Thursday, May 7, 2015

The future... Today!!!

I just saw a BMW commercial saying 'experience the ideas of tomorrow  today'. Sounds exciting right? 

Really fucking exciting. Tomorrow is the future for fucks sake, that's almost time travel! In a car. How did no one ever think of such a thing before?

I was about to drop everything and sprint to the BMW shop as fast as possible (apparently they don't deliver. Um if I had a car to drive to the store why do I need to buy one dicks?) 

But we're talking the future here people! How could I possibly wait. Wait for the future to arrive? 

A little bit of history for you all: Until now waiting has literally been the only way to get to the future. The definition of 'wait' should literally be - 'how you get to the future'. Which actually makes the word 'wait' seem kind of badass. 

Until you've done the waiting that is, at which point it doesn't matter how long the wait was, if you ask someone what time it is they will never ever say 'the future'! They'll only say the time is 'now'. 

Yep it's all a scam. The only way to get to the future is to 'wait' and it doesn't matter how long you wait the only place you can get to is 'now'. 

It's a problem that has tarnished the previously good name of almost every scientist from Newton to Einstein to Socrates to Dylan. No one could figure out how to get to tomorrow. 

But now BMW had solved it. The dicks wouldn't deliver, so I looked up the bus schedule, there wasn't one for forty five minutes, to get to the car that could let me experience the ideas of tomorrow today I'd first have to wait. The irony was so biting that I immediately had to mop up blood from my tongue. So I hit pause on my DVR and ran to the bathroom. 

Then it hit me, I'd hit 'pause'. This show isn't live? 

I ran back to my living room, blood running down my chin both literally and figuratively. I leapt forward in a swan dive across my rug towards the remote control that was conveniently left on the floor. 

With fresh rug burns covering most of the front of my body, I hit 'info' on my remote, the tension in the air was so biting that I cut my tongue off with a knife to stop the bleeding....

Seven days old. 

Seven whole days old. 

Seven whole long fucking days old.

BMW had promised the ideas of tomorrow today, but that today was seven days ago, and that tomorrow was six days ago, which means their future was so outdated that it was almost laughable. 

I say 'almost' because it turns out it's practically impossible to laugh without a tongue. 

BMW could no longer offer the ideas of tomorrow today. Only the ideas of seven days ago six days ago. The devastation was so biting I deep throated a spongecake to stop the bleeding. 

Then it occurred to me - medical care. I called up the hospital and asked for directions, they said not to worry that they had ambulances, medical care that they... Delivered! 

I'd say 'now THAT'S the future today' but I can't talk because I no longer have a tongue, and have a mouth full of spongecake, the irony is so biting I bet the ambulance vehicle will be a BMW!