Sunday, February 8, 2015

Best scheme of my day awesomeness - decision temperatures

You know what I love about the temperature of ice cream that's been left in an abandoned house for three years? 

Exactly, you can rely on it, it's not a mystery, you know precisely what the temperature will be - to the exact degree - room temperature! 

That's trustworthy, everything else is open for debate, EVERYTHING else:

- texture?
- flavor?
- smell?
- quotent of salmonella?
- how many people will yell 'dibs' before you get to? 
- what are the rules and etiquette if two people think they called dibs first?
- of the several people who claim to have a definitive reason why they believe one or another person was in fact the person who called 'dibs' first who is most often considered to be dedicated to truth before any sort of favoritism or bias?
- who gets to decide who is most trustworthy based on that criteria and therefore to decide who called 'dibs' first? 
- who gets to decide who gets to decide who get to decide?
- how many times do you have to say decide before you start to forget what it really means? 
- what are the rules of rumble declared to sort out the all disagreements over both decision makers and who called 'dibs' first?
- Ok knives fine sure, but all sorts of knives? A Swiss army is different to a electrolyzed chefs bone slicing cleaver?
- why can't the two people who called 'dibs' at the same time just share?
- If they get to share, why can't everyone who called 'dibs' get a taste?
- why is speed in 'dibs' yelling so revered anyway? 
- who's eye ball is this? 
- Did someone lose an eye ball during the rumble? 
- seriously, I'll have it if no one else wants it? 

Yep those are all questions open for debate and therefore doubt, and doubt sucks. It's reliability that saves eye balls, which is why I love the best day of my life, I always know when it is, it's today, and that's reliable. 

Today I got up at a reasonable hour, got some work done, I'm on my way to a stand up gig, and I haven't gotten around to eating a meal yet so my losing weight efforts are working some more, in a reliably unhealthy way. Yep today is great. Plus just between you and me I KNOW who called 'dibs' first, but I reliably didn't speak up due to shyness and earned myself a sweet new eye ball! 

The best day ever extravagance - False Bottom Consciousness

Hello everybody, today was the best day of my life, yeah it was, yeah it was. Ok, now I hate myself.

What’s that ‘yeah it was, yeah it was’ shit Dave?
It was just random positivity David.
But it’s lame Dave. It’s like lame street talk sounding stuff, at least in my head, the way I hear it Dave.
Well I say using the word lame is lame. Plus ‘street talk’? Where did you pull that term out from?
Yeah, that is pretty embarrassing, but I am just trying to be positive ok, that is what these best day of your life blogs are all about.
It’s supposed to be the best day of your life too, it’s not all me.
But I am you.
That’s sweet. I am you. It says it all really. Although it’s also really fucking weird.
No I just mean that I am you, like literally. We are the same person.
But there are two of us talking?
Is there? Or have we separated from one only to be one once more?
Ooohhh, profound. Profoundity even.
You’re welcome.
I love you Dave, wait, we stopped saying each other’s names after everything, I have forgotten, am I Dave or David?
It doesn’t matter.
Why not?
Because I am you.
Didn’t we already do the ‘because I am you bit’?
No that was ‘but I am you’ this is ‘because I am you’, they are different, subtly different, but different all the same.
Single tear.
No you don’t.
No I said it rather than producing it, it’s like the modern way of squeezing out a single tear, you’d know that if you knew street talk.

The above did not really happen. I mean it happened, but it didn’t really happen. I don’t want to reveal the false bottom in the bottom of the top hat, because I like you looking at the bunny, and you like looking at the bunny, and because how is a false bottom not still just a bottom? It’s down there, it sure aint up the top, it’s a real fucking bottom, maybe not the bottom bottom, but it could be if it wanted to, you know, but I will reveal the magic trick just this one time, and let you know, against all normal belief, that the above was merely a dramatization of what I think it would be like to have an argument with different sides of my consciousness.

Yep I was merely acting.

No, no, no, no applause needed. I will take a bow, but only because that is the tradition at the end of a performance, and I honor such conventions of the theatre. Also, you are probably looking back over the performance thinking ‘well it’s obvious now, that street stuff was lame, plus so was the use of the word lame, and the use of terms like street talk, yet in the moment it felt real, wait a minute, wow, that wasn’t just acting, that was kick ass acting!’

No, no, no, no applause needed. I did the above performance not to garner applause, no, no, no, no of course not. Applause is a symptom of the disease of great acting, it cannot be, nor has it ever been, the motivation for it.

I bring this all up because today I was at a barbeque and I was fortunate enough to talk about acting with some actors and it was lovely, and inspiring. I haven’t had enough of those conversations recently. Talking craft with a peer is one of the forgotten charms of caring about a craft. 

And I bring this up because it was within this conversation that I finally came to a career defining decision about my ongoing acting career – I have decided that if I was a superstar actor that would be even better than being a megastar actor, because superman is better than megaman, and therefore the word super is better than the word mega, unless you’re talking about like the super in your apartment building, which often isn’t a particularly revered career path, although I don’t think apartment buildings have megas, and therefore even in this scenario super outranks mega.

So am I going to one day be a superstar actor, probably not, but at least I know now what the ultimate goal is, and if that isn’t profoundity then I don’t know what is.

Have you checked out my podcast yet, please

It's Sunday that means it's another time to jump into a BUBBLE with the Yes Vs No boys by POPPING into this weeks episode of Yes Vs No - Episode 20 - Do You Brush Your Teeth With Bubble Gum?

Check out this weeks, and every episode right here: