Sunday, May 15, 2016

Twenty Three - See Through Shake

It was clear as day what I had to do, bright clear like the bright sun, clear as a cloud that's a cloudy cloud, and more specifically like a cloudy cloud which was so not cloudy that it was clear, as obvious as what's on the other side of a door, and when the door is made of air, and the air was made in a vacuum, and the vacuum hadn't sucked up whatever it was that was on the other side of the door, but HAD sucked up anything that was between the other side of the door and the thing on the other side of the door. Clearly I had to listen to my lesson - never ever EVER delay anything! 

I needed to know what dilly dally meant NOW, or I was in BIG danger of doing it, where 'it' meant 'dilly dally', and there was only one clear thing to do, clear as what's left behind after a nuclear bomb has been dropped on a town, and thousands of years have passed to let the radiation radiate away, and then the future people, most likely people who are part human, part robot, part mole, part alien and mostly balloons filled with lightning bugs, have gone 'you know what, let's just clear this whole area', and then despite not having any hands or even arms they have somehow managed to get ancient bulldozing technology to work and have miraculously pulled off this clearing, only to NOW be frustrated, as they have no idea what to do with this cleared area, and yet they, being beings without fingernails nor heads, can't even have the joyful physical satisfaction of scratching their noggins while they figure it out, yep I'm talking clear! 'Really clear' would he another way to put it. That's right - I had to have the manager of this restaurant fired, and hope that his replacement would swiftly add a dictionary to the restaurant library, and hopefully also use his managerial powers to have the man from the photos stop yelling at me so I could look in the dictionary in peace.

Now, having someone else fired isn't as fun as you'd think. They lose their jobs, their families possibly break up under the strain, they often cry, sometimes they make big heartbreakingly desperate yet ultimately fruitless speeches begging for another chance, and you have to watch them pour out with a yearning passion, a despairing need and a desperately impassioned hope for a reprieve born from their desperation and their passion, only to see their faces go white, and their hearts implode, as they are told that their efforts were frucked! Yeah sure, but yes, as strange as it seems, there can also be a DOWN side to having someone fired. 

For example it can sometimes appear to others that YOU are the bad guy. This is a HUGE sacrifice for someone like me, because I HATE seeming like the bad guy. Hate it like morning dew on my raincoat, 'hey it's a RAINcoat, not a DEWcoat you condensationed dick! Go to a restaurant library and read a friggin' dictionary!' I'm forced to scream. 

That's why I'm careful to be nice all the time. Like when I used to whip Kev, I always used a whip braided into the head of a girl I knew he found both pretty of face and of personality, and I made him walk in front of us, which gave heavily subtle phycological guidance that he was our 'pride' or 'flock' leader, even though he wasn't, and to make sure she didn't figure out the phycological games I was using to toy with her emotions, I'd tell her that Kev didn't date girls that had met a wizard. That's how nice I am. 

Being nice is just built into my soul, I tell myself that all the time, so I know it's true, and having this man fired was just an extension of that, I just had to be willing to sacrifice 'looking' like the bad guy, even though I was clearly the good guy here. 

The only thing that wasn't clear was whether I'd be ABLE to make this sacrifice. Ableness is not my forte. My forte is wrestling fructose deficient Freemasons, frequenting firestorm founders fondle fountains, and starting trends, and you only get one forte, so ableidity could never be it. And this could be BIG. This little nugget of murkiness was as misty as a fog descended into the darkened windows of a nugget factory, but I had to wipe the window with a cloth NOW, and it had to be a BIG cloth, because it often stinks in nugget factories, so they need BIG windows to open to let the stink soar! 

Would I ponder making this sacrifice? You're damn right I would!  

*The results of such pondering to be revealed*

*Revealed like what was on the other side of that door*

*Which was a wizards* hat.

*The wizard himself was vacuumed up, they really need to work on their anti-being-vacuumed spells, we get it, you've got the going 'poof' and  disappearing into a cloud of smoke thing nailed, but we then always need to get out vacuums to clean up the dusty residue that this leaves behind and I for one am sick of having to shake you wizards out of my vacuum bag, dicks!