I woke up with a
fucked neck yesterday. Really fucked. As in I’m in owys and I don’t like being
in owys, boo me. Also I went to the chiropractor today, well known as the most trustworthy
and honest of all medical practitioners (in stark contrast to the filthy lying
pediatricians – they say having kids is a good idea, yeah right!) and the
chiropractor says I might not be a hundred percent right for six weeks. Good
god, I’m walking around like a fucking rusty robot (which is also the name of
an awesome sex move I invented, it’s basically a rusty trombone with flawless
math skills).
In better news, while
I was at the chiropractor I learned some surprising facts about the neck that
most people probably don’t know. Such as:
- Surprisingly,
when you hurt it, it’s owy.
- Really
owy.
- I’ve been forced to stand and sit with my head
hung in shame because it’s the most comfortable position, but it turns out when
you put your body in that position all day it can dampen your mood.
- Being
owy can also dampen your mood.
- Being
owy is nowhere near as highly respected as being owly.
- Being
owy is also far less advantageous than being owly in helping you get away with
eating small mice in public.
- Jellyfish
don’t have necks and yet are probably the most gregarious thing in the ocean.
- Neanderthal
Man’s neck was often owy, hence why they never figured out complex solutions to
problematical issues instigated from the lack of fully developed brain.
- It’s
the bottle, rather than the neck, which create the ‘excitement’ in a traffic
bottleneck conundrum (the neck only creates stupid ‘delightment).
- The
word gregarious is fun to say.
- No
one who was born without a neck has ever won the X-factor, although three
neckless people have won ‘cutest freak’ at the Bungarra NSW local fair (or as
the locals call it ‘cutest local’).
- A
jellyfish and a woman can create a baby with a neck, but a man and a jellyfish
cannot, because clearly jellyfish are sexist.
- Necks
don’t like being whacked with oars, it hurts their feelings.
- If
you can remove a human’s neck with your bare hands without spilling a drop of
blood you’re probably a neat freak.
Alright I gots to go,
I’m owy. Have I mentioned yet that I’m owy? I hate being owy. Oh man, I wish I
was owly :(
