Monday, November 9, 2009

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 26


“Something is always better than nothing;

Be happy with what you’ve got!”

I woke up the next morning with a sense of anticipation, but also with a sense of dread. I had had a very restless nights sleep. I had spent hours lying awake day dreaming about Ellie, until I’d fall asleep and have actual dreams about something far less interesting, and my brain would somehow realize this, so I wouldn’t let those dreams develop, instead I’d wake up, and day dream about Ellie. Until exhaustion would take control of my body, and again I’d drift off to sleep and real actual dreams, and again my brain wouldn’t like it and wake me. ....

By the time I woke up for the final time, the first thing I did was roll over and stare at the phone. The chances of that phone ringing anytime that day were about the same as the chances of me opening the window and discovering a crowd of female porn stars asking if they could practice for their next movies with me.

However I knew for sure that there was no way in hell I was going to go more than two meters away from that phone until Ellie called again. That was not a call I was willing to miss under any circumstances. Fortunately having given myself a two meter radius of the phone as my area to explore for the day, I could still reach every corner of my tiny apartment. So I was able to distract myself at least slightly by normal mundane day off activities like blocking my arteries with bacon and egg grease, and damaging my brain capacity by watching a bunch of starving losers holding up piles of sticks for as long as they could to try and win something retarded called ‘immunity’.

Still when my phone actually rung it was such a shock that my pancreas nearly exploded. The body is just not designed to cope with such a sudden burst of nervousness. I slowly lifted the receiver and brought it to my ear.

“Heeelllllooooo” I answered

“Hey draino, whatcha doing?” Hannah said from the other end

“Nothing much, just watching TV”

“Where were you last night” I tried calling like five times”

“Well, I guess I better tell you…..I was with Ellie”


“It’s sort of a long story”

“Ok I understand, I’ll be there is five minutes”

She hung up the phone, and sure enough in four minutes and thirty seven seconds she was sitting on the couch asking me to tell her what happened and spare no details what so ever. So I told Hannah the whole story, every little detail. I’m not usually one to give out every little detail of personal events that have happened to me, but for some reason I was compelled to spill every single bit of my evening to Hannah. I did regret mentioning to her that despite the less than sexual nature of our conversation, sitting staring at Ellie for a couple of hours in a restaurant had caused my penis to feel sore from the strain of my erection trying desperately hard to rip apart the zipper in my jeans. Hannah resisted the obvious temptation to bag me out about that non stop forever, and instead chose to only make a joke alluding to the fact that if I could stay hard for that long then maybe she should have sex with me after all. Hannah really is sweet. I guess that’s what made me comfortable enough to put my faith in her, and tell her the whole story. I did need someone to talk to about it, it made me feel much better having Hannah tell me over and over that Ellie will call eventually.

Hannah agreed with me that it was about a million to one shot that Ellie would call me again so soon. She also understood my desire to sit by the phone all day anyway. Fortunately she said she knew exactly what to do. “Wait here” she said, then disappeared out the door to god only knew where.

I waited in the quiet for about fifteen minutes, wondering if Hannah’s idea of “I know just what to do about this” was to abandon me and let me suffer alone. Then felt extremely guilty to have ever thought such a thing when she came back inside with a big bag of stuff.

“Now every girl in the world has had a day like this JayJay, where you’re waiting for a call from a boy that will probably never come…today I mean, Ellie will call you though….and every girl knows the remedy to this problem is to gorge themselves on junk food, so that if he ever does decide to call he will have to put up with a five kilogram heavier version of you as a punishment for not calling earlier” Hannah explained

“I thought girls don’t like it if you call too soon?” I asked

“Oh no…you can’t call too soon, but you have to call soon enough”

“How do you know which is too soon and which isn’t soon enough?”

“I guess it depends on the situation”

“But that just makes it so hard….for everyone”

“I guess it is kind of confusing…but you learn to play the game after a while”

“Fucking girls”

“I know we can be bloody hard to deal with cant we….I’ve had to put up with that crap for years….but anyway…so what I have here for us is (she reached into her bag and started to pull out items one by one) microwave popcorn, a bag of jelly babies, a block of caramello chocolate, a block of white cookies and cream chocolate…I know your favorite, and the most important item of all, a tub of premium grade extra sugary extra fatty ice cream and a bottle of hot fudge. Oh and of course a bunch of chicks flicks for us to watch”

“This doesn’t seem so bad” I said as Hannah opened up the caramello and broke off a row for me to eat, which I subsequently bit in half letting caramel drip stickerly over my chin. It was yum, yum.

Hannah threw on ‘Brigit Jones’s Diary’, which I thought was awful and I struggled to relate to the story of a girl who’s complaining how fat she thinks she is, but is at the same time being pursued by two men who clearly would fit in the overly desirable to women category. What the hell is it with you women sometimes, if you’re being pursued by men you’re attracted to then you no longer have any rights to complain. I’d kill to have women chase after me. And why do women get so worked up about a few kilograms over weight. You’re the ones who have it easy in the looks department. A couple of extra kilo’s and you just look curvier and have bigger breasts and more arse to get our hands over. A guy puts on a couple of kilos and we get a beer gut, and beer guts are never desired. You hear guys all the time say they like girls with curves and breasts. I have never once heard a girl say “Where can I find a nice guy with a beer gut?” Plus even if you do decide to put in the work in attempting to get the stereotypical image of beauty, all you have to do is get skinny. Not that that is easy, but for us guys we not only have to lose all our fat, but we have to spend hour after hour in the gym to add muscle aswell. That’s a lot tougher. And even then, even if you spend enough time in the gym until you look like a body builder, you still make us do the work in trying to pick you up. Bloody girls! Well yeah anyway, ‘Bridget’ was funny I guess. The popcorn was delicious, as were the jelly baby’s, and the caramello was divine.

Next Hannah put on ‘Lost in Translation’, which chronicles how hard it is, even for a world famous movie star with zillions of dollars, to pick up some female action. Well I don’t think that was the actual point of the movie. It’s really movie about two lost souls in ....Japan.... who find comfort with each other. This one I could relate to much more. It felt good to know that everyone feels lost sometimes, and it can take as little as a new friendship to improve the way you feel. It reminded me of how much Hannah had done for me. Also the rest of the jelly babies were excellent, and the cookies and the cream was heaven in bar form.

After the second movie Hannah made me up a sundae the size of a small car, just drowning in hot fudge, nuts, sprinkles and jelly babies, and I somehow managed to consume so much that I could physically feel the fat forming on my stomach. Then just as Hannah was saying to me for the fifth time of the afternoon that “no JayJay, there isn’t any chance that Ellie would call today”, the phone suddenly rang.

“Heeelllooo” I answered with

“Hello is Mr Domey home sir?” A female voice asked from the other end

“Yes this is Mr Domey”

“Good afternoon Mr Domey, I was calling to see if you had any interest in changing your broadband internet connection over to ‘Bobcat Telecommunications’? Sign with us and pay just eighteen months in advance, then in six months when we file for bankruptcy and you try and reclaim your extra years payment which we have already spent, you will only have minor legal fees to pay before being told straight up that you can never get back one cent of that money, before paying another huge bill in order to have your existing connection reconnected. So Mr Domey would you like to sign up for the standard eighteen months, or would you like to take advantage of our special price for a twenty four month subscription?

“I’m not interested”

“Oh are you sure sir, this is a once in a life time opportunity, you must take advantage of this as soon as possible, we could go bankrupt any day now”

“No I’m NOT INTERESTED, I don’t even own a computer you moron”

“Ok Sir, no need to be rude”

Then I hit the hang up button on my phone. I didn’t want to hear anymore of that crap. Only thing was as I walked over to hang up the phone properly I could hear a faint “Hello….Hello”. After a few seconds it finally clicked, there was someone on the phone still.

“Heelloo” I answered “Are you still there?”

“Yes I’m here, is that Jason?”

“This is still Jason”

“Hi its Ellie….what’s going on?”

“ELLIE!” I thought

“Ellie…do you work for Bobcat Telecommunications?”

“No...Why would you ask that? You know where I work”

“But didn’t you just call me to see if I wanted to change internet connections?”

“No…are you ok JayJay?”

“I’m ok….just that’s weird, that’s all”

“The phone didn’t even ring at your end, were you just on another call?” she asked me in a bewildered tone, yet a very sweet tone. Ellie always did have the cutest tones in her voice.

“Yeah with this crappy Bobcat offer thing, then I hung up, and you were there” I answered also bewildered, but in my boring monotone voice

“I must have called the second you hung up, and you must have answered my call instead of just hanging up”

“That’s nuts”

“I know, talk about bad timing….or is that good timing?”

“Well I’m suddenly talking to you, sounds like good timing to me” I said in the cutest voice I could

“You’re sweet” she answered

At that moment Hannah suddenly got her things together and kissed me on the cheek and said she’d call tomorrow, saving me the prospect of telling her to “get the fuck out” after the next thing that Ellie said.

“Listen…Brad just called to say that he isn’t getting home from work till late tonight…do you maybe want to watch a video…I mean can I come over to your place?”

“Of course…come over when ever you want”

“That’s great…I’ll see you in about fifteen minutes….I’ll bring some movies”


“Bye, bye”

“Bye, bye”

“Hooray for JayJay” I whispered to myself.

Escaping my hiding place - Chapter 25


“To get a good answer

First you need a great question!”

“What are you doing right now” Ellie said while my mouth struggled to stop gaping

“Um……I don’t know….nothing I guess” I finally replied

“Good….I’m taking you to dinner”

“Right now?”

“Right now!” She said as she literally dragged me out of my doorway and down the street until I started to follow completely by my own volition

We got in her car, I didn’t even know she had a car, it was an old rusty maroon station wagon, and inside the seats had holes and exposed sponge exploding out, and there was no stereo or radio, or anything really. I asked her when she bought a car, and she said it had been sitting unused in her mothers front yard for years, and she had finally managed to get it running again. That was the only conversation what so ever for the whole drive she took me on, about fifteen minutes.

She took me to the Italian part of town, to a little restaurant she said she went to frequently. We were shown to a table right away, Ellie had made a reservation, I wasn’t sure whether to think it was sweet that she had planned this out, or to feel sad at how predictable it was that I would be free for the evening, I mean it was a Friday night, for all she knew I could of moved on from her already and had another date, what made her think that it was so likely that I would be alone? I was sort of mad at Ellie having left me broken hearted for another man, but I wasn’t sure how mad to be at her, I still didn’t know why she had invited me here.

We were seated at a dark table for two, with just a candle for light, which glowed on Ellie’s face which was beautifully framed by her log brown hair. I looked around and realized that every table here was a table for two, with just candle light, and every table was taken up my couples, most of them starring into each others eyes, or playing with each others hands. “Fucking couples” I mumbled to myself.

I have always hated couples. What a selfish brand of human being. They just never seem to give any thought what so ever to people like me, who have no one, and who have never had anyone. They’ll cuddle in front of you when you’re waiting in line to buy something in a shop. They’ll walk down the street in front of you holding hands and taking up the entire sidewalk, oblivious to the guy behind them that doesn’t want to walk at their “Look how much we’re in love” pace, not even noticing that I can’t get past. They’ll make out all through a movie, so that Tom Cruises efforts to shoot the Scottish terrorist and reclaim the antidote to a killer disease are constantly interrupted by smooch, smooch sounds which sound like they’re trying to eat soup. They’ll sit on the phone in front of you while you’re waiting to use it, having one of those “No I love you more”, “No I love you more” fights. And they’ll come to a restaurant and melt into each others eyes, not caring for a second about the guy eating alone in the corner twirling up his spaghetti alone, because he can’t find anyone to have dinner with. I hated couples.

It only just occurred to me now, as I was thinking this while melting into Ellie's moon sized eyes, that this time I was one of them, I was a couple, at least at the moment. I wondered how many couples in the past I had despised on site that were in a situation like I was currently in, sitting across from someone they loved, being consumed by their presence, and not knowing why the fuck they are even there.

“So why the fuck are you here” I said, in a much more bitter tone than I meant to

“Don’t you want me here?” She replied

“You know I do…..but you told me you didn’t want to be”

“That’s not what I told you at all”

“Well what did you tell me?”

“I told you that I had an awesome time with you…I told you I was extremely attracted to you….I told you I’d love to be with you….just that I couldn’t”

“That’s not the way I remember it”

“How do you remember it?”

“I remember it as you telling me that you liked me, but had chosen to be with someone else……that’s not something you want to hear from a girl that you’re crazy about”

“Are you really crazy about me?”

“I think you can tell that I am”

“I got that impression…..but I don’t know you…maybe you look at all girls the way you look at me”

“The way I look at you is a way I’ve never looked at anyone”

“Wow….that’s got to be one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me”

“So you still haven’t told me why you’re here, why did you come over, why did you bring me to restaurant like this?”

“Are you ready to order Sir, and Madam?” The waiter suddenly interrupted with

“I know what I want, can I have the lasagna please, and a coke” I said quickly wanting to get rid of him

“We have no Coke sir, would Pepsi be satisfactory?”

“Yeah that’s fine”

“Why do waiters always fucking ask that, does anyone really say, ‘no if you can’t get me Coke then no cola will do, this is an outrage’? Cola is fucking cola, bloody people” I thought

“And you madam?”

“Oh crap, I haven’t even looked at the menu….um (she began reading through the menu)…um…just give me the lasagna too”

“And anything to drink?”

“Yeah I’ll have a Coke aswell”

“We have no Coke sorry, would Pepsi be satisfactory?”

“Yeah that’s fine”

“Fuck you, you fucking moron” I thought as the waiter disappeared

“So” I said to Ellie

“So” she replied



“Well why are we here?”

“Oh the food here is great, you’ll love it”

“You know what I mean”

“I know, I’m just stalling”

“Why, what have you got to hide?”

“I just don’t know how to say this” she said, I hoped this wouldn’t be as bad as the last thing she didn’t know how to tell me

“Just say it, what are you worried about?”

“I’m worried that you won’t agree with what I want to ask you”

“Ok….are you going to ask me to do something I’m not going to want to do?”

“I hope not”

“Then just ask”

“Ok…..well the thing is….well you know, um, the um, my situation?”


“Well the thing is…..I don’t like my situation, and I want to get out of it”

“That’s a good thing”

“What you don’t understand though, is that me and Brad have been together for six years…six years, fuck it even sounds long…..we have history…..we have, I don’t know, we have connections to each others lives that you just cant break over night….we own things together, we share the same friends, we live together…….its not just like breaking up with a boy you’ve known for two months…..breaking up with him means breaking up with my entire life, changing everything…..there will be good things about it, no more Brad, no more arguments first thing in the morning, no more spending every night coming up with a reason why I’m not in the mood for sex ever any more, no more looking at him knowing he loves me, and I cant reciprocate, no more worrying about knowing that one day I have to break his heart….but there will be bad things too, it will change every part of me….its just not something I can do and say it’s done, it’s going to take time and it’s going to take effort, and its going to take tears”

“I understand….well I don’t, I have never been there myself….but I can imagine that it’s a hard thing for you”

“Thanks….I’m glad you can see my point…….thing is…well….thing is even though its going to take time….I’ve met someone else….someone I really like…someone I want in my life….I’ve met you!”

I smiled “So are you saying you want to be with me?”

“No….well yeah, I want to, but I can’t….not yet”

“Then when?”

“I don’t know”

“So you want me to just wait for you, while you keep your boyfriend….until just some time in the future, and you don’t know when?”

“I guess that is what I’m asking….I know it’s so much to ask…but do you think there is any chance you could wait for me?”

“I don’t know…I mean I like you in a way I have never liked anyone, but…..but the reality is we still don’t know each other very well….how do we know it would even work?

“I know….it sounded like such a good idea when I thought of it this morning….but as I’m actually asking you it sounds ridiculas…..maybe I should just leave you alone”

“No…I don’t want you to…..I can wait for you” I replied, her leaving me alone was the last thing I wanted

“Are you sure….I mean, you don’t have to say that”

“I’m sure….how can I sit across from you here, being told that I have a chance with you, and decide to give that up just because of a little time….I mean its not like I am going to meet anyone else in that time….well who knows”

“I know….I know I could lose you to another while we wait….I mean any girl would want you”

“Thanks, but that’s not true”

“I think it is….I don’t think you really know how desirable you are JayJay”

“Thanks… how is this going to work….do I just sit by the phone waiting, hoping for you to call, sometime, anytime”

“No we can still be friends”


“Of course…I’m allowed to have friends”

“Here you go, two Cokes, can I help you with anything else” The waiter interrupted again

“No we’re fine” I snapped

“You said there wasn’t any fucking Coke, for Christ sake” I thought

We didn’t talk about much at all the rest of the night, just mindless small talk. We both agreed the weather was nice recently. We both agreed there was too much crappy reality TV on now. We both agreed that the lasagna was fucking beautiful. We both agreed that service in restaurants has gone down hill in recent years (I had actually barely been to a restaurant in the past couple of years, but based on our waiter this night, I was quite certain standards must of fallen).

If it wasn’t for the seriousness of the early conversation this would have actually been one of my all time best nights. Just sitting around talking to a pretty girl, and having no trouble making conversation, I loved talking to Ellie. Those of you who have never been faced with some of the social imperfections I was blessed with just don’t know how incredibly amazing it is to meet someone with whom conversation is as easy as missing the bowl when going to the toilet. I mean I just didn’t have to think about it with Ellie; I could just relax and be myself. My usual tactics when faced with sitting at a table with someone I already had gotten to know was to just ask questions I already knew the answer to, it was the only thing I could think of to say, but I never once had to do this with Ellie. Thinking that made me really start to wonder if I had made the right choice to be friends with Ellie while waiting, hoping, we could one day, any day be more.

“What are you thinking?” Ellie asked me as we stood at my doorway after she had driven me home. I don’t think either of us said a word the whole drive home. I had been in deep thought the whole time; I guess Ellie could read my face to see that my brain was in action. I hoped that using my brain wasn’t such a strain that it really was that obvious.

“Honestly?” I replied


“Well I was just thinking that even though I again had a fantastic time with you…..I’m finding it really hard to handle the fact that I cant just grab you right now and…..I don’t know….at least give you a hug” She didn’t reply. She just looked at me with this look of pure empathy, and about four or five times breathed in like she was about to say something, but never quite decided what.

“I mean….at least….well….do you want to hug me?” I asked

“You know I do”

“But you won’t because of your boyfriend…….and you don’t want him to be your boyfriend anymore?”

“It sounds so stupid doesn’t it?”

“It does to me”

“Well have you ever loved someone JayJay….loved them with all your heart….for years…but then realized that even though you still loved them, it just wasn’t the same anymore?”


“I know it’s hard to understand”

“I know….I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going though…….I guess what I am really asking is despite that….if there was no Brad…where would we be right now….would we be together?”

“I’d have my arms wrapped around you in a second….and I wouldn’t ever want to let go” she delightfully replied


“Of course”

“Then…how bad could a hug really be….surely you’re allowed to hug other people….it could just be a quick one….and I promise a hug and no more”

“I guess it is just a hug”

“Of course it is”

“Ok” She then moved forward and put her arms around me – right around my waist, with my arms around her upper back. Ellie is much shorter than me, so her head rested up against my chest, with her hair in my face, smelling as nice as a meadow after a truckload of perfume had been washed across it from a truck which toppled over after attempting to take a corner way too fast.

After holding her like that for a minute or so she pulled away. “Damn it!” I thought to myself, I was not ready for that to end. But before I could get too upset at her body withdrawing itself from me, she said “I prefer it this way” and she pulled my arms down around her waist, so that I had to squat just a little, and she put her arms up around my back. We molded together like two pieces of Lego being stuck together soon to be the corner stone of an enormous Lego castle. We fit together like we had been factory designed to fit together. She felt so perfect in my arms. I could have stood there like that forever.

Isn’t it amazing? Just a couple of days earlier I was making out with and fondling the breasts of a Canadian virgin while several members of one of the most popular rock bands in the world today were having an orgy with some of the most gorgeous girls ever to flash their breasts at a rock concert, just meters away from me. That was pretty good. Hugging Ellie like this was a million times better. It was better than if Ellie had suddenly floated into the sky with purple smoke as a tail, and declared that she was actually a genie, and could now grant me three wishes of my choosing.

Although I could then actually make one of my wishes be that Ellie do anything to me that I wanted her to do to me. So that probably would actually be better still. Then again, now that I think about it, I guess what made Ellie’s body molding together with mine so incredibly special, was that she had spent quite a bit of time with me, she had gotten to know me and she still wanted to be there with me. She wasn’t just some shy lonely virgin sick of guitarists trying to add her cherry to their phone book of virgins they’d removed from the world. She wasn’t some old ugly women who would take sex from anything desperate enough to give it to her. She was a girl who had options, even at home right now. She was pretty, and outgoing, and confident and desirable, and she had chosen me. I’d never been chosen like that before. What are the incredible odds that the first time it should happen to me, the person choosing me was actually my single first choice in the world.

“I gwwurrs iwee weghrty gwow” Ellie said with her face smothered by my chest so that no speech pathologist in the world could figure out what she was saying

“What?” I replied

“I guess I better go” She said this time briefly half releasing her grip of me, before returning her tray to the upright full hugging position. I didn’t answer; I just let the hug continue, for at least another minute.

“Sorry….I really have to go” She said again, this time letting go completely

“When will I see you again?” I asked

“I don’t know….soon….I’ll call as soon as I get a chance, promise” She gave my chest a little rub, and I felt the cold on my skin from where she had slobbered on me slightly which was now penetrating the material. She smiled at me, and I smiled back, then she ran off into the darkness.