I mean, some people!

'I'm the kind of guy who often likes to jump through hoops' I said.

'If there is a hoop I'm jumping through it.

Even if it's on fire.

Now I'm not saying I want it to be on fire.

Why would I?

I'm a rational human being. 

Why on earth would I WANT a hoop I'm jumping through to be on fire?' I asked.

'Ok, sure maybe there is water on the other side of the hoop.

Maybe it's a cold day.

Perhaps I'm not wearing a wetsuit.

As I often am not.

At least three days a week I go completely wetsuit free.

Or naked as I call it.

It can get me in trouble...

"Oh I was naked by the playground last night?" May be something I say.

To a cop.

If he asks me why I'm in a park alone at night.

"I'm trying to relive fond memories'". I'll add.

But he doesn't know that when I am naked I mean I am fully dressed.

And therefore not in a wetsuit.

As those can be uncomfortable and cumbersome. 

Plus if he could give me an effin' break for a moment.

I could explain to him that when I say playground I mean my underground wolf pit.

Which is where I fight wolves to the death.

Something I normally only do in a wetsuit.

Because if I flood the pit an hour or two before the fight the wolves are WAY easier to defeat.

So of COURSE I'm going to go to a park at night and sit and fondly remember my first naked victory' I answered.

'Also, obviously, at a park I'm going to get a way better chance to big-note in front of other woodland creatures, bushland creatures, forrestland creatures and even domesticated animals on the lamb, than say staying in my recently fumigate house.

Now aren't I? 

And of course I fumigate everyday. 

Who wants fucking spiders eating all your bowls of flies? 

NO ONE!' I added. 

'So yeah, in this scenario I can see how I may want the hoop to be on fire.

So that I'm nice and toasty when I land in the water on the other side. 

But when I say I like to jump through hoops I'm not necessarily saying that I want to do it during a water park themed circus act. 

That's just not a leap you should automatically make.

Although I understand where you are coming from and why you're coming from there.

It a good place.

A fun place.

I bet there are Dolphins there.

But I have to tell you, and I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but I don't do a water park circus act.

At least not anymore.

I gave it up after the legendary napkin incident.

When I slid on some soap, hurtled into the audience, head butted an old man, and when I looked up at the Jumbatron and saw that my face was covered in mostly old man blood (you could tell it was his because it was almost translucent with lack of life), I then casually turned to the old man's young granddaughter and said, "excuse me miss, may I please borrow a napkin" I blew the house down' I boasted.

'I mean people were BLOWN AWAY by my calmness and wit, in what was an otherwise slightly tense moment.

Obviously because I'd messed up my trick when I slipped in soap.

And instead I'd turned it into a triumph.

Laughter rained, cheers exploded, sirens sang!

Of course they were mostly ambulances for the old man, who by this stage seemed certain to die, but in the moment they felt more likely to be for my grand moment.

If I had not stood and asked to be literally blown back to the stage from overwhelming applause then the ambulance may have even reached the old man in time.

So I don't do water park based circus acts anymore.

I already reached he peak of that field' I gloated. 

'Nope I'm a hoop jumper now. 

But not hoop earrings. 

Because they remind me of ears.

Which remind me of ear canals.

Which remind me of the canals of Venice, Italy.

Which remind me of the canals of Amsterdam, The Netherlands.

Which remind of the people of the never lands.

Which is my fun little nickname for people who live in Venice, California. 

Because they hardly ever become property barons. 

Which reminds me of the legendary moonshine barons of the South African apartheid era copiers of the legendary moonshine barons of prohibition. 

Which remind me of rivers of spilt booze. 

Which remind me of the canals of Venice, California. 

Which is where I first lost an ear in a water fight with a wolf.

Also I struggle to fit through most hoop earrings' I explained.

'And trust me, the girls wearing them prefer if you get through WITHOUT a violent struggle.

I think that's why most girls prefer date fit guys than morbidly obese sperm whales. 

Poor sperm whales. 

Can't even get a gig at the water park.

Plus they have that awful word in their name

"Perm" which reminds people of greasy guys in the 80s who were always jerking off.

Which reminds people of sperm' I concluded.

 

'So NO, I do NOT want to substitute my fries for onion rings! Do I look like I fucking brought my wetsuit and a pack of rabid wolves?' I answered! 

I mean, some people, am I right? 

How stomach shrinkingly romantic

Yesterday, for the first time in a long history of gym attendance, I saw a mirage; the much talked about but always absent - beautiful girl working-out sans both boyfriend AND wedding ring! I know it sounds impossible doesn’t it guys? But it really happened! (Then again it is just the gym in my building, it is a big building, yet it is a building big on couples, damn I hate couples).

Shocked to the core I could do nothing but peddle my bike mindlessly as I stared at her ass moving all around as she skipped a merry beat on the treadmill in front of me. I was mesmerized; both because it was a lovely ass, and because the gym is really boring, so forming a crush is alarmingly easy. I’ve formed crushes on condensation on the window before ‘hey there baby, you really are looking…. moist’.

And form a crush I did. Obviously I had to make a move. Taking into account the thousands of morale destroying rejections your average thirty something male has encountered in his life, and not wanting to make a fool out of myself in front of someone I may well see in the elevator every few days, I decided that it was worth risking all, so make a move I did - yep I moved machines to the one adjacent to hers and when she alighted and walked past my elliptical machine I totally sped up! Awesome first impression won!

‘Hey aren’t you that guy from the gym who ellipticals really hard?’ she is bound to say if she sees me in the elevator sometime soon
‘Oh do I? It just feels like average hardness to me’ I can suavely reply
‘Well it’s way harder than I go’
‘Really you look like you could handle going pretty hard if you wanted to’
‘It’s hard to say, I have never tested my hardness capabilities before, maybe I should try going harder next time’
‘If you need help I can show you how I manage to go so hard’
‘That would be great, because as I mentioned you do seem to go hard’
‘It’s easy for me to go hard, I wake up in the morning hard, that’s just the kind of exerciser I am. Hard that is’

Now with monotonous small talk over I can feel safe to throw in some sexual innuendo:

‘Hey there baby, you really are looking…. moist, wait I mean, you were, in the gym, that time I saw you, because you were sweaty, not that I was watching, your sweat that is, I was watching your ass, um, I mean I was too busy going hard baby’.

Yep the dance of romance has begun. I am not even going to wait till I spot her in the gym, the next step is obvious, I just need to keep going to the gym at around the same time everyday hoping she shows up and doesn’t bring a boyfriend, but does keep wearing those little shorts and sports bra, and keeps noticing how hard I go.

In the meantime a couple of other things I need to get off my chest:

Note to Asian girl who has the physique of a malnutritioned flagpole, you don’t NEED an hour of cardio a day, plus even your camel toe looks like it could do with some food. Still, I would like to cup your tiny ass.

Note to guy with gigantic biceps yet enormous fat gut, you DO need cardio, lay off the steroids and weights, plus divorce your wife she is FAR too hot for you. Still, I would like to cup your chubby ass.

Note to Greenpeace worker I met today, man you were cute, if we dated would you think about whales while we had sex or would you think about sex with me while you were saving whales? Because both are a super turn on.

Wait, wait, wait…. whales…. blow holes…. blowjobs, you freaking Jedi mind tricked me didn’t you? Still, I would like to cup your tiny ass.

Also if you see a whale tell it from me ‘hey there baby, you really are looking…. moist’ cause if it isn’t moist it could die at any moment, and what kind of Greenpeace worker just sits and watches that happen?