Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How Scarlett seduced Sean

According to Star magazine 'Scarlett Johansson seduced Sean Penn'. Now I cannot confirm or deny this, but it sounds fucking ludicrous to me, so if its true I kind of think it probably went a little bit like this.

Scarlett Johansson - Hi Sean

Sean Penn - Oh my god, hi, Scarlett, Oh shit I just came in my pants

SJ - Ha Ha, how are you?

SP - Seriously shut the fuck up and leave me alone, my jeans are ruined and my boner is so fucking raging I think I am going to burst a blood vessel

SJ - You're so funny, what have you been up to?

SP - Are you not listening you idiot? Do you not know who I am?

SJ - Of course, one of the most respected actors of a generation, if we banged I might have some 'respect' in my vagina for once

SP - Seriously? Please stop that. For starters I am not just respected but I consider myself a genius of such high level that my actions can stop wars and natural disasters, but that's not what I meant, I mean do you know who I was married too?

SJ - Oh yeah Robin!

SP - Yes Robin Wright, a very talented actress and great person, but someone most known for playing 'Jenny', a girl who fucked a retard then died of AIDs, do you know what that does to your sex life?

SJ - Sorry, I zoned out, did you say sex? Have you seen how curvy I am, how heaving my breasts are and how raspy my voice is? Apparently these things make everyone want to have sex with me, I don't know if its true, but everyone I have ever met has wanted to have sex with me, good thing for them I usually let them!

SP - Seriously fuck you, don't say shit like that, (stay calm boner blood vessels, stay calm)

SJ - Fuck me? Oh you can if you want, you have Oscars, if I fuck you its like I have Oscars

SP - Do you hear yourself, I just confessed that my married sex life was marred by thoughts of retards and AIDs and you say that to me? Do you know how saturated with cum my pants are right now? (Oh my god, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing)

SJ - Ha Ha, you're so silly Sean, I like silly

SP - Stop it, fucking stop it. I am in my mid fifties, I am well known for being craggy, stand offish, rude, ungrateful, and I claim I spend everyday living in Haiti helping the poor, yet still manage to show up all sorts of places outside of Haiti, why are you even talking to me?

SJ - Were you really married?

SP - Seriously? More than once in fact. I hate fame, yet I once married the biggest fame whore of all time - Madonna, a woman who has a gap tooth so wide when she blew me my penis fit between her teeth like a dingy in the ocean, and someone who has forearm veins like a log cabin, have you never seen the tabloids? (Oh my god, why did I think of 'veins'?)

SJ - Whats a tabloid? Is that like a sex act you want to perform on me, cause you can if you want, in my mind it would give me so much career credibility

SP - My god, have some self respect girl, you could be with anyone on earth if you wanted to be, why even talk to an angry old man like me

SJ - Wait, you want to have angry sex? That's one of my 152 favorite types of sex

SP- No, I am trying to say I am a brilliant actor, seriously brilliant, I could play a bottle of coke in a movie about carpet fibers and they would give me Oscars and praise, and I would claim I hate acting and fame, and although I could quite easily give both up, having both makes it easier to pretend I actually care about humanitarian issues more than anything else, and plus money and fame are awesome, even though I pretend to hate them, its like people who are homeless are always saying, 'Sean Penn could give up money and fame and give it all to us, but instead he chooses money and fame, that's how I feel about being homeless, it sucks, but its better than the alternative, so god bless Sean Penn, he is so awesome its worth sleeping on the street for him to exist', yet still, as good as I am, and 'good' is the worlds biggest understatement, but I am brilliant, yet you could bang any guy on earth, (that's right Sean, let the truth ease your boner pain) why would you even consider banging me? (Oh shit, why did I say that, oh my god, don't burst penis vein, please don't burst!)

SJ - Did you say bang? I'd bang just about anyone! I know it sounds weird, but I literally could bang just about anyone on earth, and I am about to bang you, that clearly proves I would bang just about anyone

SP - You'd bang anyone? Aaaaaggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

SJ - What was that?

SP - Auggh, oh nothing (oh my god my penis vein just burst, holy shit this hurts, cover cover) I was just asking, you'd bang anyone?

SJ - Sure Sean, ha ha, sure Sean, 'bang' that's like a Flintstones character, that sounds funny!

SP - (Holy shit, is she retarded? That's just like Jenny, oh my god, what do I do? Go for it Sean, go for it, just remember how brilliant you are!) So um, even though since we have talked I have dropped so much cum in my pants I am about to pass out from dehydration (oh shit that's smooth Sean, keep it up) I would fuck you so stupid, by which I mean how stupid looking are old man balls?

SJ - Oh my god Sean, you're dehydrated? Poor baby, lets fuck off to Mexico together, people who go there are always getting diarrhea, but if you're cummed out dehydrated I am sure that extra liquid will end up in your testicles instead!

SP - That may be the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, but my god, despite all the many, many, many, many reasons you could so easily do better than me, by apart from anything else, say, going to an NFL game, getting naked and putting a sign up above your head proclaiming 'stick anything inside me' and ending up with random penises, hotdogs and bags of popcorn shoved in you, all of which would be better lovers than me, if not more brilliant artists (no one is a more brilliant artist that me! I've been saying I hate this gig and I want to retire for years, and I haven't, clearly its because I know no one is better than me, remember Sean, remember) still, geez at least a hotdog doesn't have old man balls, despite all that, I am tempted (perfect 'tempted' saves you from rejection should it come, yeah right, as you could act out making love to her and it'd be better than any actual sex she's ever had - goooooo Pennnnnn!!!!)

SJ - Ha ha, popcorn, want to pop open my vagina?

SP - Ok fuck it, and by 'it' I mean 'you' lets piss off to Mexico and bang, but if anyone asks I was in Haiti ok?

SJ - Ha Ha 'asks' is that a sex act you want to perform on me, if you have Oscars you can perform any sex act on me you want

SP - You seriously may be the best invention ever, are you a robot?

SJ - Whats a robot, is that like your penis, oh my god stick your Oscar winning 'robot' in me now!

SP - By the way, have you ever heard of a guy named David Tieck?

SJ - No! Although he sounds like a jealous douche, I'd fuck just about anything but a jealous douche

SP - Me too Scarlett, me too....

SJ & SP - Ha ha ha, jealous douches, what rarely fucked losers!