Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Signs you're currently locked inside a small cage

I know what you're thinking - ‘my life feels small, tight, enclosed, almost locked away, but maybe it's not my life, maybe it's just my body, as perhaps I'm currently literally locked inside a small cage, but how could I possibly know?’

Well I feel your pain. I know you're headspace, I've been there myself, that's why, and this is a Fleeting Forever exclusive, I went out and did the research and found out just how to tell if you ARE currently locked inside a small cage.

After several years of testing, experimenting, surveying and even imagining (that was Einstein's method so you can trust it) I have discovered the following three ways of knowing definitively if you may currently me locked inside a small cage:

1. You were recently deeply entrenched in a dispute over who was next in line to buy gelato, after the physical brawl, where you lost an ear, but the other guy lost a fibula, the manger finally decided to make a decision, but not wanting to get in the middle he delegated the role to the new girl who works three hours on every Tuesday and Thursday that her tennis coach is in jail, which has been six straight months now, she really should look at the piece of paper that the judge sent her detailing his conviction and sentence, although it should be noted that his conviction was due to a drink driving offense, and he never acted inappropriately towards any of the girls or boys he coached, it's a shame that needs to be said, but maybe clichés exist for a reason, and of course this does not in anyway diminish how bad drink driving is in itself, and we should all be thankful that all he did was knock over a mail box, then drive into a pool, and again when we say 'all he did' we do not want to take away the pain of the pool boy who was scooping car parts out of that pool for weeks, once the school girl had fruitlessly made a facial expression suggesting that she did not want that responsibility, that she  then looked over at you holding that guys fibula, and it reminded her of her 86th favorite movie, the Burbs, staring Tom Hanks, Corey Feldman and possibly one of the Quaid brothers, and is possibly about a man who's dog digs up a fibula from the backyard of his neighbors, and the neighborhood start to suspect them of being killers, although she's not a hundred percent sure, and in fact what she's calling a fibula maybe is actually called a femur? I mean fuck off, she's 16, she doesn't know all the names of bones, and in fact it would be weird if she did! In any case she said 'I guess the guy holding the leg bone can go first' and as you started yelling 'woo-hoo' and began to use his leg bone to play drums on an overturned empty ice-cream canister, the other guy suddenly said 'oh yeah, go first if you want, but just see what will happen?' And then you replied 'why don't you tell me, I respond to threats layered with specificity way more than ones leaving me to fill in the gaps, because at the core I'm an optimist, and I tend to fill in those gaps with balloons and trips to the zoo' and he replied with 'ok, fair enough, well I have a small cage at my house and I will put you in it' and you were like ‘alright man, that doesn't sound that bad, could be an adventure, or at least lead to a good story to tell, hey girly, hit me with a scoop of vanilla bean, and what ever this guy wants, and be snappy I want to get into this cage quickly, before I lose my nerve'. And this all happened about how long it would take to get from the gelato store to the guys cage, plus a minute or two of shoving time, then you may well currently be in a small cage!

2. If you yourself ARE a very small cage, and the store selling you has displayed you inside a slightly bigger cage to conserve floor space, you may currently be in a small cage.

3. If all sides of you seem to be entrapped between the walls a small cage, you may currently be in a small cage.

So that's it, that's the three ways to know if you may currently be in a small cage. I hope you got lucky and are in one! That is if that's what you were hoping for, and if it wasn't, what's wrong with you? Why don't you want adventures or fun stories to tell?

Burning down the house

I like to think that if my house was on fire the following things would go through my mind.

- Oh no, my house is on fire, boo.
- This sucks. Did I say boo yet?
- Oh I did? 
- When? 
- Oh right, right, right, right, right. 
- Ha ha, that's fun to say over and over, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, ha ha, it never gets old, right, right, right, right, I could seriously be here for a long while, right, right, right. 
- What do you mean, snap out of it because my house is on fire? 
- Oh no, my house is on fire! Boo. 
- Oh wait maybe it's just smoke? 
- It could be couldn't it? 
- Maybe this could be just a really badly burned toast scenario?
- I don't have housemates, so I guess it would have to be a ghost.
- But that would explain the burning, cause he's trying to hit eject on the toaster, but his hand is going right through it, and that means it's going through the hot part too, which would hurt BAD, so I'm not going to chastise him for a little smoke.
- Can it be just smoke if there are huge flames bellowing out of he windows? 
- Nope? 
- Damn it. That means it's fire? 
- Boo.
- Wait, unless it's steam?
- Can it be steam and have bellowing flames? 
- Damn it.
- Is bellowing the right word? That's more for smoke than the flames right? 
- No I don't know either, that's why I asked dick. 
- Although if it WAS steam, that would be badass, because it probably would mean that a steam powered time machine has arrived! 
- It could be a messenger from the future just for me!
- Do time machines ever emit fire? 
- You know what? Probably! 
- Cause steam isn't going to be powerful enough to get you through time.
- The steam-engine probably just powers up the flashing lights that make the machine look all spacey.
- Wow, a time machine, in MY house! 
- This is mad!
- Do people still say 'mad' meaning 'rad'?
- Do people still say 'rad' meaning 'good'?
- Is 'good' still 'good', I mean it's not 'awesome', or even 'great'? 
- Maybe time machine person can tell me about mad new words from the future! 
- Wow.
- I wonder if one will be 'hertja', that'd  be rad. 
- I wonder why I was chosen? 
- What's special about me?
- Do I have anything that people in the future might need? 
- I still have my old high-school text books that have all the key sentences highlighted so that only the most useful of the endless lines of uselessness need be read? 
- Nah, I don't think they need those. Plus I've got doodles of boobs all through them. In the future they probably have virtual reality doodles of boobs! 
- My detailed knowledge of beetle attitudes towards various types of human could be valuable? Maybe in the future they're all unsure about certain beetles and their relationships with Asian women?
- But nah, they'd probably just chuck a bunch of beetles into a pit with a bunch of Asian women and observe themselves. 
- My ability to be a corporate stooge while simultaneously being a corporate stooge for the original corporate's corporate rivals is still strong? Possibly. That is pretty valuable.
- That kind of extremely loyal lack of loyalty may help thwart an intergalactic disagreement?
- But then again if there are intergalactic battles going on they probably WOULD want my boob covered book on the Iranian hostage situation from the 70s or whatever, I never read it, and we've already established that they have virtual reality doodles of boobs.
- So what do I have that's valuable?
- Oh holy hell.
- My god. 
- I know what it is! 
- I just bought a new box of ice-cream sandwiches, oh my god someone call 911 - I'm being fucking time robbed!!!!
- And they're burning down my house to cover up the evidence! 
- Which means even if they don't discover the second batch of ice-cream sandwiches I hid behind the frozen apple pie they may end up melting! 
- Those future mother fuckers. 
- Oh wait.
- I just remembered something. 
- I don't own a house. 
- Or live in America, so 911 won't do shit. 
- Also why am I holding an industrial sized bottle of kerosene and some extra long matches intended for lighting barbecues? 
- Oh that's right, I'm an arsenist, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, seriously ENDLESS fun. 
- I wonder if anyone did call the cops? 
- Oh fuck, RUUUUUUNNNN!!!