Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Signs you're currently locked inside a small cage

I know what you're thinking - ‘my life feels small, tight, enclosed, almost locked away, but maybe it's not my life, maybe it's just my body, as perhaps I'm currently literally locked inside a small cage, but how could I possibly know?’

Well I feel your pain. I know you're headspace, I've been there myself, that's why, and this is a Fleeting Forever exclusive, I went out and did the research and found out just how to tell if you ARE currently locked inside a small cage.

After several years of testing, experimenting, surveying and even imagining (that was Einstein's method so you can trust it) I have discovered the following three ways of knowing definitively if you may currently me locked inside a small cage:

1. You were recently deeply entrenched in a dispute over who was next in line to buy gelato, after the physical brawl, where you lost an ear, but the other guy lost a fibula, the manger finally decided to make a decision, but not wanting to get in the middle he delegated the role to the new girl who works three hours on every Tuesday and Thursday that her tennis coach is in jail, which has been six straight months now, she really should look at the piece of paper that the judge sent her detailing his conviction and sentence, although it should be noted that his conviction was due to a drink driving offense, and he never acted inappropriately towards any of the girls or boys he coached, it's a shame that needs to be said, but maybe clichés exist for a reason, and of course this does not in anyway diminish how bad drink driving is in itself, and we should all be thankful that all he did was knock over a mail box, then drive into a pool, and again when we say 'all he did' we do not want to take away the pain of the pool boy who was scooping car parts out of that pool for weeks, once the school girl had fruitlessly made a facial expression suggesting that she did not want that responsibility, that she  then looked over at you holding that guys fibula, and it reminded her of her 86th favorite movie, the Burbs, staring Tom Hanks, Corey Feldman and possibly one of the Quaid brothers, and is possibly about a man who's dog digs up a fibula from the backyard of his neighbors, and the neighborhood start to suspect them of being killers, although she's not a hundred percent sure, and in fact what she's calling a fibula maybe is actually called a femur? I mean fuck off, she's 16, she doesn't know all the names of bones, and in fact it would be weird if she did! In any case she said 'I guess the guy holding the leg bone can go first' and as you started yelling 'woo-hoo' and began to use his leg bone to play drums on an overturned empty ice-cream canister, the other guy suddenly said 'oh yeah, go first if you want, but just see what will happen?' And then you replied 'why don't you tell me, I respond to threats layered with specificity way more than ones leaving me to fill in the gaps, because at the core I'm an optimist, and I tend to fill in those gaps with balloons and trips to the zoo' and he replied with 'ok, fair enough, well I have a small cage at my house and I will put you in it' and you were like ‘alright man, that doesn't sound that bad, could be an adventure, or at least lead to a good story to tell, hey girly, hit me with a scoop of vanilla bean, and what ever this guy wants, and be snappy I want to get into this cage quickly, before I lose my nerve'. And this all happened about how long it would take to get from the gelato store to the guys cage, plus a minute or two of shoving time, then you may well currently be in a small cage!

2. If you yourself ARE a very small cage, and the store selling you has displayed you inside a slightly bigger cage to conserve floor space, you may currently be in a small cage.

3. If all sides of you seem to be entrapped between the walls a small cage, you may currently be in a small cage.

So that's it, that's the three ways to know if you may currently be in a small cage. I hope you got lucky and are in one! That is if that's what you were hoping for, and if it wasn't, what's wrong with you? Why don't you want adventures or fun stories to tell?

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