Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Guest blogger - old salty

The name's old salty, although I'm not sure why people call me that, it could be my rich salt colored hair, or the fact my diet consists of nothing but stolen fast-food restaurant salt sachets, or maybe it's because when I meet people and they ask for my name I say 'just call me old salty', it's hard to tell really, and I don't go around asking people, that would be stupid, and take up way too much time, time I need to steal salt. 

I'm a stock broker by trade, what? What did you think I was going to say, that I run salt mines? Are you daft, daft in the face, like a daft person?Why would I have to fucking steal salt if I RAN salt mines?

'Well why do you have to steal salt if you're a stock broker?' I hear you ask.

And I'm glad you asked - because it lets me sing this song, my favorite song in the world...

My purchases in stocks
That were stocks in companies 
That own stocks in others companies
That own salt mines
Didn't do well financially
Costing me money financially 
Which was money I wanted financially
Now it's no longer mine 

I should point out that my favorite song is a song I don't like one little bit, I fucking hate songs, I HATE them, why do people play them
all the time? Even at their best the rhymes are poor, and the themes bring up really fucking bad memories. Stop fucking playing music you dicks, don't make me do what I always do, SQUEEZE YOU SO FUCKING HARD THAT YOUR HEART SLOWLY HARDENS IN THE ARTERY AREAS AND IF YOU DONT GET MEDICAL AND LIFESTYLE ATTENTION IN THE FORM OF DRUGS, EXERCISE AND DIET CONTROL YOU'LL DIE!!! 

Oh wait, maybe that's why they call me old salty, because I fuck up hearts like salt. Sweet, today was fun, thanks for letting me blog Dave, and now that I'm done I can go have some delicious salt sachets, awesome day.