Saturday, September 10, 2016

Thirty three - Here they all come

I constructed a plan to allow me to start construction work immediately, with the plan mostly consisting of constructing a plan to just go ahead and start construction right away. Figuring out how to do this obviously look a little time, but after only an hour or two I had a brain wave - and then I took my head out of the microwave and just decided to start doing it, and where by 'it' I mean follow through on the plan I had constructed, where in this case the 'plan' consisted mostly of just starting the construction. 

Soon I was deep into it. I had work to do, and I had to do it NOW, and I had a BIG headache, so that also meant I wanted to get it over and done with NOW, and in a BIG way.

First I needed BIG forearms, luckily earlier that day I had cut my forearms out and replaced them with tire rubber I stole from a car in the carpark. This was later going to cause me BIG trouble, obviously, as it turned out it was the car I'd been given earlier, and I was going to have to put on the spare and get the old one fixed, which took three hours out of one of my days off. Dicks. But for now the new forearms were perfect. If I'd ever seen anyone else with them I'm sure I'd have started a trend.

Next step was building some lovely fire places. Some dick had spilled a huge fish-tank all over the floor, so I thought better of trying to get a fire going there, and decided instead to build them on the ceiling, luckily this was perfect, as I could still only look up, and Iceland's way up anyway, unless you're somewhere further north than Iceland, in which case it's down there, but after an hour or so reading a book called 'Employee Evaluations' in the restaurant library I became convinced that if there had have been an atlas I could have figured out where we were, and I bet it would be south of Iceland. I mean when I spat the spit went DOWN, not up, and landed right on the face of the woman in picture with that weirdo who was hanging around the library early.

Next I had to install the all ice floors, which turned out to be easy, as some genius had already spilled a huge fish-tank on the floor, leaving it all wet, so all I had to do was kneel down on it, which was easy as I'd recently started a trend by having my knee caps replaced with knee berets, so it was soft, and then all I had to do was imagine the icy reception I planned to give Kev next time I saw him. Which made me feel sad that our friendship faced a brief blip. And when I'm sad I hide in walk-in freezers. And when I hide in walk-in freezers I get scared of the dark so I leave the door open. And after only a few hours the whole restaurant, floor included, had frozen. 

My tooth was throbbing hard now, so I knew I was in danger, danger of making this spectacular! I just had to keep going. 

I made the menus out of plastic that looked edible, so no one would have to feel bad about accidentally inferring that they planned to eat the menu, yet I made sure to leave fragments of cockroach flesh in the mix, so most would probably only eat two or three menus before deciding to eat the restaurant food after all. 

NOW I used my keen observation skills to observe that in life lots of times people aren't that observant, and therefore they may be dumb, BIG time dumb, but at our restaurant we wouldn't make them feel that way, we'd treat people RIGHT, so luckily I was able to invent a desert that I coined 'an ancient Chinese cookie of wisdom', which were brilliant for several reasons, such as:

- I invented them
- They were wise 
- They were purely Icelandic (as this was now an ALL Icelandic restaurant, so they had to be)
- They were FRESH and NEW and super original
- Because I invented them 

Then I hung curtains in front of every doorway, how could we possibly treat people as right as they deserved if they didn't feel trapped inside for hours on end under fear of dealing with a fight with a foe as brutal as a curtain? Treating people right takes time!

All I needed now was whales, for their bones, flesh, husks, lips, gallbladders, excellent company, friendly demeanors, teeth, imagination, and because they were BIG, and every restaurant needs something BIG, and most of them need it NOW! 

Luckily all of my blood all over the place from my stomach wound had began to attract sharks - which attracted killer whales - which attracted other whales to see what the fuss was - which attracted a team of scientists - which attracted the media - whom the sharks then ate - which made the scientists hungry - which made them look around for something to eat - which made the whales nervous - which reminded the scientists of trying to talk to girls - which made them sad - which made them want to eat even more - which made the whales even more nervous - which made the scientists feel sort of sorry for them - so they quickly developed an artificial whale product that scientifically made exact whale replicas without ever needing to hurt a single whale - and by launching it in this restaurant we promised to eradicate world wide whaling! 

Next I just needed to know what would happen next, and luckily I had my sketchbook of 'Things I suspect  will probably happen next, and that suspicion is often sourced by clues, therefore I'm probably right' visual diary - and as I consulted it I used my keen powers of observation to observe that in all the drawings I had done in the last hour or so I had a smile on my face. This was good. This was very good. And by 'very' I meant 'extremely', and by 'good I meant 'not bad'. Yep we were in for a BIG morning, and the sunrise out the window suggested morning was NOW! 

To be fin*

*which is short for 'finished', to save the time typing the whole word 'finished' out 

*By the way, before I finish, have I mentioned how good scientists are?

*They're really* good, that how good they are! 

*And by 'really' I mean 'really, really'. 

Friday, September 9, 2016

Fun Facts vs recommendations

Fun fact - if you choose to believe that the word 'virgin' actually means 'she who lies about her desire for the scientific exploration of Jupiter'; then the bible reads different, possibly even VERY different. Depending on what you think 'Jupiter' means. I recommend you, like me, think it means 'big planet with that weird red birthmark, wait, or is that Star Wars?'   

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Thirty Two - As Absorbent As Asked For

It was a dry and coarse day, the day I found out how to develop the skill of being a great foreman, dry and coarse like the thick sandpaper most of us use to remove the tattoos we get on our necks every other week saying 'stop getting tattoos', only to forget to stop getting them as soon as they are removed. There really should be a way to remember something like that permanently! I blame the scientists, dicks. 

It was an interesting time to be alive that day, consider these amazing things going on around then:

- The band 'Enveloping Machine Kites' were dominating the charts with their song 'Renmbember our last hit single, the one called "Eat a Anvil", well we didn't mean it literally, stop sending us your dentist bills, if we'd meant it literally we would have named it the grammatically correct "eat AN anvil", rock bands never use bad grammar unless they're being IRONIC, everyone knows that you idiots' and was being called 'one of the songs of the summer most likely to cause teenagers to eat anvils', possibly because most radio stations couldn't be bothered to say the whole title, so introduced it as 'Eat an Anvil', but also because the melody was super catchy, and catchy melodies have been making people eat anvils since ancient Babylonia! 

- Radio announcers were being bashed in their dozens by irate parents after it was revealed that they were somehow encouraging kids to eat anvils, with many claiming that their annoying banter was full of subliminal messages, some of which were rumored to encourage anvil eating.

- Teenagers had invented a new slang term, routinely saying 'seriously it has nothing to do with the song or the radio announcers, we've been eating anvils because there was a rumor they are full of chocolate, honestly'. Which various experts and pundits debated the meaning of adnausium, with the most likely candidates being 'rad', 'swell', 'not too bad even if I do say so myself', 'radaroo' or 'please buy me an anvil for my birthday'. 

- In unrelated business news, for some unknown reason, baffling both experts AND pundits, sales of anvils were through the roof! 

- Meanwhile anvil experts and pundits maintained their fierce non-speaking terms rivalry with the slang experts and pundits. 

- And the awkward tension between the two camps radiated through society causing many to reduce how often they went to Expert and Pundit Amusement World, and the lack of stress reducing rollercoaster time lead to a stress induced scalp dermatitis outbreak across the nation. 

- And with blacksmith costs escalating rapidly due to the skyrocketing costs of anvils, no one wanted to risk blowing a horseshoe to get to the store to buy scalp moisturizing shampoo and conditioner. 

- Horse shoes of course all being what we all wore for shoes at the time after I started a trend after seeing a construction worker step on a nail and then get LOTS of attention from his co-workers, which seemed fun. 

Well anyway, i'm sure you ALL remember the Great Dandruffing Of '00. It was awesome. EVERYONE had scalp dermatitis induced dandruff, so no CARED about having scalp dermatitis induced dandruff. We all went sledding down mountains of freshly dropped dandruff. We sunbaked by the shore on dandruff beaches that seemed to stretch to the horizon, and as night approached we snuggled our sweeties buried in the dandruff to keep warm while watching the sunset. We raked dandruff into neat piles on our front lawns and then yelled at suburban kids to stop playing in it, knowing full well as soon as they disappeared we'd dive face first into it ourselves. We practiced our gymnastic tumbles fearlessly knowing we were landing in soft dandruff pits. At Italian restaurants we didn't need be asked if we'd like a sprinkling of parmesan, because our whole meals looked like a sprinkling of parmesan. I even heard that three scientists used dandruff samples to invent a more absorbent paper towel, which has probably saved tens of millions of trees, but is also super gross, people sometimes use paper towels to clean up spilled yogurt, yuck, do you know how gross and gooey yogurt is? Ewwwww. I blame scientists. Dicks. 

And it was while I sat at the top of the dandruff castle I'd built, that I was watching the foreman deal with the man who had stepped on the nail, and the hordes of fellow construction workers yelling 'he's gone for' and then trying to steal his packed lunch, and it was then that I realized exactly what you needed to be a good foreman - BIG forearms. And you needed them when you needed them, which in some cases was to push seventeen manly men to the ground and grab that Chicken, Tripe and Peach Relish on Sourdough for yourself, which for him was NOW! 

Yep I had all the knowledge I needed to be a great foreman. Which meant I had all I needed to make this a great Icelandic restaurant NOW, and you are damn sure I was ready to make this a BIG win. 

*Not long to go.

*Something I know due to the invention of time*.

*Which was invented by a team of scientists sick of their wives complaining they were late home from being shrunk and inserted inside laser shooting machines so that the lasers look really big and therefore way cool , so I won't hear* ANYONE say a bad word about scientists, knock it off, you dicks! 

*Mostly because I can't hear well, as I tend to have my ears full of balled up tissues* so I don't have to hear scientists go on and on about how way cool giant lasers are, annoying dicks. 

*Tissues being another great invention, invented by SCIENTISTS!*

*I really do love those guys.