will not literally come to hand, who hands people information now? Get with the times you dicks!

So fucking WHAT if it's sensitive information? Just say it - 'the rash IS contagious' ok, then let me decide whether I need to say 'shush' or whether I need to say 'shhh', it's my body my choice!

That's a good catch phrase, by the way, rash societies should jump on that.

Just like the rash jumped on THEM, am I right?

No I'm not! Shame on you. Airborne rashes are no laughing matter you dicks, especially ones with the ability to 'spring', or 'launch' themselves.

Cause that involves knees, possibly even ankles, you think a rash with knees and ankles is something to laugh about?

The next step after that will be the development of hips, and possibly even thighs.

Plus, I'm gonna learn you here, some rashes are RED! You got a red thighed rash on your neck and who do you think is gonna come calling?

That's right, dermatologists.

And do you realize how hurtful it is when a dermatologist says to you 'oh that's interesting'.

I know it's interesting you dick, that's why I brought it to you, you think I'm gonna bring you an uninteresting, possibly even boring, rash?

That would make ME one of 'those' people.

And 'they' often naysay potentially exciting new space exploration projects.

'See that star, it's twinkling right now, but just twelve hours from now it may well be twinkle free, and twinkling is my preferred star condition and presentation' I'll say, to site a recent example.
'I say nay to your plan to build a rocket ship out of your old Dell, the congregation of cockroaches in your mega-roach-trap and fuel made out of sour milk, keroisine and thoughts about 'what Jack Kerouac would think about modern professional golf', I say nay all day' they responded. 

What the fuck? And that's the world YOU want to live in? With roach traps un-emptied, sour milk turned clumpy and 'bout the same' unverbalized???

The point is, staying in is FUN. And it's too cold. Plus it's like 12:39 now which is too late to go anywhere anyway. So stop fucking judging me!!!

Besides you're the weirdos that wanted to know what I think about the modern world of professional rashes.

At least that's how I remember it.

Ps. 'Bout the same'. 

 

 

Expressions of one's feelings

I'm cold. Yes. Right now. This is crazy. There's all sorts of horrible truths involved here. Such as:

- I may have to get off my fat ass and put on some long pants. 

- Or possibly even some form of top half of the body covering. 

- Or possibly even both! 

- And/ or potentially have to close my balcony door. 

Obviously those are all tragic ordeals the likes of which I haven't had to face since forever, like as far back as yesterday. Truly horrific. But shockingly I'm not even at this stories worst part. Here's where things get overwhelmingly abhorrent: 

All the popular sayings commonly used to announce an expression of ones feelings about the current temperature being at a lower number than one would personally like it to be in relation to comfort and warmth as expressed with some form of metaphor totally fucking suck!! 

I'm freezing my balls off? 

Colder than a witches tit? 

So cold I'd eat you grandmothers dick if it had Tabasco on it? 

All hugely popular sayings. All hugely inadequate if you ask me? Particularly the rude bits, language like 'had', 'off' 'than', it just fucks me off. 

But fear not, as your hero I will of course solve this problem, presenting now new, safe, fun, awesome, flawless, brilliant, better than a red moon hiding behind a playground that's full of candy, but not in a creepy way at all, I mean focus more on the red moon, that's the important thing here, rudeless, happy, creative sayings you can use to let people know how you feel about the current temperatures being colder than you'd like it them to be, should you ever find yourself in such a situation: 

- 'It's colder in here than a bag of coins that have just been removed from a vending machine! A vending machine for drinks. So it was refrigerated. Including the area immediately adjacent to where the coins were kept'. 

Boom, that one is awesome. Just reading it back is giving me goosebumps. Let's do another. 

- 'I'm colder than a room that has just experienced a really awkward moment, like super awkward, such as someone has just said something like 'the catering here is really good but not great' and like a waiter totally overheard. A waiter who works for the caterer. Like painfully awkward like that'.

Wow. That's freezing cold. And we're just warming up. And these are already getting hot. And when we're in a zone this paradoxically awesome then you know we're having fun. Let's do one more. 

- It's colder than an icicle and those are cold AND cool. 

Yep. You're welcome.  

And now for some whining

I have a cold which is a way of saying that I am sick and my sickness is making me feel bad especially seeing as I have to get up early tomorrow and my Nyquil isn’t working fast enough and if I don’t get to sleep early then getting up early is going to make me feel bad and keep in mind that I ordered pizza for dinner and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would which I think is because my head is all blocked up from my cold and this is the cold which is making me feel bad and yet I still have lots of left over pizza to eat in the future because I like to order so much that I am guaranteed left over which is why I ordered too much tonight but if I didn’t really enjoy the first run of the pizza then I probably won’t enjoy the left overs but also if I don’t eat them I will waste them and wasting food makes me feel bad as there are hungry people in the world which is a big political issue which reminds me of the election that is happening here in the united states of America which is where I am writing this from and which is the political thing that most people are talking about recently in this place I am writing this from and that is a political thing making some people angry and when people are angry then it makes me feel bad that they are angry and even though it is not me that they are angry at because I don’t even get a vote on the political issues in this country let alone a get enough of a say so as to polarize people because of the opinion of a position I have stated I believe about is different from the opinion of a position from other people who have different positions from my opinion and their anger at me would make me feel bad which is why I don’t like to think about politics because ultimately you can’t make everyone happy which means you end up making at least someone unhappy and that makes them unhappy with you which if it was directed at me would make me feel bad and yet I don’t even have the option of having that which makes me feel bad and also I forgot to chew my chewable vitamins C which is like both rejecting the very thing which makes that product marketable as chewable and also costing me the potential positive effect on my cold whether from the healing properties of the vitamin C or from the placebo affect of thinking that this is something that vitamin C is capable of doing which would make me feel bad about prolonging my cold which is the very thing making me feel bad.

On the other hand I just saved on a lot of unused punctuation, so that’s good right?